One year ago when I first came on this message board I scrolled down and saw that there was a forum for people who are divorced but still hanging on...I'll be honest, at that point, my wife had just let me, but I thought to myself, "Now whoever is still coming to this message board and is posting in that part of the forum...now THAT is sad...
Now I am very grateful that this exists!
I have been separated from my wife now for 10 months. My wife has done everything in pursuing the divorce. I stubbornly told her that if she wants a divorce, then she can do the foot work and make it happen but I want no part of it.
I have tried being nice, I have tried being mean and even cruel with my words, I have tried using guilt and shame and none of these approaches have done anything that I, visibly at least, can tell to make any difference at all in my soon to be XW's resolve to divorce me.
Some background:
I found out that my wife had met a man on the peronal ads of craigslist, of all places,classy move, huh? She met him through email in late April of last year. Their relationship moved EXTREMELY QUICKLY, they actually physically met on May 21st of 2009, we separated, since then we sold our home, she has moved in with the new guy, and[/u]they apparently have plans to get married asap after our divorce is final. (In our state it is actually illegal to do so before 6 months has elapsed but[u] but I understand no DA has ever pursued a case of bigamy under these circumstances.) The new couple have to go out of state to get a wedding license but that is no problem of course.
Anyway, just like most of you here, my wife tells me to "move on" because she has. Yesterday we actually spoke in a civil manner for the first time in a few months. It was actually kind of nice but I can't stand for her to be the slightest bit sweet to me because I am then reminded of how sweet she is. This leads to more depression and sadness.
Our "civil" discussion was about some paperwork that she needs to get the final decree so the conversation was not one of the remotest hope of reconciliation.
So in about a week or so, I will be divorced from the woman I love, the only woman I have ever loved, the love of my life and she suddenly did not want me, but rather a man she met from the personal ads on craigslist.
She knows that I still very much love her even though my behavior at time, due to all the anger I have towards her and the "vulture" she is now with, it would sometimes be difficult to see the love I feel for her through all of the cruel things I have said at times.
But I do love her. I have no interest in finding someone else, dating, or anything along those lines. I would much rather go on without a partner and do other things with my life such as be the best parent I can be, become more active in my church and also in my family. But marrying someone else and starting over with someone new? No thank you.
Oh, by the way. If my wife does marry the guy from craigslist, it will be my wife's second marriage BUT it will be her fiance's 3rd marriage. He divorced his wife about one month after meeting my wife in person for the first time. SO he has been divorced from his #2 since late last June. My wife only started divorce proceedings after having met this guy (who was not yet divorced when they met, just like her.)
Confused?
I would take just about any advice I can get right now.
My plan as of now is this. I am resolved that my wife will in fact divorce me and it will become official next week sometime. I am less convinced but still about 75% sure that she will marry the new guy within a few months of our divorce being finalized.
For now I am comforting myself with nothing other than raw statistics. The chances of a third marriage spouse and a second marriage spouse, after having rushed out of their previous marriages to get into a new one, adding in some other factors, I am told that their potential marriage has about a 15-20% chance of lasting more than 3 years. It has even less of a chance of lasting 5 years.
Pitiful, huh? Pitiful for them but also pitiful that I would cling to such a thing.
Anyway, back to my plan: Just to remain civil. Not to tell her I love her nearly as often as I do now. Really, really scale back on that kind of discussion. Let her live out her life, see if the stats play out as they more than likely will. Then, when it is all said and done, hopefully be in a position where I am the solid, sane, and forgiving spouse who never gave up on my wife and family.
Hello Heinrich, just read your stitch and I am so sorry you are here. Your story is so similar to mine it is scarey. My D should be finalised sometime this week.
I got an email today from my H stating the OW is in fact his partner and that he is moving in with her. After asking about this OW for about 1 year now and he has said she is only a friend, now all my suspiscions are true. To say I am devastated is an understatment.
Like you I still love my H and havent always showed it. I have said some horrible things, and have tried to be nice, mean and also go dark. None of it was going to work even though we both tried.
I do like your statistics though and like you will hang onto them and hope maybe one day I can have my family back.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
