Depressed H wants to walk

[ReelingW/aSmile]

Forrest,

I think you are right about the LL, I hadn't even considered that one could be a mix of more than one.

What I need to change, I see your points. I have been working overtime on #2 (not controlling). These are the things that have really surprised him. He suggests something he thinks I will disagree with, I actually take his side and offer another reason his idea is a good one. No, it doesn't always have to be my way! I have been doing this for several weeks now and no, the sky has not fallen.

I understand #1 (putting my needs ahead), just have to work on that, it won't come naturally to even know what my needs are which is probably why #3 (be myself) is so overwhelming to me.

I am most happy (aside from my family) when I am helping others. I take a lot away from my job because I get to really dig in and help people at their most challenging times. I work with troubled teens and their families. People tell me every day that I am a blessing to them. It has always felt so good, but right now I feel like a sham because I don't have it together in my own family.

I also love baseball! Now both boys are playing and I am at the park more nights each week than not. Life just feels better at the diamond. We used to go to pro and college games as a couple, then as a family, but this year have not. Maybe I need to just up and go myself or just me and the boys.

I've been thinking of doing something new for myself and have decided I will try Yoga. The relaxation part of it is very appealing. I hope to get into a class in a few weeks after HS graduation when my schedule is a little more flexible at work.

You have said a lot to help. What I was looking for from my first post were quick fixes and examples of things to try right away to change H. You have made me keep stopping and rethinking things to see what I need or want change about/for myself.

thanks for sticking with me

[ReelingW/aSmile]

H is on his way home and just called to check in. Somehow he made some weird statement about my political beliefs. I asked him to clarify what he meant and then explained that he was not correct in what he thought I believe about an issue. He got really irritated and said that he was assuming, admitted he shouldn't assume and then said that that was all he could do because I won't talk politics with him.

He thinks our MC wants us to argue (because we don't). I didn't get the impression that MC wants us to argue, but maybe I am missing something. Either way, H is on his way home to "fight" with me about a political issue. I do not want to debate politics with H or anyone else. Yuck!

What do I do???
Should I accept the challenge of this 180? Such a debate would not be being myself. I am a very accepting person and feel very strongly the everyone is entitled to their beliefs.

HELP!

[flowmom]

Reeling, yoga sounds like a great idea. I love it.

Not sure what to think about the politics thing? I think it's best to take each thing as it comes. Listen and validate, and if it gets too intense then be gracious but remove yourself.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

Thanks for the quick input Flowmom! I'll let you know what happens.....

[Forrest Gump]

"right now I feel like a sham because I don't have it together in my own family. "

Kinda like the mechanic that fixes everybody's car.. and drives a piece of crap.. that barely runs?

"I work with troubled teens and their families. People tell me every day that I am a blessing to them."

"He suggests something he thinks I will disagree with, I actually take his side and offer another reason his idea is a good one. No, it doesn't always have to be my way! I have been doing this for several weeks now and no, the sky has not fallen."

Hmm.. Too much of a good thing can be bad. I say that a lot. Your job has tasked you with "fixing" things. Most likely that has carried over into your M. You have all the signs that that has happened. Your H has depression issues.. and you have "saved" him before. You like to be in control.. because that is what you "do". Part of me thinks you need to draw a line between work and home. Me.. I am the type of person that leaves work and does not think about it until I get back in the morning. Every once in a while I will have to "yell" at the wife about something that happened at work.. but most of the time I just really don't have anything to say about it. My wife took this as I did not care about her cause I never wanted to talk about work. She had all kinds of things to talk about.. my conversation was "It was work". Once I was clear that it was not a reflection of what I thought about her.. that it was simply something I turned off when I left work.. she understood better. They don't pay me for more than 40 hours.

"it won't come naturally to even know what my needs are which is probably why #3 (be myself) is so overwhelming to me."

You have forgotten the power of YOU. This is normal. So.. as a suggestion here are some tasks.

#1.. I want you to find a poster or two (no more than 2) here in Newcomers that you "see" a connection with. I want you to be sure that you can offer some guidance. I don't want you supporting what they are doing. I don't want you complimenting them on how well they are doing. I want you to find someone you can help. You will know it when you find it. I will be following along behind you.. or looking over your shoulder. Just let me know when you find one.. you don't have to link it or anything. I may or may not post.. but be assured I will read it all. This has many elements to it for me. It gets you reading.. it gets you involved.. hopefully when you find the right post.. it will put you in "someone" else's shoes.

#2.. 6 smiles. Instead of 6 hugs a day like the book you read.. I want you to generate 6 smiles a day from "someone". It does not have to be your H. There is no more benefit to getting them from you H than getting them from a "random" person. You have to make sure you.. generate the smile from them. Tips.. When talking to "someone" smile yourself. Sometimes people respond to Physical touch.. a gentle touch on the back of the arm.. top of the hand. You get the idea. The more "random" the person.. the better it will be. Wake up ready to make 6 people smile everyday. I mean.. it is only 6 people. I can get 6 people to smile a day easy.. but I am awesome! (did you smile?)

That is all I have right now.. but I will be back. Lemme know what ya think about my silly tasks!

[flowmom]

Love your advice FG . Reeling, changing little things can really shift where you're at so I encourage you to try what FG is suggesting.

I think I've done #1 but I'm going to try #2 today.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

First the update on our big "fight". HA! I should have known better! We never yell or anything like that. It was a very benign discussion. I think H enjoyed the fact that I seemed worried he wanted to have some big confrontation. So glad I can amuse him.

Today has been a hard day. H seems to have woken up a real grouch. He's impatient with the kids and has hardly said 3 words to me today. I can't stand being so affected by his moodiness, but now I have the blues too.

Forrest, I like your silly tasks. I most like that they feel doable.

[Forrest Gump]

"Today has been a hard day. H seems to have woken up a real grouch. He's impatient with the kids and has hardly said 3 words to me today. I can't stand being so affected by his moodiness, but now I have the blues too."

You need to "define" what is the depression.. and what is directed to you.

Again.. never underestimate the "power" someone has.

It is totally.. tit.. for.. tat.

Like drunk people.. they want you to be drunk too. It makes things more fun.

"Forrest, I like your silly tasks. I most like that they feel doable."

Make it so #1.

Seize the moment.. make it happen. Even with everything against you.

Now.. I can can make it easier to say.. by pointing to the red words in my signature...

I trust you to...

[ReelingW/aSmile]

I've been gone for a few days from here, but it was just a matter of logistics and circumstances. I have loved working to make people smile. It's not that it hasn't always felt good, but when you are purposeful in having a positive impact on someone the rewards seem greater. It has felt great to allow others to bring me up and not just focus on H bringing me down. I am around people all day long so there is no shortage of targets.

Now, I will try to tackle #1. It has been challenging getting on here for long enough to do much. I am limited to times when kids are asleep, or otherwise occupied, and H is not home. I don't have access to a laptop for personal use, just our desktop at home. I tried the local library, but all the computers face the outer walls so everyone in the room can see your screen. Our family is too known around here for that to work. I will keep working to figure this out. I may be sending H on some errands. That would be a 180 of sorts since typically I have always lobbied for him to be home more.

I am pretty let down that H missed my birthday last week. I wasn't really expecting anything spectacular, but completely missing it still stings. He was gone all day as is his schedule for that day of the week. I knew I was on my own with the kids. I actually bought a gift card for H to give to S8 so that the boys could "take me out to dinner"-we had a really fun time and they were so proud to treat me. Then we stopped at a grocery store and bought a little cake to enjoy at home. I keep my fake smile on while everyone who hears about the kids taking me out compliments him on such a thoughtful plan!

[Forrest Gump]

"I've been gone for a few days from here, but it was just a matter of logistics and circumstances."

I have gathered from your postings that there will be some "time delay" issues. So.. I am trying to make our time count. "Time" (him still at home) is on your side to a point. A fake smile to him is a smile. Most likely in his "emotional" state he can't "see" that it is fake. Most likely he thinks business as usual. (as a side note.. I just realized that this computer I am posting on.. does not have spell check.. so I will remedy that later. Please excuse any errors.)

"It's not that it hasn't always felt good, but when you are purposeful in having a positive impact on someone the rewards seem greater."

It is the simple things in life.. that can bring about change. It also proves the point that you can find "happiness" in small things. This is your "acts" side. The goal of this little task thing.. is to get you thinking.. and "feeding" yourself.

So.. progress?

"Now, I will try to tackle #1."

A big part of me really wants to "see" this happen. I think you have a lot to offer. As a side effect.. my thought is that it will help me piece things together. I am a people watcher. When I can't put my finger on something.. I dig. Don't force yourself. I want you to really pick a post out.. and stick with it. No time limits.. no pressure. Just make a smart choice.

"I actually bought a gift card for H to give to S8 so that the boys could "take me out to dinner"-we had a really fun time and they were so proud to treat me. Then we stopped at a grocery store and bought a little cake to enjoy at home."

Part of me kinda wants to tell you to stop that. I think you could have been more creative with it. Like the magical "Birthday Fairy" sent a card to the S8. Inside there was a night out. In the end.. I think it was OK. Had some fun.. H tagged along.. Blah.

"I tried the local library, but all the computers face the outer walls so everyone in the room can see your screen. Our family is too known around here for that to work. I will keep working to figure this out. I may be sending H on some errands. That would be a 180 of sorts since typically I have always lobbied for him to be home more."

Thanks for that. I don't want to push you.. and I don't want you to go crazy with this. You strike me as someone who.. has the means. Not once have you mentioned money in all this. There are tons of options for "internet ready" devices. Netbooks, Ipads.

I will leave it at that.

I am sorry that your birthday was not up to par. It hurts.. It sucks. The thing is.. people will withhold the thing you want most.. when they are trying to "hurt" you. Sometimes.. them doing just that.. shows how much they still care.

Happy Birthday.

I wish you many more. Even if they are "sucky".