H texted me asking if I wanted to hear something funny. Texted a story about something that happened with his cousin while sitting away from us (his parents, our D5, and my mom). Good sign?
But then again, H was on phone (according to phone records, he apparently was using company phone that he only uses when up to no good) when he drove up to the ballpark. Then also texted most of game with childhood girlfriend.
My H was famous for e-mailing me stupid photos of dogs wearing silly hats on Fridays right before he left work shortly after he left. In the 13 years I have known the man he never once sent a silly dog photo to me. He would e-mail me a ridiculous photo then go spend the weekend with OW.
He knows you are sad and hurting and is throwing you a crumb to show you what a GREAT guy he is.
L called just now to tell me D petition is ready to sign. I need to sign to protect myself financially (he's not given me any money except to pay bills not incl. health insur since he left). I'm having second thoughts b/c of how he's acted over the last 4 days. Can't sign today b/c S12 is home from school. He's completely devastated over D and his dog passing away. Keeps saying it's just too much to handle and sobbing horribly.
Wow, you have had a rollercoaster ride this weekend. I'm sorry, that is a lot to handle.
Your H sounds confussed. And I agree he is trying to make himself look better by giving you a crumb of niceness. I know it is so hard (I failed at it for months), but the best thing for you is to let what he does roll of your back. I know that is way easier said then done. I too sent my H emails and text just like the one you sent your H. Then I would beat myself up for it, and also do the opposite of what I told my H I would do. Try as hard as you can to stay out of his drama, you will start to feel better.
You are the only one that can decide wether to sign those papers or not. If it is going to protect you then I would suggest doing it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I am on such a rollercoaster. Yesterday I went from sad to angry and back again. I'm so wishy washy about whether to sign papers. It's killing me that Fri will make 6 weeks and I haven't talked to him about my thoughts and feelings except to say that I can't talk to him right now. That was Fri. Now I want to talk but I'm so scared that it'll push him further and/or start a fight. I've always been the one to fix the problems (emotional, things breaking, responsibilities, everything) while he's the "lazy one" who expects that if you ignore anything you don't want to deal with, it'll fix itself. This is my life, not the mower! How am I supposed to say that I'm doing everything I can to fix my marriage while acting like him and not doing anything except praying about it?
Ok. The infamous number he had texted and called is another friend (girl) of his family. There's NO WAY possible that he would be seeing her. As for the childhood friend, he's very upset that his mother and I would even think there could be something between them. IOW, there is no OW. Says there's many reasons he left and will not come back but the main one is that he tried for eight years to forgive me for dating while we were seperated but just cannot. Says he treated me so badly because he was fighting with himself to forgive me and fix himself but couldn't. Says he is fixing himself now, gave the one example of change of how he's not used Copenhagen in two weeks ("he needed to and he has no money to buy it"), and when I asked why he couldn't start to fix himself before he left, he just said it wasn't possible.
More on the talk later. For now, what's your thoughts?
H came to practice last night. I stayed away from him until my mother suggested that I let him know that she was there to watch my kids while I played volleyball after S12's practice. (H complained to his fam that my mother is always in my business many times--not true.) To avoid H thinking bad of her, I told H why she was there. H got mad saying our kids are his 1st b4 my mother's. (I immediately thought "umh, then why is she the one providing gas and grocery money?" but kept it to myself. I explained that I don't assume anything where he's concerned and didn't know he'd be there so when she offered, I accepted. Besides, before he left, he didn't watch them while I played so I didn't expect that to change.
He went on starting a talk. H asked to see phone bill to defend himself. I showed him, he told me who's # it was, I apologized for assuming and not asking him. He wanted to know if I filed. Told him papers were ready for me to sign but couldn't force myself to sign yet. He mentioned using a mediator again. (for him, he says it'll make things easier and less costly. For me, I've read a little in DR about it and all I know is that it could help to save my marriage. Would think Ls would still be involved and mediator would be extra. Is that right?)
H said he decided after cut to his hand a year ago to D because I proved that I didn't care about him. (H complained back then that he needed me to do his at home therapy. Thinking back, maybe I should've but I was so busy doing EVERYTHING else I didn't see why I needed to stop what I was doing to massage his scar tissue and hand when he was already sitting watching tv. I did do it when sitting with him and lots of times, I got fussed at for doing it wrong.)
H brought up my infedelity. I used that opening to again apologize, tell him that I owned my sins, ask him if he owned his role in setting the stage for me to make those choices, and to tell him about how someone recently told me that one of those guys is about to split with his wife and that my response was that I didn't care and was not interested in ANYONE except for my H. H said "so. He won when it mattered to me." I told him that he didn't win because I cane back home to my M. H just said that he's always "felt trapped" and that I've "always been looking for someone better".
Said he felt like a loser after taking me back eight years ago and he'll never be able to forgive me so he knows that he's making the right choice and no one can change his mind. Said childhood friend kept telling him to stay so he doesn't trust her judgement now either. (yet he talks to her constantly)
How do I help him learn how to forgive? Truly forgive completely for once and for all?
Wow! Just loving that I read that D mediator is someone who can mediate the D as well as actually be the replacement of a L. My H would like a mediator. I think I would too. Problem is, no one bothered to tell me that a mediator doesn't set aside the L. You do one or the other. Everyone told me to protect myself, get a L, handle my L matters.
Per DR, mediators can sometimes help to save the marraige. I'm not telling my H that that's why I prefer a mediator but now that I know he wants one too, I'm screwed yet again. I, just last week, per everyone's advice signed a contract with a L for $4500 of my parents' money that they really don't have. As if I can get out of that or ask my parents to hire yet a second person, a mediator!
Wow! So much for my hopes that using a mediator alongside my L might help to save my marraige b/c I can't afford it. Would've been nice for someone to tell me the difference and suggest that I check into mediators BEFORE hiring a L.
Last edited by dedicated; 04/30/1009:41 PM. Reason: Added to it
Actually, the best legal option for mediation is to hire a mediator while both spouses have their own legal counsel.
The mediator assist you in making creating the Agreement and each spouse then takes the Agreement to their attnys to have them look it over and make further suggestions and/or alterations.
Isn't it your own job to learn the difference between mediation and legal counsel? You did say your H cut you off and you were unemployed. So yes, at that point you do need to protect yourself and your children.
