What am I supposed to say that wouldn't sound like I'm trying to control him or get him to make some kind of declaration of his intentions?
I would tell him what your boundaries are at this point, you're allowed to have some, you know! If boinking is off limits now (I'm assuming here) you tell him you aren't comfortable with that right now. You don't have to explain, it is what it is. Taking care of yourself is not controlling someone else, it is showing self respect. It concerns me that you are so concerned with how he will perceive your intention...who cares. If he really is interested in pursuing a new relationship he will respect those boundaries, if not then you know where this is going.
Hey Mish, nice you could be there for your cousin, take it easy though hey, you have alot on your plate too and your own grief to deal with!
As for Gabe.. I dont get why you mentioned the broom. If you feel he is in a place he may go back to her, then.. why are you and him...etc etc??? I dont think he would, not now he has made the break. I always said, when they're done, they're DONE. After all the drama with her, he sounds pretty done (but hey, could be wrong!).
As for "What am I supposed to say that wouldn't sound like I'm trying to control him or get him to make some kind of declaration of his intentions?"
- you dont TELL him what to do or ASK him what he's feeling/thinking.
You tell him what YOU are feeling and what you want to do. You only talk about yourself and leave it up to him to decide what to do with the info.
Of course in order to do that, you need to decide how you feel and what you want to do.. like whether or not you are going to continue to ML with a guy who you have no idea where you stand or what his next move is going to be and is making no attempts to give you something concrete to stand on. I also didnt get that in the early days of my reconciliation, not verbally.. BUT there was no doubt in my mind that he had 'turned' and was back for good, because I saw it in his eyes. The old bf was back and the closed/withdrawn gaze was gone. They call it the cold, or alien eyes, but it was never so harsh as that. Whatver it was, it was GONE. How are Gabes eyes when he looks at you now??
After all he put you through and the hurt and tooing and froing, you really should be standing still, stating how you see it and its his choice whether he wants to 'man up' and be in a relationship with you again. It worries me reading your posts because I can see how much you need this.
The bit where he said he was leaving for a few days, was.. fair enough. It was about HIM, not you. He was safegaurding himself and his feelings of shame about how he has behaved and NOT being able to handle having to be confronted with his actions and shame and guilt by facing your family and what he imagines will be their hostility/disapproval.
NOT about a desire to either a) leave you/your house again (who knows, in the long run though? Probably not even Gabe knows) or b) return to the broom. Just not being able to 'face' your family. Yes, cowardly, but in not a rejection of you, perse. But you know that, right? WAS shame and guilt.. dbing 101.
Hugs to you at this difficult time, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
My condolences on your uncle (haven't been on the boards in almost a week, I know they're belated). (((Mishka)))
It's not about him. It's about you.
He can do who he wants, what he wants. And so can you.
You don't have to confess every thought over the last month.
Just use "I think / I feel" statements. Keep it short and simple. And then give him time to process it and decide what he wants to do about the boundaries you are articulating.
It'll be easier than you fear.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Ok, I broke through my fear and talked to Gabe last night.
In a nutshell, I told him that I am very confused about my feelings toward him. That I feel like I'm becoming attached to him and that scares me because I'm afraid it will set me back. His question to me......"Are you afraid because you expect me to bolt?". He asked a direct question, I gave him a direct answer, "Yes." He opened up then.....much more than he's ever been with me. He said he is having a lot of feelings toward me that he didn't expect to have. He thought at first that this was all for fun and it's turning into a lot more than that.
So, some feelings were laid out, I didn't get emotional, I was matter of fact about what my current feelings are and that I'm very confused by it. All true. I have no idea what may happen, but I am enjoying the ride a bit.
You all probably think I'm nuttier than you ever could have imagined and that is ok....so do I!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
GREAT JOB!!!! The only surprise is that you spoke up finally, not his response :-)
Now, you did great on this. It is worth noting something to yourself.... Suppose you had instead done what you had suggested several days ago, demanded to know his feelings and intentions, tried to extract some guarantee, put everything on him so that you could keep hiding. The result would have been very different, and even if he said close to the same thing, neither one of you would have really known how much he meant it, and how much he felt cornered/coerced.
Instead, you were direct, you expressed your feelings, reported your experience. This leaves the other person much freer. And, it is the first step toward REAL intimacy. You let him see you. You took a big risk. And he did the same. Nice outcome.
Anyway, it's been very obvious that he's having loving feelings toward you. You, however, keep making false assumptions about his feelings and motivations.
Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Give you BOTH the chance to be good partners. Respect yourself in the process. Drop the martyr stuff once and for all.
Expect to find out bad stuff you never knew before. Try to use compassion to understand why someone might get to such a place in which they'd do those things.
Watch for old bad patterns, find new ways to change them. You have to do that work with someone, may as well be him.
Keep taking care of yourself and working on having a great life. If you hadn't been doing so, you would not have become an attractive partner again. Keep doing your Wii, keep looking at new training...
Almost all dating Rs fail. That's why we have to date to begin with. Right now, you have a new dating R. No guarantees. On the bright side, your history demonstrates that it is a new dating R with significant potential. Do I think the R has a chance? Let's just say I think there is a non-trivial chance of real reconciliation and, no matter what happens, truly believe you can get a lot out of it IF YOU STOP THE MARTYR STUFF, GET HONEST, RESPECT YOURSELF in the process. Your conversation last night was a MAJOR step in that direction. The whiney, mopey, I-have-no-right-to-have-or-voice-my-feelings Mish was headed the wrong direction. So please please please, if nothing else, burn into your mind how much better it felt to be authentic and direct last night. That is how you avoid being Gabe's victim, and how you avoid being your own victim.
Ok, I broke through my fear and talked to Gabe last night.
You all probably think I'm nuttier than you ever could have imagined and that is ok....so do I!!!
What's nutty! You were finally being true to yourself. You took a risk, a big risk by laying out your feelings but obviously you were feeling ready to deal with whatever came up. You acted out of a position of strength. You did good!
You are so brave chica! Good for you for putting your feelings out there and taking a risk. I bet after you did it you were glad you spoke up, right? Yay Mish!
