Really? I guess so OT. I can see that it come across as that I suppose.
So if I "set boundaries" and they are crossed, then what? Clearly she's intent on not respecting those boundaries. I've expressed what they are and yet I either have not the strength, conviction or balls to follow through with whatever my reaction to that should be. I guess I am following (or trying to) in my own footsteps when it comes to all that. Focus on self, detachment, GAL and "as if". Nowhere in all that were boundaries. Clearly I didn't have any in the previous sitch.
Sure, I have said I will not accept the dishonesty but then what. She's still been dishonest. Now what? I stop "normal" relations?
I know boundaries are all about ME and what I am willing to accept but they feel a lot like ultimatums to me.
GH,
Boundaries without consequences aren't boundaries at all -- they are more like "geeIwishyouwouldn'ts." Only YOU can decide what they are, but I advocate people to make it a VERY short list, one that goes to your very core beliefs. I call them "Boundaries of Personal Integrity," and they should be the few things that you simply cannot abide.
It may be "I cannot live in an open marriage," or "I cannot feel safe in a marriage where my wife isn't honest with me," or something else, but it should be the things that -- if she chooses to violate them, unrepentantly, and things go south for you, that you would say to yourself "You know, I'm horribly sad and upset that this didn't work out, but I couldn't have abided that anyway."
Does that make sense?
They feel like ultimatums to you because you're poor at setting (and enforcing boundaries), and so you nibble around the edges, and come across as accusatory, controlling and an ass. I know, because I'M THE EXACT SAME WAY. There's a difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries."
From my personal archives:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
There's a difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries." 