Took my wife for granted, now she is done. help!

[Tattoo_you]

Thanks future,
I know my intentions are mixed right now, I am really trying to find the balance in this whole thing. Part of me knows that I need to focus more on bettering myself for now and later, but there is a part of me that is still worried that if I let in thoughts of losing my W, it will start to make me more bitter and I will find it hard to keep my PMA. It's just so tough.

Thanks for your advice.

[Tattoo_you]

Does anyone have a suggestion about if I should have my W read the five love language book? I know to keep the DR away from her but should we both be aware of out LL and try to understand how they work together?

[sandi2]

I was thinking it would show that he is taking an interest in some of the things she is interested in.

No, that is not the advice you gave him. Not going to argue over it, but your advice was wrong. I'm right....you're wrong..

[sandi2]

Does anyone have a suggestion about if I should have my W read the five love language book? I know to keep the DR away from her but should we both be aware of out LL and try to understand how they work together?

Tattoo, I think it is in the DR book, but the H of the WAW is not to try to get her to read any R/M books. Don't try to encourage her to join you in watching a video or listen to tapes on M, love, etc. Why? B/c she will see all of those things being pressure on her. She will not be a happy camper. It will backfire on you, if you don't trust me and proceed to try to talk her into reading this.

I know that you want her to have the information about the 5 LL. But, right now....you are the one wanting to save the M and it will be YOU who will do the work...not her. If you discover what her LL is, by reading that book, then you can begin to apply her LL and hopefully you will start to see her respond to that. She can read LL at a future time. You need a "game plan" and DR and 5 LL can be part of that game plan.

[Tattoo_you]

Thanks sandi2, really great advice. I will just try and apply what I learn in LL to our sitch and see how it plays out.

It will also be nice to find out how I really operate as well, sometimes I don't understand alot of the reasons I do things until I can see them spelled out for me.

My W and I don't talk at all during the day, by phone or text. I know this is a major point of the game plan and I have done pretty well the last few days in sticking to it. It's difficult to not contact her but I can totally see how desperate and pathetic I must look to her. Not to be stereotypical but physically most would not expect me to be as sensitive as I am but I am a pretty fragile person. All of this with my R is really taking it's toll. I have felt better today because I am trying to have a PMA all the time and not be unrealisticly optimistic but still holding out hope.

I did focus on my appearence today (haircut, shave new clothes) I feel better about myself even if she doesn't notice.

Tonight I'm planning on doing more work around the house and then reading after she goes to bed.

[starvingartist]

Take thiis advice with a grain of salt and lots of logic.

If (and this is a big "if" here) she is anything like me, and she is hurting because you didn't give her the right attention, go after her in a way you never have before.

Think back on all the times she may have been upset with you and try to remember what her words were. What was she asking for? This is where love languages comes in handy because it might be something you never thought of as showing love.

If she is leaving because she thinks you wouldn't care if she did, you need to show her you care.

But desperation is bad because it makes it seem insincere, as if you are only finally putting effort into the relationship because you are close to losing it.

Learn what she needs to feel loved, then show her you know how.

[sandi2]

This gives me an opportunity to hopefully point out a difference in women when the M is in serious trouble. Two examples here: Starvingartist, who doesn't want to leave her M (if I understand her thread)and Tattoo's W, who is ready to walk away and file for a D. The game plan is very different b/c these are two VERY different wives.

I'm not saying that Starvingartist's advise in this post is not usable or valuable.....I don't mean that at all. But the techniques in how you (Tattoo) respond to your thread right now during the walk-away wife phase is critical. If you were to begin using--for example--the "Love Dare" techniques with your WAW, it would be sickening to her b/c of it's pursuing ways. But, if you had used it before it reached this place in the R, she would have seen it as being wonderful. I'm not up to date with SA's thread, but it would probably be food for her soul if her H would apply those principles. If the D is busted, "then" you can use techniques more like those in books like LD. The 5 LL was to just help you understand that not everyone responds to the same action and/or receives those good feelings of "I am loved" in the same way. Besides, it a tiny book that you can read in a little bit. DR will need to be "studied" and used like a marriage manual.

I strongly suggest that you lay the 5 LL down for now or just read the thing and get focused on the DR book. DR is priority, okay?

[OfficerInNeed]

Does anyone have a suggestion about if I should have my W read the five love language book? I know to keep the DR away from her but should we both be aware of out LL and try to understand how they work together?

I am not one to give advice due to the fact I am going through the early stages of my sitch but in many some ways we have a similar sitch.

When I first purchased the DR a few months back when our sitch first began I wanted my W to see that I was reading it so she knew I was taking our R/M seriously. When my sitch first started my W was VERY BITTER and NASTY and accused my of NEVER loving her so I waved the book in her face. She could careless what I was reading, to her I was just wasting my time on a lost cause.

More recently I purchased an ebook of 5LL, after reading it I thought "If my W read this she would realize love is a choice and this whole ILYBNILWY is something she can overcome" So I went out and purchased a hard copy. I read the book again, and then I started to leave the book laying around the house as if I forgot it somewhere. In some instances my W has stacked magazines or other things on top of the book. So in other words she has no interest and I get the point.

I have, however, leave self help books out in the open with my bookmark visible so my W can see (if she choose to) that I am making progress on bettering myself. I have a great book on anger management that I been reading. My W has not said anything to me about it, nor do I ever see that it has been touch besides when I move it but I know she does see it.

[Tattoo_you]

Thanks guys,

W was asleep when I got home last night (she works really early on Saturday morning). I cleaned some and then finally got into my books. Read through the second LL before I had to get to bed. Things in that book really make alot of sense. I am excited to read the rest and find out more about how I communicate love and how my W does as well.

This morning I got up really early (another 180 for me) and did a top to bottom cleaning of the bedroom. My wife is a clean freak (when she wants to be) so I have always thought that my best efforts to clean were never good enough. I am realizing that I was doing all that stuff half-a$$ed and I was never really trying very hard. The last few days I have been focusing on being only occupied with what I am doing right then. Lessening the distractions is helping focus on doing the best job I can do. Even if that isn't quite as good as she always does it, I want to be confident that I genuinely was the best I could have done.

I understand the importance of getting into DR and I will do that ASAP.

I am really focusing on my PMA today. My days at work can be long and exhausting and it's easy to let my mind race and that never ends well.

I am off tomorrow and so is she. I'm worried about how our interaction will be the first day off together since she brought up D. I plan on going to the pub in the morning to watch a soccer game but I may be back before she is even awake. Tomorrow is also mothers day. My mom died almost 12 years ago to the day. I admit I am still really screwed up about the whole thing and I have a tendency to become pretty unbearable to be around this time of year. I am really trying to focus on not bringing the vibe in the house down any further than it has come already.

Any suggestions for a day off together? Ignore each other? Be gone? Help!

[OfficerInNeed]

I am off tomorrow and so is she. I'm worried about how our interaction will be the first day off together since she brought up D. I plan on going to the pub in the morning to watch a soccer game but I may be back before she is even awake. Tomorrow is also mothers day. My mom died almost 12 years ago to the day. I admit I am still really screwed up about the whole thing and I have a tendency to become pretty unbearable to be around this time of year. I am really trying to focus on not bringing the vibe in the house down any further than it has come already.

Any suggestions for a day off together? Ignore each other? Be gone? Help!

I received a lot of great advice on this forum and here is what I did... When W and I are in the house together alone ( which is everyday) I just go about my business. I'd clean or do something that needs to be done (painting, fixing something). I would not avoid my W but also would not initiate conversation. When my W said something to me I would respond in an upbeat tone and say things like "of course" if asked to do/get something, always speaking in a calm/inviting / If my W did talk to me I did NOT take this as an opportunity to start talking or carrying on other conversations. Took while to get the hang of it and sometimes I still slip up.

Today I can honestly say things are FAR better then they were 2 months ago, I regret not applying all the advice/tips I received sooner.