SR - I know. The kids don't deserve this. Neither do I, but that's inconsequential and I can take it. It's not what they deserve and that is frustrating. I am cordial. I am even kind in many ways. But I am quickly changing focus and re-emphasizing my own needs and changing my habits. Every time I think I want to do something nice for her, I instead do something nice for me. Or a friend or the kids. I am exploring the world at large and really do enjoy that. I just need us to sell the house so I can be away from her for good. I do realize I'll have to deal with her regarding the kids, but that is to be expected.
AK!! Good to see you here. How have you been? I haven't been back to CA in a while, but still owe you as I recall. Need to get you to find me externally so we can work out the details!
I do have a clear direction. Just going to require time and exploration I think. She did a lot of damage and I'm only now starting to decompress and find some of, and work to repair that damage. I didn't realize the extent and still may not, but I'm actively searching and repairing that damage now. 18 years of marriage and almost three years of just me trying has really left a lot more damage than I expected. I kept my feelings bottled up away from her while trying to "find out" if we could fix things. Just didn't realize there was no "we" trying. In some sense, she may have been trying, but hard to see that. She has been trying to kill the marriage and destroy everything in her life that she can. Thankfully she has come back to a relationship with the kids. I am grateful for that.
Last night: Gosh that was fun. She came home from the beach with my son after an overnight. Good side is that they went alone. That's new for her since during all of this she has not been alone with the kids for more than a few hours. I've been gone quite a bit and the funny thing is she feels she can text me to let me know that I am not spending a lot of time with the kids. I don't respond, but I don't really listen to her either. She's mean and hateful even now. <sigh> Goes out of her way to say mean things and to be harsh towards me. Yesterday she came to me and asked if I had plans for memorial day. I told her I'd check the calendar and get back. But I thought about it and came back to her later and said I'd re-do my plans and she could do what she wants, the kids and I would find something to do. She told me that she wanted to take the kids away for the holiday. I flat out said no. She took them for Easter and I was going to take them for this holiday. She was still angry and said we'd work it out. I'm ok with that as long as we work it out so that the kids hang out with me. Truthfully, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds. They can do what they like and I'll agree to their choice. But I realized that I have given everything. Really. I have nothing left to give to the monster. I have to save it for the kids. And I do. I also realize I do NOT want to get the kids into a tug of war over any of this. I'll let go before I'll do that to be sure I don't hurt them or put them in a situation that will hurt them. I'll just have to let them know what I want and that I'll go with their decision on many things. I don't want them to think I don't care. </vent>
More later.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
She came home from the beach with my son after an overnight. Good side is that they went alone. That's new for her since during all of this she has not been alone with the kids for more than a few hours. I've been gone quite a bit and the funny thing is she feels she can text me to let me know that I am not spending a lot of time with the kids. I don't respond, but I don't really listen to her either. She's mean and hateful even now. <sigh> Goes out of her way to say mean things and to be harsh towards me. Yesterday she came to me and asked if I had plans for memorial day. I told her I'd check the calendar and get back. But I thought about it and came back to her later and said I'd re-do my plans and she could do what she wants, the kids and I would find something to do. She told me that she wanted to take the kids away for the holiday. I flat out said no. She took them for Easter and I was going to take them for this holiday. She was still angry and said we'd work it out. I'm ok with that as long as we work it out so that the kids hang out with me. Truthfully, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds. They can do what they like and I'll agree to their choice. But I realized that I have given everything. Really. I have nothing left to give to the monster. I have to save it for the kids. And I do. I also realize I do NOT want to get the kids into a tug of war over any of this. I'll let go before I'll do that to be sure I don't hurt them or put them in a situation that will hurt them. I'll just have to let them know what I want and that I'll go with their decision on many things. I don't want them to think I don't care. 