I think that happens to most if not all married couples. You get comfortable which makes it easy to become complacent. But that also is where communication becomes important. If you don't like your role then SAY SOMETHING!
It was the same for me. There was no problem until the MLC hit. Then it was "I always did this and you never did that".
SA - The lost love for cooking is hopefully temporary, I try to look at it as a well deserved break lol
D - It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one pondering the "marital role" question. Becoming aware of the dynamics in one's marriage is the first step to be able to make changes in the future. Hopefully we will be given the opportunity.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Today's update - Had a meeting with H at Starbucks. We mainly talked about business, luckily things are improving a bit, we are getting more contracts in. Deep hole to climb out of though. This year will be a challenge. At least H seams to be more focused on it.
He appeared less gloomy. Still no direct talk about us or plans for the future. He doesn't bring it up and I hold my tongue.
I got a compliment on my new jewelery.
I'm signing up for a new gym with D and H wants to sign up with us to get the family rate.
Asked him what are his plans for his dad's B-day that's coming up. Said that he's been thinking about what to get him, but doesn't know. Then he said "You always got his presents and you are so good at it, do you think that you can go tomorrow and get him something?" I agreed.
Later he called me and said that there is a B-Day dinner planned at his dad's on Sunday. I said that D is working. He got all uptight and said that she has to change her shift. I told him to talk to her. (BTW he never told his dad what's happening with us, so it will be "pretend that we are a happy family")
When D came home from work today she said that H came to her workplace and had a heated exchange with her boss about changing her shift. D said that her boss was upset that D didn't talk to her about it instead of sending her dad. Poor D didn't even know about the planned B-Day dinner or that H was coming there. This incident just shows me that he still does weird things.
Last edited by Mila; 04/30/1003:11 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Just had to comment - my WH has an opinion on EVERYTHING!! And then says he has to take on too much, then gets resentful. He stopped eating my cooking and would only cook for himself. He will resent me doing his laundry then do it himself. He will do the gardening that I don't like to do, and then resent that he is doing so much work without "being appreciated"!!
Wow, I didn't know you knew my H. Seriously, what's up with not eating our cooking... like we're going to poison it or something. He will go all day without eating something I made, but if it's in the fridge and everyone else has eaten, he will snack on the cold leftovers after everyone is in bed. Weird. I just decided to make lots of his favorites, just to mess with him. And he actually picks through the laundry basket to pull out ONLY his clothes when he does a load. Takes twice the time to do that, it's silly.
Pass - That "smells" of MLC. Newer heard of a guy not eating food already cooked for him lol. The laundry thing is strange as well, is he trying to prove to himself that he doesn't need you, that he can take care of himself???? ...mine never did any of those things. The opposite, he would leave me to be with OW and then come over for dinner and bring his laundry lol
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Pass - YES! Exactly! What's up with that? I think I saw that on one of your posts before, I remember thinking "how strange that someone else's H was like that!!!" WHY?
Mila, my H gets very frustrated with my teenager too. I don't mean while he was gone, I mean since he's wanted to reconcile. Not just now, but a few months ago when he first suggested reconciling. He actually fights (verbally) with teenager when he doesn't join into family events like WH would like him to. Like he's trying in his mind, to treat the teenager like a younger child. I don't know how to explain it, but teenager was hurting over his Dad leaving in the first place, and Dad once he thought about coming back felt his kids should immediately embrace and support every decision he wanted (mostly about family events).
I knew that one of these days I will have a bad one again...and I was doing so well....
First OW's H called me again (I though he'd stopped). His insecurities kind of rubbed off on me and I start thinking the worst...that maybe the affair is still going on. Not a good start to a day. Didn't get much better after that.
H is really crabby today...long face,short answers, coldness, no smiles... I called him to tell him that I have his rent cheque ready, I'll be running some errands and could drop it off for him.
Told him that I will call when I'm in the front of his building so he can come down and pick it up. Well I got there and kept calling and he was not picking up I was just about to leave when he finally answered. I said that I was worried that he was not home. When he came downstairs he said "my phone was right beside me and it didn't ring...are you going to get that present for my dad?" He sounded short, gloomy, kind of pissed off. No smile, no appreciation...nothing. And here I am...bringing him HIS rent cheque and going to shop for HIS dad's present.
Later today I needed his signature on a tax return and again, he is not picking up his cell or house phone. So I left few messages because it was urgent. Finally he calls back already grumpy and tells me that he was on the phone (must have been a very long call) that's why he didn't pick-up...still short and cold.
Talked to him about the taxes. The accountant doesn't know that we are separated and did what he always does...he splits the income in between us. He usually takes the write-offs of off one of us. This year it ended up being me. I didn't know ahead of time which one of us it will be. H got really upset "Are you telling me that I owe taxes and you don't?". Very confrontational. Made me feel like he is accusing me of trying to rip him off. I told him that the accountant just did what he usually does, he doesn't know about our situation and that I can call and have him re-do it if he wants me to. Then I clammed up because I was fighting tears. He starts saying in a raised voice "Why are you upset, I didn't say anything to be upset about, what did I do?" I said that I'm fine, I was just surprised that he reacted to it. He said that the returns are OK "as is"...just sign it.
After I hung up I had a good long cry. The way he talked to me today just makes me wonder why did he even say that he wants to R. But that was 3 weeks ago, maybe he doesn't want to anymore...who knows he is not talking about it.
Just venting....tomorrow is another day...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
The MLC rollercoaster...yuck! Like you said, tomorrow is another day. Shall we place bets on what the mood will be tomorrow? :-) Hope you don't mind me being cheeky! What else can you do...let his mood roll off your back! YOU are fine! He is still a work in prgress!
Have a good night!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Mila, CW is right, your H is still navigating his way through. Dig a little deeper for some more patience and step back a bit. You'll get through this.
