Bobbi, Mish, Kat, Michelle.. thankyou, it was a special moment. Wholeagain, I'm glad if it helps you at all.

So.. we saw Helen last night. AGAIN! I found it very hard, she was at band night with a gf, sat near to us. She stalked past our table several times, swinging her hips, swishing her hair. BF ignored her (out of respect for me he said). I felt she was like last time, very aware of bf, watching us, being vivacious and smiling alot and sashaying about.. "look at how well I am doing, F-you, look at what you are missing".

I didnt make a drama, or mention it. Still, Cher turned to me unprompted and said, dont worry, she is just trying to get a reaction but bf isnt going to give her one... so my instincts were right. BF was very reassuring as always, said, its you I want to be with and marry, I ended it with her because I knew I wanted to be with you. For some reason that made me only feel more nervous !

I found it hard because... she is attractive. I spoke to him about it and he got upset, said "you are doubting me".. I said I wasnt doubting HIM, I was doubting MYSELF. I find the fact that she was being so confident, vivacious and clearly affected by his presence after nearly a year apart, quite intimidating. Also, it made me nervous she was out again where we were, almost as though she knew.. he said she emailed him occassionally, purely about work and she might put "Good morning" etc (but I already knew this) but NO he had no idea she would be there, and was most insistent and I believe him, of course.

He really didnt see that there was any issue and spent a long time kissing and reassuring me and telling me how beautiful and funny and smart etc etc I was. Its not his fault, or her fault, this is my issue, a residue of insecurity after he led me up the garden path 2008 to turn around and dump me almost, a 2nd time for her..

I explained this to him, that he made a stark choice.. her instead of getting back with me and I asked him again.. WHY? He thought hard and said... because, I felt we had broken up and therefore we had broken up for a reason.. so... (I guess she was just someone new, someone not me). He said its stupid looking back as I clearly wanted to be with you all along, I just made very poor decisions and thats because I cant stress how mental I felt during that time.

I said she seemed like a nightmare (loud) he agreed she was loud, but it wasnt fair to say she was a nightmare.. but she could be.. volatile.

To me she looked edgy, confident, pretty, bigger boobs, brunette and... high maintenance. All my insecurities about age and my boyish figure and my crap hair came to the surface.

But... she has no power over me or us and we were fine last night.. absolutely fine.