I hope you enjoyed that scotch. My attempt to get some very much needed ZZZZ's was foiled. I woke up at 4:30am. UGHHHH. And the cycle of exhaustion continues!! ...and you may want to get another scotch..this may be long as well.

I have been urging my H to start the D process. He is going to do the paperwork himself. He just refuses to do so right now. He says we have other things going on..getting our finances in order, him finding a place to live, etc etc. I know it may appear that I am running...and maybe I am...but I think I probably should be. I have been dealing with this for almost a year now- May 22 was D-day #1. I am just tired of all this cr*p. I want it to be over.

My IC said the following to me last night...she knew once she met my H and spoke to him for the first time...she already picked up on his narcissistic qualities. She apologized to him for the office she was using (she has two offices..and the one we went to was very small). IC said she knew she was being judged on that. She was absolutely right. My H did comment on the office...said "are we going back into the closet"..."how JV" etc.

IC told me that NPD is a very difficult thing to treat. People suffering from NPD are so fragile. She said that my H is empty inside which doesn't allow him to be deeply connected to anyone or anything. I believe this to be true. My H was never very affectionate. If he was upset about something...and I put my hand on his hand or something...he would just hit my hand away. He would get offended and angry over everything.

I was cleaning out emails from 2002- the same sh*t was going on back then. There was an email where my H was angry at me because we were at a friends house..and I poured my friend's H a glass of wine before him. He didn't speak to me for 3 days. Just ridiculous. What I need to explore in IC is how I let this happen...and happen for so long.

My IC said that my H had the A with someone that was grossly inappropriate because he needed to feel like the king. He needs to have his ego inflated. I was an equal...this did not satisfy his need to feel special.

The guy I am talking to has made me realize so many things. Mainly- I deserve to be treated so much better than I have been treated. I feel like I am regaining my self worth after being put down for so long. I know all of this is so soon...but I think this R is serving a purpose for me. I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. There is life after divorce. Even if this R doesn't work out...I know that I am lovable, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, funny enough to meet someone that will love and respect me. My H made me question all of these things about myself by constantly criticizing and putting me down...and by choosing to break his vows and be with another woman. Even though I am exhausted...I feel like I can breath again.