tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Still here. Not too much change--an emotional week & not a lot of support. Still no contact with H, he's not been home the past three nights to talk tot he kids. They talk to their grandparents, who are still being very nice to me. Not fake, just acting as though they have nothing to do with our problems, which they don't. So at least all is well on that front.

We are meeting half way tomorrow after Tball practice so H can have them overnight. He'll have them again next weekend when I work, so this is just a *fun* day. I'm planning on getting my hair cut, having a drink with a girlfriend & maybe cleaning the bathrooms. So much for having/wanting an OM like H thinks--my first evening alone & I'm going to scrub toilets.

Woooohooooo....oooo.....oo.

I'm doing okay at work. I can talk about him leaving without crying now. I can talk about the future (that doesn't include him) without crying. I'm not talking about it a lot--only briefly and only when asked. I'm not calling him names and saying horrible things about him--I honestly have no desire to do so. I'm not even angry. I'm just really very sad.

I read some of the threads here written by husbands who want to make things work with their wives. Men who want to make things work and are willing to work at it. I wish my H would read some of these threads. I wish he would care. I wish he would want to work on this--I wish he would have wanted to work on this three years ago.

But he doesn't. He just wants to be mad at me and blame me for all of this. He told me I threw him away "like a piece of garbage". I didn't throw him away. I didn't throw our marriage away. I wanted him to leave so I could salvage a life for my kids. I wanted to be done with the mess we made to save my own emotional, physical and psychological well being. I don't hate him. I want to be with him. I just don't want to have to sacrifice myself and our children to do it.

Come on. Dude. Get a clue.

I can't make him see what's going on anymore now than I could when he was here.

I'm going to start thinking of things I did to make this M fail. I need to work on my crap more than I need to think about his. I'll have a list when I post next.

In the meantime, feel free to impart some wisdom upon me. I'm feeling pretty low right now.