The only way you messed up was not being dark, other than that I am sure YOU were not at fault
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H and I had a huge fight. I need the strength to go dark again. My habit is to "convince, explain, defend". When he won't listen. Help me stay dark, folks.
Read over your thread and look at it from a distance. Maybe it is easier for me to see. You are dark, things go well, you open up to your H and you get in a fight. It is a pattern you have been following for a while.
Now if you add in to this that your H is in the mix with a MLC, you should start to see why you have to stay Dark. To protect yourself and to let your H heal so that anytime you speak, it is not part of the problem.
You can stay dark, to protect yourself, your M and to help your H have his "space".
Well in MC he was complaining about wasting time not talking about the "big issues" then he doesn't bring any up. SO when I brought one up, bam, big explosion.
THe verbal abuse is back. The accusations, the name calling, making fun of me, calling me a liar, it's all back. I thought I made the right decision to speak my truth since we have avoided talking about the "big issues" in our M for the past year. I thought he wanted to hear them in MC. No I regret. I'm glad I spoke my truth and saw that here is a man who cannot have compassion, only criticism and self pity. Now I can see it clearer and feel better about dark as a place to protect myself.
All the progress we've made interms of him being less abusive on scheduling and practical matters - out the window.
Very confused. Hurt. So back to dark.
And OP - let H heal? He's running for the hills and hiding his head in the sand. How is this healing?
And OP - let H heal? He's running for the hills and hiding his head in the sand. How is this healing?
It is a process. Yes to you it seems that is what he is doing. He must first face his problems and if he can blame them on you then he is not facing them, so no healing. He may or may not ever really heal but he must stop blaming you for his own depression. That might start the process.
My C used to tell me, angry people are scared people. Anger is not a primary emotion and 90% hides fear...
I agree with OP. If you stay away, he will have no one to blame and eventually will have to look in the mirror. It's not physics, it's not strange, it's pretty standard actually... K
It is a process. Yes to you it seems that is what he is doing. He must first face his problems and if he can blame them on you then he is not facing them, so no healing. He may or may not ever really heal but he must stop blaming you for his own depression. That might start the process.
I agree, BUT if they have an OW, won't she take your place in using someone to hide behind? To blame all their problems on? To bandaid the REAL problems?
This is what I see my XH doing.
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
I agree, BUT if they have an OW, won't she take your place in using someone to hide behind? To blame all their problems on? To bandaid the REAL problems?
This is what I see my XH doing.
If he has an OW, then MLCer can set up a simple dichotymy: OW=perfection, W=source of all evil in world. So, it's only when you take yourself out of the equation that the MLCer is forced to look at the OW and see her flaws ... and, more importantly, realize he's not found nirvana with her. THAT could be a trigger for his beginning to face his own depression and deal with his childhood issues. It's certainly a long journey, with no guarantees ... except that, the sooner you can dissociate from the drama and focus on yourself, the sooner you will find peace for yourself.
Oh, you're doing just fine. It takes any of us incredibly long to reach a state of detachment--congratulate yourself for how far you've come, anticipate reaching a place where not pursuing comes naturally, but don't beat yourself up for not getting there any faster. You will reach that goal in the time you need.
I broke my darkness, must go back to it. Help keep me on track people!
Hope, going dark is basic self care for you right now. You've proven to yourself over and over again that when you engage with H it results in verbal abuse. Your desire to take of yourself must grow to be larger than your compulsion to fix this M. It's soooo hard to break patterns like this, and it sucks that you have to deal with his horrible behaviour. But you're making a choice to do what you believe is right for your S and you have to make sure that you're caring for yourself in the place you're in.
(((H4L))) easy to write, hard to do I know.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
