Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[CityGirl]

James, this is exactly what we are all talking about. You casually said you have a list of goals in your head then went on and on about your W.

Your W is not physically or mentally well and has decided not to seek help to get healthy. That is why she is acting the way she is. She is not having a MLC.

If your W chooses to get healthy then maybe things will change. Otherwise they will remain the same. It's not all that complex yet you are still pondering the same thing over and over again.

If your W is still harping on you about working together you can stop that quickly by NOT giving her job leads or referrals. The two of you working together would be terrible.

Just because you have reached one goal (getting a job) you should be thinking about "sub goals" within that main goal. Examples of "sub goals" about your job could be:

1. Save xxx per paycheck for my own apartment
2. Get involved in social/philanthropic events at work
3. insert your own goal here

You must be very specific in order to stay on a good track.

Yes, your W used to be different. The past is the past. My H used to be different too. My H loathed cheating so much he actually cut his aunt out of is life for good when she had her affair. When his aunt married her affair partner my H opted to have NO R with his aunt or her husband. Where is my H now? Living in a new house with his affair partner. Things change.

[james217]

You need to listen to CG. You cannot allow yourself to move forward if you continue to focus on what W is doing.

Enjoy your new job, conversation with your friends and focus on your goals that you're setting for yourself.

Be happy that you are at a better state than you were in at the beginning of this thread.

Have you had a moment to re-read your thread? I suggest you do if you have not. Take a deep breath and read it as though you were reading any other sitch.

Good luck my friend.

lol I know I was in awful shape. I'm alot better but I have a long long way to go. Just have to keep pushing thanks for the reply.

[james217]

James, this is exactly what we are all talking about. You casually said you have a list of goals in your head then went on and on about your W.

Your W is not physically or mentally well and has decided not to seek help to get healthy. That is why she is acting the way she is. She is not having a MLC.

If your W chooses to get healthy then maybe things will change. Otherwise they will remain the same. It's not all that complex yet you are still pondering the same thing over and over again.

If your W is still harping on you about working together you can stop that quickly by NOT giving her job leads or referrals. The two of you working together would be terrible.

Just because you have reached one goal (getting a job) you should be thinking about "sub goals" within that main goal. Examples of "sub goals" about your job could be:

1. Save xxx per paycheck for my own apartment
2. Get involved in social/philanthropic events at work
3. insert your own goal here

You must be very specific in order to stay on a good track.

Yes, your W used to be different. The past is the past. My H used to be different too. My H loathed cheating so much he actually cut his aunt out of is life for good when she had her affair. When his aunt married her affair partner my H opted to have NO R with his aunt or her husband. Where is my H now? Living in a new house with his affair partner. Things change.

I will say this though. She did pay the phone bill. Sent me a text message stating it and I checked and low and behold half was paid. THE BOUNDARY WORKED.

Oh I have those goals set. I know how much i'm going to put back from my checks.

I have a plan to get the surgery done.

I won't be moving anytime soon. I want to get my child support cases and custody cases under control first.

I'm looking at colleges FOR ONLINE SCHOOL. . Once I get my shift (in 4 more weeks) I'm scheduling 3 days of time off to take care of the neurologist and then the surgery and find custody/financial hearing for S10. I'm going to find a parttime gig after I have the surgery.

i'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE a mediation hearing for S3 tommorrow (they want to try to up his cs) but i'm not going. I'm going to let the attorney I have for s10 look over the documents they faxed me 2 WEEKS AGO and also try to get BIOmom for contempt because she refuses to let me see S3.

I'm going to start working out and exercising to really get back in shape.

still reading my bible. no church home yet but I'll find one soon.

Also trying to make good contacts at work so I can move up and go to a different department.

For like the past 5 years of my life, I've always saved my money. I know how much I will be willing to spend and how much I will spend on clothes, entertainment, etc etc.

I also have to fill out disability paperwork now that I have chosen a lawyer who I think can help with my case. I had several.

I will pay my dues to father for equal rights and get legal assistance for both cases on top of having my public defender (who is the head of family law in his dept and is very good)

I'm doing my eye exercises as well. I have to reschedule my surgery. Probably for sometime in June so that I can get that out of the way as soon as possible because I don't want the condition worsenging plus here's a year of recovery time as well.

depending on my shift, i can fit I.C counselor in for anger management.

Another goal is to get WAW in I.C but i don't know if that is going to happen.

I don't talk about my goals alot because I know exactly how I'm going to fix alot of this stuff. My family rarely worries about me because they know I find a way to fix things. But this time with the health issues it really threw me for aloop everything was happening so fast then WAW leaving.

oh yea she knows where I work. I don't know how she knows (i did NOT tell her) but she knows and has already applied for it. I think that may be the interview she is having wednesday.

[james217]

oh yea she knows where I work. I don't know how she knows (i did NOT tell her) but she knows and has already applied for it. I think that may be the interview she is having wednesday.

I know how she knows. since she's my business partner for the company we own togethr, She was listed on my resume as a reference before I updated it like last week. They must have called her.

she mentioned my contact through the temporary service. there's nothing I can do. I can't say I hope she doesn't get the job cause she needs it but I don't want her working with me.

[james217]

oh yea she knows where I work. I don't know how she knows (i did NOT tell her) but she knows and has already applied for it. I think that may be the interview she is having wednesday.

I know how she knows. since she's my business partner for the company we own togethr, She was listed on my resume as a reference before I updated it like last week. They must have called her.

she mentioned my contact through the temporary service. there's nothing I can do. I can't say I hope she doesn't get the job cause she needs it but I don't want her working with me.

oh yea I know how she knows. the day I found out I got the job was the day after i went to the hospital last week. She heard the entire conversation because I had checked into a motel room near her place and then I checked out the next morning and she had spent the night taking care of me.

Then I spent all day at her place and they called me back later that evening with the address for the orientation I had last friday. I wrote it down or she wrote it down I cannot remember. But she knows. I know she at least heard the conversation. I believe she is the one who answered my phone too

damnit.

[CityGirl]

You have learned a valuable lesson the hard way why it is very important to keep your life under wraps with a WAS. There is no reason for her to be answering your phone or writing down messages or information.

What you do, who you do it with, what job you take or anything you are doing to improve you should be kept private. Being very vague with a WAS is best or in your case no contact at all.

DO NOT use her for a referral or reference anymore. Any linkage to your W at this time will only look bad for you.

And you should consider removing your "goal" of getting your W back to IC'ing. You can't make somebody do anything so it will be a goal that is unattainable.

[tristan]

What type of depression? Feeling unsexy? Unpretty? No self esteem? Did she state that her A made her feel better about herself? If these questions are too personal just let me know. You seem to be pieceing and I don't want to reopen any wounds

The way she explains it to me is that the entire world just looks gray. Nothing gives her happiness or excitment. She loses any sense of purpose in life. Fortunately, she is only depressed for temporary periods (usually 2-5 days at a time). She knows that it is temporary and battles through it; for the most part, she has come to accept that it is a part of her.

Obviously, she does not feel sexy or pretty during these times. I would discourage any advance of a H on a depressed W; it shows a total lack of empathy towards your spouse. But it goes way beyond not feeling sexy or pretty or having low self-esteem. For her, she seems to lose all meaning for life. She believes that she is a burden to anyone near her. Sometimes it seems like she feels severe guilt for simply existing.

As for our wounds, don't worry. They need to be revisited; they are impossible to sweep under the rug. These wounds are revisited on a daily basis regardless. You need to learn to feel comfortable with them.

I hope you get there James. But right now , from the little I have read, it sounds like you need to be focusing on you instead of your W.

Good luck,
-T

[james217]

What type of depression? Feeling unsexy? Unpretty? No self esteem? Did she state that her A made her feel better about herself? If these questions are too personal just let me know. You seem to be pieceing and I don't want to reopen any wounds

The way she explains it to me is that the entire world just looks gray. Nothing gives her happiness or excitment. She loses any sense of purpose in life. Fortunately, she is only depressed for temporary periods (usually 2-5 days at a time). She knows that it is temporary and battles through it; for the most part, she has come to accept that it is a part of her.

Obviously, she does not feel sexy or pretty during these times. I would discourage any advance of a H on a depressed W; it shows a total lack of empathy towards your spouse. But it goes way beyond not feeling sexy or pretty or having low self-esteem. For her, she seems to lose all meaning for life. She believes that she is a burden to anyone near her. Sometimes it seems like she feels severe guilt for simply existing.

As for our wounds, don't worry. They need to be revisited; they are impossible to sweep under the rug. These wounds are revisited on a daily basis regardless. You need to learn to feel comfortable with them.

I hope you get there James. But right now , from the little I have read, it sounds like you need to be focusing on you instead of your W.

Good luck,
-T

sounds eerily similar to my WAW. The thing is your W realized the problem and got help. My WAW says she will go but never goes.

When the kids left it pretty much destroyed her as well as taking those meds.. All I can do is watch her crumble.

Yep I'm trying to get me together. I have good days bad days indifferent days and days where i feel great and days where i'm absolutely miserable

thanks for your reply and feedback

[james217]

You have learned a valuable lesson the hard way why it is very important to keep your life under wraps with a WAS. There is no reason for her to be answering your phone or writing down messages or information.

What you do, who you do it with, what job you take or anything you are doing to improve you should be kept private. Being very vague with a WAS is best or in your case no contact at all.

DO NOT use her for a referral or reference anymore. Any linkage to your W at this time will only look bad for you.

And you should consider removing your "goal" of getting your W back to IC'ing. You can't make somebody do anything so it will be a goal that is unattainable.

Yep I have. I won't do that anymore. I don’t think she really wants to work anywaz. Well she does she’s just not at the “rock bottom” spot Rob talked about yet.

Today at work was fun. We had to fill out a bday list and all of the entire class is throwing me a bday next week on Wednesday *blushes*. A lot of the women in the class are so nice to me. They say I’m a gentlemen and a sweet heart lol. Makes me shy and blushy.

Went to lunch with one of the women from my class she’s married and in nursing school we talked about kids and life and just had fun.

Realized that one of my co-workers and I have a lot of mutual friends from highschool. She asked me a few things we started talking about Rs and I skipped a lot of details but she understood. It’s good to make a few new friends. She talked to me about her R and her life and we talked about people we knew from highschool. She wants me to help her fix her computer sometime this weekend.


I finally broke N.C. with WAW this morning. She emailed me and asked me what I was going to do for my bday. I stated I don't know that I am working that but still pretty down about the kids and it will be a sad day without them around and how my life was my family and I’m staying focused but just been a little sad lately.

She emailed me with this reply

Y can u say all those things.....and then the last statement I read is faith works is dead........even though things r the way they r we still must go on......I felt the same way....when my b-day came......I still feel that way when I look into SD8's eyes.....I love her so much....I love the boys......and I love and care for u.......

I came at the very end of her statement. Don’t know what to make of that. *shrugs*

The job that cancelled her training class back at the begginning of this month called me stating they have been approved to have another training class and she needs to call asap or the slots will be filled. It took her two freaking hours to respond to the text about the job. It might be too late. *shrugs*

Well my c oworker called me to help set up her new dsl and laptop so I’m about to head out in a little while.


what do you think about the email C.G.? or should I just shrug it off. She's been telling me she loves me alot more latley. I haven't been texting or calling. Just been getting a few from her

oh yea I checked the phone records again. The only calls she has made since she's been out of town have been to family members and me.

[james217]

Well here's a little journaling.

Last night I was supposed to fix a coworkers computer but she never called back so I did not go.

I talked to one of my best friends (borderline bipoloar) who has been married slightly over a year then are alot of similarities in my sitch and hers.

She is so close to becoming a WAW. They have a blended family and her H has 3 kids and she has 1. so four children. My friend is so drained and overwhelmed because she's just used to having to care for herself and her S8. here H'S 3 children's mother just pretty much abandoned the children and they were left to pick them up and take care of them.

She states how little money they have and how worn down she is from work and having 3 more mouths to cook for and help take care of the kids had no clothes for school or anything. By the time she gets to her H she is totally tired.

She doesnt' want to be touched or close to him and he just wants toime with her. He had been out of work for about a year and finally found a new job and he was the one taking care of the children.

Now she feels smothered trapped with no me time and although her H tries to do things like watch movies with her or spend cuddle time or intimacy. She doesn't feel appreciated because she's doing so much for their four children.

I gave her some advice about how she needs some space and me time. I told her about my sitch. I mean the words she used and WAW were pretty much identical.

I told her she should should try to hang in there because I believed it was miscommunication. Her H comes home from work and just wants her time. She's tired. I stated maybe she needed a break to like go out and have some fun by herself and then find a babysitter so her and H can have some fun together.

She listed all of these traits about her H she liked. She said it's really not his fault. She's just tired and they argue because he just wants her time. She said she had her bags backed a few days ago and decided to stay but she has one foot out the door mentally and emotionally.

She also gave me some insightg just by talking about her own sitch it helped me understand things as well as from me reading my threads and other threads to understand things better.

I still am very sad though. I have not seen WAW in a week. we haven't talked in 6 days. I broke N.C. for a little while about the job that called for her (the one she was due to start at the beginning of april but the training class got cancelled) and asked her about sd8 and was happy to hear how much she loved the build a bear and would sleep with it.

I asked her for a picture of SD8 and she said she would send one. Still haven't received it so I'm kind of bummed out about it.

I wonder if I'm missed or thought about anymore. I mean she does send texts every once in awhile but they haven't been that consistent since she's down there with SD8.

I'm wondering if i'm hoping for nothing. If there's no way my M can be repaired and restored.

Today is one of my "bad days" there's no work and i'm just sitting around thinking. I'm 4 more days I'll be 32. I will have a party thrown by co-workers and my trainers.

I wish I knew how WAW truly felt. She told me the other day (see my post above this one) that she loved and cared for me. But that came after the kids. So I don't know what to think right now about that.

I'm just trying to stay focused on my goals and not crowd or pursue WAW.

More N.C. seems like the best option but maybe N.C. doesn't matter to her anymore. I don't know.

I could really use a litte advice from my friends. Is this normal? Am I supposed to still feel like this?

I miss my children and waw so much. I'm not all clingy to her like I used to be but I still have all 4 of them in my heart and on my mind. I think i'm detaching a little bit due to being able to N.C. this long.