H came to practice last night. I stayed away from him until my mother suggested that I let him know that she was there to watch my kids while I played volleyball after S12's practice. (H complained to his fam that my mother is always in my business many times--not true.) To avoid H thinking bad of her, I told H why she was there. H got mad saying our kids are his 1st b4 my mother's. (I immediately thought "umh, then why is she the one providing gas and grocery money?" but kept it to myself. I explained that I don't assume anything where he's concerned and didn't know he'd be there so when she offered, I accepted. Besides, before he left, he didn't watch them while I played so I didn't expect that to change.
He went on starting a talk. H asked to see phone bill to defend himself. I showed him, he told me who's # it was, I apologized for assuming and not asking him. He wanted to know if I filed. Told him papers were ready for me to sign but couldn't force myself to sign yet. He mentioned using a mediator again. (for him, he says it'll make things easier and less costly. For me, I've read a little in DR about it and all I know is that it could help to save my marriage. Would think Ls would still be involved and mediator would be extra. Is that right?)
H said he decided after cut to his hand a year ago to D because I proved that I didn't care about him. (H complained back then that he needed me to do his at home therapy. Thinking back, maybe I should've but I was so busy doing EVERYTHING else I didn't see why I needed to stop what I was doing to massage his scar tissue and hand when he was already sitting watching tv. I did do it when sitting with him and lots of times, I got fussed at for doing it wrong.)
H brought up my infedelity. I used that opening to again apologize, tell him that I owned my sins, ask him if he owned his role in setting the stage for me to make those choices, and to tell him about how someone recently told me that one of those guys is about to split with his wife and that my response was that I didn't care and was not interested in ANYONE except for my H. H said "so. He won when it mattered to me." I told him that he didn't win because I cane back home to my M. H just said that he's always "felt trapped" and that I've "always been looking for someone better".
Said he felt like a loser after taking me back eight years ago and he'll never be able to forgive me so he knows that he's making the right choice and no one can change his mind. Said childhood friend kept telling him to stay so he doesn't trust her judgement now either. (yet he talks to her constantly)
How do I help him learn how to forgive? Truly forgive completely for once and for all?
