still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[WhatNow]

Motherhood = Guilt

Weren't ya warned??? There's lots of it.

We do the best we can, and follow our gut.

[flowmom]

I am sorry for being defensive, FM. I feel a lot of guilt about changing the visitation arrangement.

(((FM))) I apologize for snapping at you.

No apology necessary NM. Sorry for hitting a nerve there. I hear you on the mother guilt. It's been torture for me. But I think you are doing the right thing to change things up. Taking care of you IS taking care of S. And you can experiment and tweak things until it works as well as possible under the circumstances.

(((NM)))

[newmama]

thanks for the encouragement- this visitation change has been eating away at me since I told him about it.

yes-we will tweak as needed. part of me wants WH to be the first one to bring it up so that he has to admit it is hard on S. But then I don't want him to say it to try to make me feel bad for enforcing this change- I was the one to offer to make S' bedtime later so that he could see him longer.

don't worry-I would not sit back and do or say nothing if it becomes blatantly clear this is too hard on S. but I do know it will need to go on for 1-2 weeks before it would be clear (allow for adjustment).

[newmama]

I don't have anyone to talk to tonight so I am going to vent here.
Just got back from seeing my sister graduate from college! And went to her party at my dad's house.

My stepmom isn't the most tactful. I have said nothing to my dad about WH's decision to file. But I haven't seen them in a few months.

So my stepmom says, in front of my 23 yr old sister (ok) and her 9 year old daughter and her 15 year old daughter, "your sister told me about WH's TESTICLES!!!HA! I laughed pretty hard!! How ironic! I just can't believe it! He sure deserved that-can you believe it?" blah blah blah

I didn't laugh with her, just said "yeah they removed a lump but it wasn't cancerous." She is a chaplain btw. I was pissed that she regularly talks about it in front of the kids...every time I see her she is not private about it.

So then my Lebanese 77 year old aunt with 2 hearing aids tells me in front of my mom,her H,sisters "I heard about your H. What is he thinking?? I was so glad you found a good man and was going to be happy. He is an a**hole. I'm so sorry! how are you?"

I told her that I was going to be ok and I'd find somebody else.

Later she brought it up again. "I can't believe it. What does the woman look like? Because maybe if she's beautiful, she tricked him. Did you know him before you were married? Is he paying the mortgage? Does he ever see your baby? Well you know what. Maybe he'll come back to you."

arghh...I pretended it was all practice for returning to work. I just nodded, agreed it sucked, said I would be ok and then didn't offer much to carry the conversation.

[courageous wife]

Nm...those convo's sounds like dialogue from a Woody Allen movie! So sorry!

[flowmom]

(((newmama))) so sorry that you had to deal with that tactlessness. I'm sure the folks at work will do better than that! hugs. It is hard to navigate going public.

[mindfull]

Newmama - I've been traveling... and only able to look into a few things while away. Honey, I'm sorry!!!! Let's talk, tomorrow?

[newmama]

Yes FM. I am 90% sure that I would rather transfer to another school! I am waiting for my paperwork to arrive or some contact from the district and then face it.

MF I would love to chat sometime.

So today WH dropped off S and this time he did try to linger! He asked to use the bathroom. I whisked S to his high chair and started preparing lunch. WH started telling me that he got some hose and things for the sprinking system. I asked him when he would be installing those- today or what? He said not today but wanted to put them in the garage.

I remained kind of distant and not too friendly but not bitchy either. He started telling me how S did, when he woke up, that he started making new noises. I don't know what I said but he got the impression real quick that I didn't care to know. He said, his voice cracking, "Is it not okay to still talk about Carter?"

I said "I don't know. I'm adjusting ok?" Then I went to feed him and said "You don't need to tell me about that stuff- I am with him all the time, you are with him, I know I will hear his new noises."

WH acted all huffy! He said "fine. whatever. Are we still doing the pick up?"

I said "yep. in the Bi Mart parking lot."

He said "ok. going to go. Later."
I said "don't forget to say goodbye to S. He needs to learn how to wave bye bye."

WH returned and gave him a hearty goodbye.

I said (my back turned bc I was feeding S) "Ok see you tomorrow at the parking lot!"

He left and slammed the door!

Hahahaha! I feel so satisfied for some reason! What did he think? That I would be all friendly and fine with this? What a moron!

[mindfull]

I'm pissed, but LOL'ing!

[flowmom]

He obviously had no idea how much you were giving before. He is now figuring out what it feels like to not have access to wonderful newmama!