Indeed. That's JUST the quote I needed today. I am REALLY struggling today with the DB take on things. I need to take OT's advice and re-read some things I think. It's like the dark side has control over me and I can't break free from the exact "knee jerk" response patterns you spoke of. I freaking HATE it, and it keeps happening. I am playing the victim role over and over again and it's getting old. Suppose it's up to me to stop that. I am stuck in the classic thought pattern of "It's not fair that I should have to do all this work on me while she just goes on doing whatever it is she's doing without regard to how it may affect me, etc, etc, etc." How many hundreds of times did I read that from others and advise against allowing it to dominate their thought processes. It's just so hard to follow my own advice.
UPDATE: She went out again last night. She stayed in touch all night via text but didn't really provide details of where she went as usual. She said she was with her "group" again. Once again, I had a mini-meltdown about the whole sitch before she went out. It's my pattern. The same old stupid (in my opinion) trying to talk her into realizing why things suck so much because of her behavior. Not helpful at all yet I keep doing it. Square one keeps appearing under my feet every time I do that I think.
The main thing I railed about was her not wearing her wedding ring lately. It would be so much easier to DB/not get upset if she'd just admit to not wanting to wear them but she doesn't. She claims she forgets. BS. She remembers to wear other jewelery. I even went so far as to put her rings with the other jewelery yesterday so she would not "forget" and somehow they didn't make it onto her finger. I called her on it and she once again dismissed my concern about it.
Last night when she was getting ready to leave, I brought the rings to her, and she rolled her eyes but made a show of wearing them... until she got home later... and they were off again.
I think this is all actually made worse by the fact that I've been here before. Not because it necessarily brings up bad old memories/feelings but because I spent SO long working to understand myself, and yes, observing my W in an affair, that I have very strong opinions about what's what. I know all these signs point to another affair but so many other things shout that it's not, or at least not the same as last time.
The single most confusing thing is her continuing affection towards me, our increased SL and overall "normalcy" in our marriage other than the specific issues surrounding these nights out. If it were not for the rings issue, I would say she may be 100% right in that most of this is my paranoia (justified I think). But it's that issue, and the dishonesty (getting a little better in that dept) that keep me from thinking that I am just paranoid.
Also playing into things is the fact that I THINK I know my W enough to know that she's just not that good a liar or politician. She tends to be really bad at political situations and I can't fathom that she's been able to maintain a unwavering denial/dismissal of my concerns over the sitch if it's a total lie. She's NEVER been able to do something like that for more than a day or so, let alone months. I know a lot of people say their spouse becomes someone they don't know in these sitches, but the fact is that I know my W both in and out of this kind of sitch (from the previous A) and she's not fitting the profile. She IS still the same woman in every aspect of our lives other than this going out a night or two a week. Anytime she's not is when I bring up R stuff, or get upset about things. So while it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and all that, I'm looking at a dove and my eyes are convincing me that at least I need to consider the possibility that it's not a duck.
So here I sit, fully realizing that IF I can really DB, work on myself and control those knee jerk reactions, my marriage would look and feel good (no, I am not so stupid or in denial to think that the concerns/sitch would just go away). Basically, if I just stop trying to control THAT situation, things would likely be "fine" or better between W and I. Though every time I think about that, and try to imagine a scenario where there really is NO affair (or not a PA at least), or at least a scenario where I drop all pretense of control, I can't help but get terrified of the end of the rainbow being a pot of humiliation. I can't help imagining that I am being played expertly and in the end, everything will pan out to be worse case scenario. PA, D, etc. I feel like everyone else here going through a possible, or confirmed spouse in an affair, like I am LETTING it happen and thus somehow responsible for it progressing, etc. Funny since I am one of the few who actually was able to DB through an affair and exactly what was supposed to happen, the affair ending and my changes helping repair the marriage, DID happen. Wonder why I can't seem to realize that path is the one for me and DO what I need to do. I DO believe that it would work again but it's the damn fear ruling me now.
I guess in typing that, I realize that while I can set some boundaries, in the end, I fully believe that what will be, will be. My attempt to CONTROL anything other than myself may only make things worse I suppose.
My next step will be to go back and read some more DB. I need to get back to my roots and re-learn how to exhibit some self control before I manage to just muddy the waters so much that neither my W or I can see the point in swimming anymore.
