hey Grit My date was perfect. I have IC tonight but will write when I get back. I have had a bad couple of days with H. Letting him get under my skin. Super busy at work too. My new friend is terrific though. He has me laughing...in between all of this drama.
I just read your thread...and will comment later. But stop being so hard on yourself!!! You aren't in an easy situation and you are allowed to make mistakes. You are human after all. You have feelings and emotions. You cannot control them 100% of the time.
It has been a long week. Work has been crazy for me. A coworker of mine went out on disability so I am doing two jobs now...which I don't mind at all but I am EXHAUSTED.
My refinance is in process..I should be getting a call for the appraisal within the next day or so. Things are moving along.
H contacted me on Sunday but I didn't respond. I emailed him yesterday because I got a bill in the mail for him that was overdue. That started a long chain of emails back and forth. H won't accept the appraisal if it is lower than what he wants. He doesn't understand that the appraisal is what it is. It doesn't matter what the house will be worth in two years from now. I am not going to pay him more for the house than what it is worth. It is just so frustrating dealing with him...escape is so very tempting.
H called last night and was five minutes from my house and wanted to drop off some stuff. I told him I was leaving and he wanted me to wait. I didnt want to wait..he told me to wait...I gave in. I soooo didn't want to see him. I feel totally nothing for him right now. He was baiting me...I remained completely unemotional and detached. He baited me some more. I never gave in. He talks in circles about the house and splitting stuff and the appraisal. It drives me crazy.
I feel NOTHING for him right now. After going to IC tonight..I feel a little bit better. My H was/is a narcissist. My IC- who met him several times...feels strongly about this. I am so relieved to be out of this situation..well at least one foot is out the door.
The new guy I met is terrific. He is 7 years older than I am..not as handsome as some of my past relationships..but I absolutely adore him and don't care one bit. He has me in tears laughing all of the time. He treats me like I am the best thing in the world. He has made me realize what I have been missing for so long.
I don't know what is going to happen with this but I am enjoying every moment of it. He is taking me to a horse show this Saturday and I am really looking forward to it.
I will write more tomorrow..I won't be such a stranger...I just feel like I could sleep for 20 years. I don't know if everything has finally caught up to me..but I am just out of steam. My IC even commented on how exhausted I look. I need z's in a bad way. More tomorrow.
I hope you enjoyed that scotch. My attempt to get some very much needed ZZZZ's was foiled. I woke up at 4:30am. UGHHHH. And the cycle of exhaustion continues!! ...and you may want to get another scotch..this may be long as well.
I have been urging my H to start the D process. He is going to do the paperwork himself. He just refuses to do so right now. He says we have other things going on..getting our finances in order, him finding a place to live, etc etc. I know it may appear that I am running...and maybe I am...but I think I probably should be. I have been dealing with this for almost a year now- May 22 was D-day #1. I am just tired of all this cr*p. I want it to be over.
My IC said the following to me last night...she knew once she met my H and spoke to him for the first time...she already picked up on his narcissistic qualities. She apologized to him for the office she was using (she has two offices..and the one we went to was very small). IC said she knew she was being judged on that. She was absolutely right. My H did comment on the office...said "are we going back into the closet"..."how JV" etc.
IC told me that NPD is a very difficult thing to treat. People suffering from NPD are so fragile. She said that my H is empty inside which doesn't allow him to be deeply connected to anyone or anything. I believe this to be true. My H was never very affectionate. If he was upset about something...and I put my hand on his hand or something...he would just hit my hand away. He would get offended and angry over everything.
I was cleaning out emails from 2002- the same sh*t was going on back then. There was an email where my H was angry at me because we were at a friends house..and I poured my friend's H a glass of wine before him. He didn't speak to me for 3 days. Just ridiculous. What I need to explore in IC is how I let this happen...and happen for so long.
My IC said that my H had the A with someone that was grossly inappropriate because he needed to feel like the king. He needs to have his ego inflated. I was an equal...this did not satisfy his need to feel special.
The guy I am talking to has made me realize so many things. Mainly- I deserve to be treated so much better than I have been treated. I feel like I am regaining my self worth after being put down for so long. I know all of this is so soon...but I think this R is serving a purpose for me. I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. There is life after divorce. Even if this R doesn't work out...I know that I am lovable, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, funny enough to meet someone that will love and respect me. My H made me question all of these things about myself by constantly criticizing and putting me down...and by choosing to break his vows and be with another woman. Even though I am exhausted...I feel like I can breath again.
What I need to explore in IC is how I let this happen...and happen for so long.
YES! This is what I was talking about way up thread when I was telling you to detach and work on YOU. When you do you will see how dysfuntional this all is and YOUR part in it. This is not all about H.
Originally Posted By: lolawar
I feel like I am regaining my self worth after being put down for so long. I know all of this is so soon...but I think this R is serving a purpose for me. I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. There is life after divorce.
Yes there is and this is good. I really think you are making the right choice here for you . This M is toxic and you have had such courage to endure what you have endured so far.
Now you have to let the stages of loss happen and work through them and don't skip steps. Make sure you do the work so you don't carry this stuff forward.
I really think these boards are helpful with whatever stage you are in. Maybe time for a new thread?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks TG I just posted over in Surviving the Big D!! It looks like you are getting alot of good advice in MLC. I want to hear more about this woman you met over the weekend????!!!!!!
