What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[newmama]

I love the discussion- I have said it before and will say it again. Seriously, WE can not do much to end the affair. All we can do is try to make the affair more difficult for them to maintain. I seriously 100% believe that the WS is the only one who decides to end the A (or the OP might dump them) and R or not. (well the betrayed spouse can choose to R or not as well)

But I quoted Puppy because the point was that if you invest a lot of time trying to determine if the WS is responding to your DBing efforts while he is in an A then you will be misled.

Ok an advantage to not giving a crap if there is an A and not "being obsessive" about implementing specific strategies and monitoring results is that if you don't care, you are detached.
They figure out their own issues while you GAL and focus on yourself.

The downside (check out Piano's quote from RobX in her thread) is that if you aren't making improvements in the areas where there were marital complaints pre-affair or self improvements that you need to make, then there is a chance that when the WAS finally gets his head out of his a$$ and gets serious about whether he wants to R, it might look kind of dismal to him to look at your old relationship. If you make improvements, though, it shows promise and potential for a better relationship.

Here is the super sucky part of all this- you are pregnant and occupied with preparations for the baby, so how in the world are you also to start working on areas that need improvement? I ran into this issue which is a lot of the reasonwhy I didn't start DBing until S was 3 months old. Oh- I did start cleaning more when I was pregnant though. But the other improvements came later.

[newmama]

And a different topic-attachment style. Explain how knowing this will help you. Can you change it or is it too late? Is it unhealthy for you to have the attachment style that you do? Examine your life- do you have at least one friend you can count on, do you keep jobs, do you get along with people, were you connected with your spouse before he got weird? If yes, then your style works fine for you! (totally my opinion!!)

[gatsby11]

I see there's another page, but I don't have enough time to check now! (Woke up late, made it in a few min late, have 10000 things to do before 8:30 am!)

Anyways, he hasn't written back. So I'm pretty happy. I took a step in a more positive direction for our correspondence, and. . . I guess that's just what I had to do.

Be back later!

[gatsby11]

Taking a break from testing to say that he did write back.

That's so funny because I got that song in my head yesterday! Gatsby, I really wanted to tell you about Bill Murray. I thought, "I just met Bill Murray! I have to tell Gatsby about this." I was the only guy he shook hands with. With everyone else, he just knocked their drinks out of their hands. But I just didn't know if I should tell you.

The check is in the mail to your work.



So that's fine, we're done writing. Mission accomplished, I think.

Gotta go!

[Babydoll]

Wow Gatsby he wrote back! Is that good or bad? or acting as if it was nothing...

As for WAS, what is there is no A? Then what? Its so hard bc treating a WAS who is having an A is very different than those who are not? What if you work hard in DBing in one direction to find out you shouldve been working towards another?

[gatsby11]

NM, point completely taken about working on myself and the parts of the R that I hindered. I think that. . . well, I wonder if I am too detached. I don't know. I want to talk to the therapist and see what she thinks!

Oh, and I think it impacted the R because there were problems that I just ignored. I thought they weren't that bad, everybody has that kind of thing. But I didn't really look into it to find out. I just "dismissed" issues and moved on. And that is something that I know that I have to change, whether I get back with WH or get a new husband. I have to notice issues and then really give them the time they need.

Sorry my last post didn't make it clear that was his email response! I was in such a hurry.

Anyway, yeah, BD, it's good that he wrote back, I guess. I am not really thinking about it. The second time I read it is right now when I looked at my post! My past self read every line he wrote and analyzed everything. This, I'm not.

I was thinking about why I decided to write him during testing today. I figured out that I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't holding him back from contacting me. He follows me so much. That's what bugs me a little. He still waits for me to lead. And I did right here. That's another thing that I would want to work on if we were together. "But I didn't know if I should tell you."-- boo hoo.

Wow, the baby just stuck her foot out to the side and my arm touched it. Very weird. Very weird. It still weirds me out that someone's in there!

Anyways.

BD, about your second paragraph, yeah I don't know. I don't know if I'm really DBing right now. For those who really are committed to doing it, it does have to be hard to know sometimes!

Ok, going to catch up on other threads!

[Piano]

Here is the super sucky part of all this- you are pregnant and occupied with preparations for the baby, so how in the world are you also to start working on areas that need improvement? I ran into this issue which is a lot of the reasonwhy I didn't start DBing until S was 3 months old. Oh- I did start cleaning more when I was pregnant though. But the other improvements came later.

yup. couldn't agree more. there's so much to do baby wise, and how do you separate that from your sitch?

[gatsby11]

Saw WH again in passing (he didn't see me). He was walking back from swimming to his apartment. He was walking with someone and at first I was thinking I was seeing the OW! But then I saw it was a short stocky Asian guy.

It has thrown me off a bit. But I'll be ok.

Saw the J-Lo movie. Sucked! Don't waste your time on it!!

[gatsby11]

Just had therapy. She doesn't think I'm fully dismissive avoidant. (Hey, just had a keyboard malfunction and I fixed it myself yeah!)

But we did spend some time talking about the relief I feel being separated from the WH. It scares me because I really do want he and I to be back together, and I'm afraid my relief shows that somehow we're not meant to be.

But he was so critical of me during the pregnancy, every little thing, that I'm just glad I can be away from that. (What I looked like, how I ate, how clean the apartment was or the car was, everything. He was even irritated that I was using a couple of pillows to go to sleep.)

And then I also have some positive feelings about having my own place. While WH and I were together, I always let him decorate. It was his thing. I "didn't care." (This is what I'm working on in therapy-- noticing what I want.) So the arrangement, what we had, everything, was all him. Even though I took most of the furniture with me, I've added a few new things and this place is mine. I'm really happy to have a space. If we were ever to live together again, I'd really have to make sure that I had a space to make my own (without worrying about his critical eye!).

It saddens me that we had so many issues in the relationship that I didn't realize/avoided. I really don't want that to mean that we can't be together. I mean, every couple has its issues!

It just goes to show that if we were ever to reach piecing, it would be such a difficult road. I really want to do it and make it work, but it would not be easy.

So that's that.

In other news, I'm loving my thick hair. The bad part is I'm DREADING the post-partum shedding. Just absolutely dreading it. But I guess I'll enjoy what I have now!

[newmama]

You let your H decorate the place too??? I kind of did as well!

The road to piecing will be hard but like you said, everyone has areas to improve in their relationship so it will just be an opportunity.

Some people live peacefully avoiding issues in their R! My therapist told me that there is something with the way the couple handles conflict-if one is an aggressor and the other is conflict avoidant, not so good. If both are aggressors not so good. BUt if both are conflict avoidant (or comfortable with conflict) then they get along with each other! (based on the research he reads)