Took my wife for granted, now she is done. help!

[TimeHeals]

I plan on sitting on the couch as well and watching tv, she has not aknowledged me at all but hat has become pretty common.

If it bothers you, then go to another room and read a book or something.
No books? Go for a drive to the book store, buy a book, bring it home, go to another room and read it.

I thought of that one for you. You figure out the next one, ok?

[Tattoo_you]

Thanks for all the advice. Got home and did a few chores around the house, in view of her hanging out. Then sat down and watched tv a bit. Good to see her laughing. We talked alittle about random things (her work, tv etc). Then she was off to bed. I am taking advantage of time we don't spend together (her asleep) to do things around the house that I need to do and would be a nice surprise for her to wake up to.

Thanks for everyone continued support and advice, don't have much f that in the "real" world. Means alot to hear your stories.

I will check in tomorrow.

[Kimmie Lee]

Going for a drive is good, being mysterious. Maybe get a book that is interesting, but somewhat out of character for you. One about travel, maybe? Somewhere YOU always wanted to go? Or a new hobby that would still interest you, even if things don't work out with you guys. A little 180.

I don't think I would go into another room too much though. It could look like "the bunker" mentality.

Just act as upbeat as you can around her in your own home.

[TimeHeals]

I agree that you shouldn't appear to be hiding in a bunker (leave the door open if you take that advice). The idea is not to set there stewing.

Doing things around the house is a fantastic idea, IMO. Especially if you didn't do much of that before. And simple tasks can be good therapy and give you a sense of accomplishment.

Good job! Keep thinking about the positive changes.

[sandi2]

I have a bit of a problem with being responsible with financial matters and house related things. I agree that I have always dropped the ball with those things.

For some of us women, we see our H in his role of being the provider/protector/leader, etc. in relationship with this very issue. I'm not sure how you mean house related things, but to me...the man was the one who took care of the plumbing, replacing woodwork, painting, triming trees.....those sorts of things that (even though women are capable of doing them)we like to see our H taking charge of the "heavy" jobs. "Housework" that was once considered "woman's work" is now shared by both partners....and should be if both work away from home. If she got stuck with all the work.....and saw you not holding up your end of things, then a lot of resentment started building.

A lot of W's take care of paying the bills, etc., but whatever the "responsibility" was that you fell down in.....I bet she related it with "leadership" as the H. When it comes to financial matters.....if the H causes the couple to get into serious debt, damages the credit, loses the house or whatever.....there again, he is showing weakness as a good leader/provider/protector in the M. She becomes insecure and at the same time, can lose a lot of respect for the H.

It's most important that you are a solid leader that shows strength that she can respect and rely upon. We women need to feel that toward our H b/c it affects our feelings in the R.

Maybe it has be discussed already, but do you know what your W's love language is?

[Tattoo_you]

Thanks sandi2, you really put some things into perspective fo me. I really do think that W has expectations of my to be the "leader" of the house, so to speak. I didn't have a great example of that growing up and she did. Last night after she went to bed I spent some time doing things around the house (cleaning etc) and really put forth a sincere effort. Not sure if she noticed but I'm learning that it matters if I feel good about what I've accomplished. But my behavior last night was definatly a 180 from my normal after work routine.

As far as love languages go, we've never looked at it together (maybe we could and that could give me some insight) but from reading about them, she sounds like a mix of several. Mostly I would say she needs quality time and affection where I feel like I fall somewhere around giving gifts and acts of service. If she warms up to the idea, maybe we can look into those languages together.

Would you suggest buying the love language book?

[Tattoo_you]

Stopped at the bookstore on the way to work and got the divorce remedy and the love languages book.

Do you all suggest having your spouse know you are reading those books or should it be more of a personal thing that they are unaware of?

I think if she knew she would say "why did you spend money on those? There is nothing that can be fixed...etc" I know she would be speaking out of hurt but it would be really difficult for me to hear that. On the other hand I have never been invested enough in changing or learning more about how we operate as a couple to get into any of these types of books.

Also, I may have made a mistake. At the store I saw the new book from a series that she likes and bought it for her. Should I give it to her or is that off limits?

Thanks guys.

[TimeHeals]

I think if she knew she would say "why did you spend money on those? There is nothing that can be fixed...etc" I know she would be speaking out of hurt but it would be really difficult for me to hear that. On the other hand I have never been invested enough in changing or learning more about how we operate as a couple to get into any of these types of books.

Also, I may have made a mistake. At the store I saw the new book from a series that she likes and bought it for her. Should I give it to her or is that off limits?

Thanks guys.

I think you know the answer: keep the R books to yourself, or it will seem like you are trying to pressure, persue, and fix her too.

As for the other book, why don't you just read it yourself? No need to hide that if it isn't all R stuff. If she asks about it, ask her if she'd like to read it when you are done with it (but then you really, really need to read it).

[Tattoo_you]

I might read the book I got for her but I fill I have my literary hands full with these R books. Maybe I will just leave it around the house and if she asks about it I can say I got it to read but haven't got around to it? Being interested in books she likes that I would rarely choose would be a bit of a 180 for me.

[sandi2]

As for the other book, why don't you just read it yourself? No need to hide that if it isn't all R stuff. If she asks about it, ask her if she'd like to read it when you are done with it (but then you really, really need to read it).

If I was his W and was wanting that book, and he bought it for "him" to read in front of me and then said I could read it when he finished it......I would want to kick his rear. That is the very kind of thing that a WAW will balk about. Besides, it's rude & inconsiderate,to say the least.

I do agree that he should not share the DR book or LL book or any R books. He doesn't need to read them in front of her or leave them laying around for her to see.

These books and this board are your tools to use to bust a divorce. They are not tools for her. It is like your game plan and if you try to get her to see your plan.....then it just kinds of takes the power away, doesn't it.