Just thought I would say hi, seeing as how I don't pop in that often here now.
You saw what was happening in my world ... thanks for your response btw ...
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Haha...Deep.... thank you for that noble greeting! Good to see you on my thread. It was good to get an update from you, and I hope you will keep me in the loop. It helps to know I am not alone in some of my struggles and to see how you are managing them being that much farther ahead in your process...
So things are going well so far now that H is home. He has been very affectionate. We had a good conversation last night in which he told me OW is getting "smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror" and that he wishes he could do anything to be able to take away what I had to go through in the past year.
I am working on a balance of validating, meeting his LL etc. with also doing some subtle withdrawing and being less available. I believe this is important to create a new, healthier balance in our R. I have always been available, accomodating, supportive, understanding blah blah blah. Now, it is time for him to do some of the pursuing, some of the work. This will set the stage for my boundary setting. Some of that is already happening with actions and with words, and some of it I am working towards. I am feeling confident about this.
Ruling my domain is very time consuming ya know... so I better get back to it...
Hey, remember that song Everybody wants to rule the world by Tears for Fears? Cant quite figure out WHY it comes to mind now. You go, girl!!!
Well, duh... I was a teenager in the 80's! lol Actually saw them do that in concert... I debated posting that in the alt as my new theme song.... you know what they say about great minds!
Well things continue to move forward. H continues to make very positive efforts... being attentive, open, loving, communicating more etc.
But... he is still depressed and pretty severely so IMO. He is continuing IC and has just started EMDR. He also finally started seeing a Dr. So hopefully things get better on that end.
The thing that is still hard for me is that he continues to say he "feels nothing" for me. He says he thinks it is due to the depression. I continue to be told by some of you wise and wonderful folks that this is BS and his actions show he does love me. I hope that is true, b/c his words don't. He just keeps telling me "I hope I can heal from this and start to feel something." Great. I hope so too. Or this won't work. I can be patient for a while but not forever.
The other thing I am "observing" about my own journey through this, is that although the emotional pain is not being felt as frequently as before, it is just as intense when it is there. I find it interesting that it hasn't lessened... at all. When it pops up or gets triggered, it is just as intense. When the waves hit, they are still so strong I can't breathe sometimes. But, at least they are not as frequent. And, I can now go a few days without tears. Woohoo! This is progress.
And... for the most part, my PMA is there. I am feeling so much better about myself, so much stronger as a person, so much clearer about my needs and wants and boundaries.
I know I am going to be more than OK, no matter what. And that, is what it is all about.
RW, sounds like there are real ups and downs. The depression thing is hard but it's great that he's dealing with it.
Glad to read that you're thinking about how to get him pursuing you. If you haven't read it, you might want to read Why Men Love Bitches. It's a stupid title but the book is a how-to on how to set up the man-pursuing-woman dynamic. It's aimed at the dating crowd but I'm sure you can adapt it .
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Ruled if you look at my signature line you will see that my hubby told me he hated me about a thousand times. That and he would never even want to be friends with me. He had a pretty thick wall but I saw actions that showed different. Listen to everyone here- his feeling nothing is just his depression. I really don't believe for one second that he does not love you.
I would also have to think that guilt is killing him right now. How could it not?
I do believe you are right though. You have been MORE than accommodating and he now needs to man up and work on himself. He needs to do his part to maintain the relationship.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Yes, Ruled, if you can protect yourself emotionally from his depression, using all these great tools you have learned: detachment, boundaries, focusing on changes YOU can make...you can keep yourself emotionally healthy while he does his work.
If he doesn't do his work, that's another story. But it sounds like you have the tools to deal with that, too.
I'm sorry the pain is still so intense; at least it comes less frequently now. And you know the waves will pass.
Flo... yes I have been reading that book at the suggestion of someone here and it has helped me with some of my 180's.
June... I think you are right that the guilt is a major factor in what my H is struggling with now. I can't imagine how that must weigh on him. I do have compassion for him for that.
Aver... you are right. Those tools really are helping me to cope with his depression.
Thanks to a chat with a good friend last night I am shifting my perspective on the "not feeling anything for me" thing. I can let go of that for now. There are so many other positives in his actions and choices. That is what I need to focus on right now.
We had some additional financial stress yesterday that was the last thing we needed. The good news is that my H has stepped up and is taking the lead on solving the issue. This is huge progress. The not so good news is that he is having difficulty finding a solution. So we are both feeling very stressed today. I am working on letting it go and leaving it in his hands. Because I have been handling it all for so long, that is hard to do! But, I am doing it.
Just gotta keep breathing today. We will find a way through this.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
We had a good conversation last night in which he told me OW is getting "smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror" and that he wishes he could do anything to be able to take away what I had to go through in the past year.