is my WAH in an MLC (need some experts!)?

[faithisbelieving]

Pandora...you were alone before meeting H and you were fine. Whatever happens, you will be fine again. Fear is a terrible thing and drives many here to do wrong things...hold on too long....and fail to draw boundaries.

Grey describes detachment in better detail. He talks about why this is so difficult. He explains that, over time, we become needy and dependent on our spouses. If it becomes a codependent type need, we begin to rationalize in our head that they are the only people that love us and that they are the only ones who will give us love.

Wrong.

The thought of them leaving us causes extreme fear and pain. It's time to undo pathological conditioning. H should be a preference, not a need.

That's where the grieving and detachment comes in. It is not 'giving up' per se and not filing, but, embracing the pain of the loss of what you had and then 'separating' yourself from the dependency.

I've been there. My problem initially was that I confused detachment with ignoring/not talking/cold shoulder, etc. It isn't that. One can totally communicate with a WAS and still be detached. It's a state of mind that DOES take time to get to. IMO, it's best achieved by some of the principles in Grey's book.

You'll be OK. At the risk of being overly repetitive, the worst things you can do to impede your healing and growth is:

• constantly having R talks, begging, etc
• doing things to bring about a reaction in WAS. Choose to do things now because YOU want to do them, NOT how it will affect WAS
• expecting and/or waiting for a thunderbolt to hit him in 3-5 years from whence this started and hoping he will be standing at your front door with a bouquet of flowers saying, "Honey, I'm home. I made a huge mistake".

The one single piece of advice that, IMO, is the only chance to win back your WAS is simply the most classic piece of advice given here: let go.

FIB