If I was his W and was wanting that book, and he bought it for "him" to read in front of me and then said I could read it when he finished it......I would want to kick his rear. That is the very kind of thing that a WAW will balk about. Besides, it's rude & inconsiderate,to say the least.
Sandi, I guess I would never offer that advice to your spouse then
I don't see how its rude for him to go buy a book and read it under any circumstance. I was thinking it would show that he is taking an interest in some of the things she is interested in.
It's not as if they are on good terms and she is telling him, "Honey, I need to remember to pick up that new book by [author] that I have just been dying to read".
If she had specifically mentioned that book, then I would be in agreement. This sounds more like he was trying to be thoughtful (to me), and I am not sure she is open to that right now, so better to proceed with caution.
In the middle of our M crisis, my W was talking about going home to visit her family, so I said, "If you want to go visit family right now, I suppose we can afford a plane ticket", and her response was "Stop trying to make this difficult". In her mind, being thoughtful was me being manipulative, so... something to think about.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 04/30/1004:53 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Thanks sandi2. It's hard for me to not think that the behavior everyone talks about on these boards as kind of inflamitory. Granted she is doing something that is hurtful to me but a) I feel a large responsibility for her current feelings and b) acting rude and selfish (or at least seeming that way) kind of got me here in the first place.
I understand that we want to create space and even some re-kindled interest in ourselves by pulling away but can't that be done without malice? I am really trying to show my W that I can be a better version of me and the old (or current) me is prone to snap and get defensive quickly. Regardless of my hopes for the future, I don't want to perpetuate and continue those attitudes.
the old (or current) me is prone to snap and get defensive quickly. Regardless of my hopes for the future, I don't want to perpetuate and continue those attitudes.
Good. A breakthrough! No matter what happens you are going to be a better person. Being defensive and snappish (especially since that is how you have been in the past) is defintely not going to help matters.
You don't need to be defensive or walk on egg shells, but just be sensitive to the fact that even the best actions with the best intentions can be perceived differently by somebody who is thinking about ending a relationship (so don't be shocked if that happens sometimes).
In the end, if it works, good. If it doesn't work, time for something else.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Thanks sandi2. It's hard for me to not think that the behavior everyone talks about on these boards as kind of inflamitory. Granted she is doing something that is hurtful to me but a) I feel a large responsibility for her current feelings and b) acting rude and selfish (or at least seeming that way) kind of got me here in the first place.
I understand that we want to create space and even some re-kindled interest in ourselves by pulling away but can't that be done without malice? I am really trying to show my W that I can be a better version of me and the old (or current) me is prone to snap and get defensive quickly. Regardless of my hopes for the future, I don't want to perpetuate and continue those attitudes.
Tattoo,
Where has anyone recommended anything that was inflammatory, hurtful, or with malice?
Puppy, those where probably the wron terms. I guess what I am saying is I have a history of not thinking of her needs and being selfish, couldn't my actions of distancing myself be misinterpreted? I know my focus needs to be on myself and bettering me but I don't want her to think that I have given up on our R.
In my situation there is no OM, no A. She is just tired of feeling hurt and rejected. I recognize this and am furiously trying to show her that I can and do have those character traits she loved me for years ago, I just got alittle lost along the way. I don't feel like she has hurt or betrayed me (other than the hurt I feel because she wants to leave).
Puppy, those where probably the wron terms. I guess what I am saying is I have a history of not thinking of her needs and being selfish, couldn't my actions of distancing myself be misinterpreted?
This is where you slipped into tricky territory (glad you see how you got here, but the way out is often not so obvious, I am afraid): because you made some mistakes (and I think you are probably being too hard on yourself here because there's a good chance if you had a good verbal, sensible verbal warning that her needs were not being met, you might have straightened up. It takes two...), she is now telling you she wants out. Is that accurate?
But you don't want her to leave, right? So how is asking her not to leave thinking about what she now thinks she needs and not being selfish on your part? Very tricky territory. Been there myself.
Time to listen without trying to convince her (so long as there are reasonable boundaries) or change her mind when she speaks. Time to improve yourself in any way you can.
Also... standard affirmations like "I am sorry you feel that way", etc.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 04/30/1006:00 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Tattoo, I am curious about what specifically your W has been upset about for so long. From what I've gathered from this thread, you say you have taken her for granted, been selfish, not thinking of her, made her feel rejected.
But can you think of the specific actions you have taken (or not taken) to make her feel that way? What made her feel hurt and rejected? What selfish things have you done?
It sounds like you have good intentions, and whole-heartedly want to reconnect and make her happy, but you have to really listen to what she's upset about. What did she ask you for in the last few years, BEFORE she expressed wanting to leave you?
If it was distance that caused her to feel this way in the first place, then more distance will make it worse. It won't be a 180, just more of the same.
This thread caught my eye because you could very well be my H (tattoos and all). I recently gave him 6 months (a second chance) before I leave for good. He has spent a lot of time not hearing what I'm saying to him about what I need. He thinks I want him to have more sex, do more chores, and talk about his feelings. What I have really been trying to say is I want physical intimacy (sex or not), I want him to be more independent, and I want him to challenge me intellectually and talk about something other than what's on TV or what's for dinner.
Maybe it would help to map out your thoughts on paper, and really think about what she has been trying to tell you. I know communication is a two-way street, and sometimes people aren't always clear. Just think of what she was asking for BEFORE she decided she wanted to leave, because now she is not going to be as likely to ask for what she needs after having asked so many times and not be heard.
I will be totally honest and say I knew she was hurting but I was so focused on working and handeling my own stuff that some of that fell on deaf ears. I really messed up with that. I know that it seems like I am making all these "discoveries" about myself right at the 11th hour and may seem disgenuous and just an effort to keep her around but he truth is, I have never been faced with the possibility they my M would fall apart. It was stupid and careless on my part but I think the point is I am learning, reading, examining my own issues and those are things I have never done before. I don't think she would believe me if I told her all the things I am discovering and I guess that's why my actions and my 180 are the most effective way to tell her I am serious. I don't think that just because I was acting like an idiot before, that should lessen or demean the breakthroughs and lasting changes I can make now.
Wow starving artist, I had to look through your posts to make sure you weren't my W. Your situation is almost identical in many ways. We have had intimacy issues for awhile. I agree that I did a very piss poor job at really listening to my W but now I really know that if I would just shut up and listen, things would go so better. I have really started to view my wife in a new life. She is pretty no nonsense and opinionated (in a really good and real way) so she comes off pretty tough sometimes. In actuality she is really soft, sweet and sensitive. I have just started looking at her as the strong but delicate woman that she is. I admit I haven't always treated her as soft and gentle as I should and I am really ashamed that I pushed such a beautiful and amazing woman into feeling so rejected by me. I am desperate to make her see that I can really dedicate my efforts to cherishing her like I should.
Artist, how would you want you H to act in this case? How should I approach telling (or showing) her that I am really 100% invested in making this better and saving our R.
I guess what I am saying is I have a history of not thinking of her needs and being selfish, couldn't my actions of distancing myself be misinterpreted? I know my focus needs to be on myself and bettering me but I don't want her to think that I have given up on our R.
That is the tough thing about DBing. In some ways you WANT her to think you've given up on the R. That takes the pressure off her. There's a balance between taking the pressure off her, yet still allowing her to witness changes in you. It can be a tough balance.
Try to think of her as a friend, for now. You don't worry about how every one of your actions is being perceived and reacted to by a friend. You don't do things specifically to impress a friend, or influence them in some way. They're just someone who's in your life, yet living their own. They certainly are witness to how you live your life, without it having any significant direct impact on them.
A big part of DBing is taking the pressure off the WAW. The pressure is what makes them want to walk, presuming an A isn't going on. In my case, I started running. I did it for me, and I stuck to it. I was out of shape and lethargic, and I needed something to challenge me in a new way. Something I never would have done in the past. Did my W see it? Absolutely, but I don't think she thought I was doing it to impress her. In truth, a small part of me did want to impress her, but by far I was doing for myself. No way I could have kept it up for over two years, and run a marathon, otherwise. I also stepped up my guitar playing, and finally started performing in public. I never said a word about it to my W, but the kids told her. Is my M saved? No, but that story isn't over yet either. Regardless, I feel better about myself than I have a LONG time.
Your W is still in your life, so you don't need to make it a special point to allow her to witness your changes. The fact that you WANT to make sure she sees it tells me you're doing it for the wrong reason. If you truly think you have need to improve, for yourself, and for anyone who may someday be in your life with you, then get working on it. If you can save your M, great, and if your M ends and you meet someone new, great.
