how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

had a bit of a rough night last night...i was supposed to meet up with friends, but i cancelled and lied about why. i stayed home and read, watched mad men until 2am, and gorged myself on old notes and letters from my H that i keep in a box under the bed. i went to sleep with an ice pack on my face, my eyelids were so swollen.

bad choice, i know. backsliding, i know. i've just felt so numb to what's going on around me lately, that it actually felt GOOD to feel SOMETHING, even though it was pain.

i thought a lot about my H and about our M. i've come to the conclusion that this really isn't about me at all...it's about him. it's always been about him. my H isn't a bad person, and i know he never set out to break my heart this way...but he's never really been fully present in our M. for the last 5 years, i've sat across the table from him, and i would look at him and think, who is this stranger, who is this person, and feel like i didn't know the first thing about him. as well as you know someone, sometimes you don't know them at all. i think my H's intentions were good (although they say the road to hell...), and i think that at the beginning, my H thought he was capable of being in a solid, happy M. what both of us forgot was that my H is not one who likes to be tied down. the last 6 months or so, the conversations about mortages and down payments and babies, i think all that did was point out to my H that he was a glaring failure at giving me the "normal life" that i wanted.

he's always been one to cut and run when things got too complicated...i've mentioned before on this thread that this is the 4th time we've broken up in 5 years together, all initiated by him. every time, he'd come running back. not this time. perhaps this time he's realized what i've always seen and never wanted to admit: that while he loves me, that love also weighs him down and forces him to admit failure, time and time again. and not just failure with our M. failure with his businesses, failure with his jobs...failure with him living up to who i wanted him to be. this isn't about the fact that i nagged him to quit smoking or that we would fight about money from time to time, or that he left his dirty socks on the floor one too many times.

we got down to the wire, to the BIG QUESTION of starting a family, and i think he saw that as the final failure, the final way to disappoint me and let me down. i think he saw the finality of having children and came to his senses about who he is. the sh*tty thing is that he used ME as the scapegoat, trying to justify all this by saying that we just couldn't work things out, we just weren't meant to be together, i needed too much from him, he couldn't be the person i needed/wanted him to be...but i think he is just scared out of his mind to take on the responsibility of being someone's father and being fully, completely, utterly accountable for a life outside of his own.

for years i've felt like my H kept me at arm's length. i was close enough to feel close, but not so close that i could see his cards. he never fully surrendered to loving me because that kind of love scares him...because he's never had it. he told me over and over that he tried so hard to make things work, to make me happy, but it was always on the surface and never what i really wanted. sure, the movies and the day trips on the bike were nice, the dinners at home, the flowers...but what i always wanted was a H who was fully present for me. who would linger in bed with me on saturday mornings instead of jumping out of bed to get to his office. who would lay in the grass in the shade with me on a blanket, and just read or enjoy a quiet picnic lunch...instead of someone who insisted that he hated grass and couldn't be bothered to put his iphone down.

i know this is long and probably boring to most everyone but me, but it's nice to get it out on "paper" after milling it around in my head all night. my H has been telling me since january that i may not see it now, and it may hurt now, but that this will be best for both of us in the long run. that it's best that we split now before we have children and property to argue over. i guess i should be grateful that he's finally come to terms with who he is and who he's not, and what he's capable of giving me. it saddens me, though, to know that he may go through life never fully surrendering to that kind of love, never fully letting another person posses his heart, or understand his soul as they do their own. it's silly but i was watching mad men last night until the wee hours of the morning and i so often see things in the main character, don draper, that i see in my H. and in the episode i saw last night, someone said to him, the only thing stopping you from being happy is the feeling that you're alone (despite him having a beautiful, loving wife and doting children and a successful career and the admiration of his peers and colleagues). and he said, but what if i am? i have to wonder if my H feels that way...that even when he's with other people, he is alone in all of this. i get that sense from him and it breaks my heart.

it helps curb the anger and the "how could you's" when i look at it this way and when i see his suffering instead of my own. i miss him every minute of every day...my heart breaks for him time and time again. he told me not long ago that he wished he could be "normal" and just live life the way everyone else seemed content to do. but that's not who he is, and i can't be mad about that and the greatest way for me to love him and honor who he is is to let go with both hands and let him fly away.