to be honest, i am so depressed right now. i'm feeling like no matter what is going on, the ulimate thing is that we're getting a D and it will all be over. i've known this is a possibility but it's still so hard.
Pandora..my close friend once said to me that there is no detour, no left turn or right turn, you must continue driving straight through.
Having been through this, as others here have, the best we can do is support you and let you know that we care and understand.
Try to stop talking with him about this. You cannot reason with him. You cannot change his mind. You cannot rationalize your marriage back into his acceptance and you cannot religiously legislate him back into the marriage. There are two reasons to stop doing this:
to stop applying pressure to him
to ease your pain. The more you talk, the more you hear what you don't want to hear, the more you self-inflict pain. You are only going to hear the same thing...again and again.
The quickest way to ease the pain is to detach and grieve. Keep as busy as you can. Again, I would recommend taking a look at Grey's book. It helps. Really.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
thanks FIB. what you're saying is so right. logically, it makes complete sense.
emotionally, i'm in another place. i am having all these feelings of why me? why is this all happening? why does everyone have to get hurt (his family is starting to find out and are devastated). why would God want this to happen?
i start getting overwhelmed with feelings of being alone for the rest of my life. getting lost in my own stupid pity party.
in all honesty, this is so out of character for me...i'm the one everyone looks at as "strong." the person with strong faith. the one who dealt with her son's loss with grace.
now i'm a big mess. sometimes i get angry at myself...like why am i putting so much worth on someone so worthless? then i remember how much i love him...what good we had. then i remember, this isn't about me, it's his crisis, our old M is gone. and then my mind is swirling...and i'm swirling out of control.
honestly, i want to enjoy these last few months we have together. detach, leave it to God who is in control anyways and them move on.
i DO want to do this with grace and dignity and strength...not misery, anger, and depression.
i so appreciate you all on here, you have no idea. the love and support i know i can count on...from people who have (unfortunately) gone through the same things. it really helps me so THANK you to everyone!
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
I agree with Faith - you need to let go and stop having these R convo's. Grieve...heal...you need to do this for you. It hurts no doubt but you will survive you just need to know that. There is no magic pill dear..none...you need to feel it and work thru it. Many of us are in the same sitch so do not feel like you are alone. As Faith said..keep yourself busy but also allow yourself time to cry to feel it.
You may feel hopeless..you need to fight this. You never know what the future holds but for now let go....let go.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
How are you? As True said...learn from this pain. Realize the where you may have contributed to your sitch - take the time to figure out what you really want to do. Stop...wait...heal and then GET UP! That's right - GET UP. Tha's right get up out of the pity party that we all fall into. I actually lived there for a while and what I can tell you is that nothing good will come from the pity party.
You've said you want to enjoy these last few months together...If that is what you want then IMO you will need to find some happiness that you can share with your H. Show him what he is going to miss. Don't let the feelings of despair overtake you. You can control YOUR feelings - it take work but it can be done!
I appreciate the thanks - I really do. May I ask for something? May I? We'll here goes...if you want to thank me then do the following:
DETACH, HEAL, GRIEVE and then GO ENJOY your life. Live it to fullest. Post that you are growing and learning about yourself. Post that you have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnell. That my dear is the thanks that many of us I believe look forward to.
We are here for you. You are not alone and YOU WILL MAKE IT.
Remember...faith and hope are not based on anything that you see, hear or feel!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Pandora...you were alone before meeting H and you were fine. Whatever happens, you will be fine again. Fear is a terrible thing and drives many here to do wrong things...hold on too long....and fail to draw boundaries.
Grey describes detachment in better detail. He talks about why this is so difficult. He explains that, over time, we become needy and dependent on our spouses. If it becomes a codependent type need, we begin to rationalize in our head that they are the only people that love us and that they are the only ones who will give us love.
Wrong.
The thought of them leaving us causes extreme fear and pain. It's time to undo pathological conditioning. H should be a preference, not a need.
That's where the grieving and detachment comes in. It is not 'giving up' per se and not filing, but, embracing the pain of the loss of what you had and then 'separating' yourself from the dependency.
I've been there. My problem initially was that I confused detachment with ignoring/not talking/cold shoulder, etc. It isn't that. One can totally communicate with a WAS and still be detached. It's a state of mind that DOES take time to get to. IMO, it's best achieved by some of the principles in Grey's book.
You'll be OK. At the risk of being overly repetitive, the worst things you can do to impede your healing and growth is:
constantly having R talks, begging, etc
doing things to bring about a reaction in WAS. Choose to do things now because YOU want to do them, NOT how it will affect WAS
expecting and/or waiting for a thunderbolt to hit him in 3-5 years from whence this started and hoping he will be standing at your front door with a bouquet of flowers saying, "Honey, I'm home. I made a huge mistake".
The one single piece of advice that, IMO, is the only chance to win back your WAS is simply the most classic piece of advice given here: let go.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB is spot on. I was in a codependent R with W. I was so focused on her needs/problems I got lost.
This very difficult to detach from. Your own self worth (or lack of it) is fed by this dysfunctional relationship and you get there without even realizing it.
For me I focused on trying to control the situation. For a person in MLC that is pouring gasoline on the fire.
Once I was away from her I could see how lost I had become and then I worried what would happen to her if I wasn't there to "save" her.
These are VERY powerful feelings. To be healthy for YOU and your M you have to detach as FIB said. I had to go no contact because I would attach expectation to every communication....no matter how inconsequential. I just hoped for anything from her or to know she was OK.
...that WILL make you crazy. It has become a lot easier after a while. I am not out of the woods yet.
It will be painful but it will teach you that you won't want to go back where you've been (cycle).
Once we get to the detachment we can look at our R in healthy way and realize that they are separate from us and what they do is theirs not ours and that it should not affect us. We don't need them to do or not do anything to be happy...
I still want to be married to my W and I hope that she wants to be married to me but I don't NEED her to be happy. I don't NEED my M to be happy. Everyone is different as to when they decide they don't want their M, if ever.
But if you are truly here to go through this process it is about YOU and no one else. Wanting your M is YOUR choice.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
FIB and True - spot on man! Spot on! The fear of being alone can really stump our growth. Stop us dead in our tracks. When u REALLY detach things become so much clearer.
At the end of the day IMO you finally realize that YOU control your happiness. You control how you respond.
Pandora - take your time. Take this time for YOU. Let go honey I mean really let go. You may not see it now or feel it now but YOU will make it.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
...and..what you both added above...leads us to the final portion of the detachment: that you cannot control their decision to not want us. So..by detaching...they have an opportunity to see what they are going to lose.
It's a choice...for them. NOT US. Many of us here forget or, never knew, what it is like to be loved...and respected..and cherished. So, I post here one of my favorite scenes from the movie The Family Man to remind everyone what marriage can be like..what it IS like for some:
Quote:
Kate: When you got on that plane, I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid I'd never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day. That was a good surprise. You know, I think about the decision you made... maybe I was being naive, but I believed that we would grow old together in this house. That we'd spend holidays here and have our grandchildren come visit us here. I had this image of us, all grey and wrinkly, and me working in the garden and you re-painting the deck. But things change. If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go. I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me than our address. I choose us.
"I choose us."
God bless. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
