Well I certainly got my butt kicked with the trainer last night. I had a great time and will be making the gym a regular part of my life.
I must say it was refreshing to have a conversation with someone other than my h and know that I am not retarted and Do know how to talk about things.....contrary to what my h says.
It is still upsetting to me that my h is living some sort of fantasy life while I live in reality and take care of everything.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
What you said at the end I think is the hardest part especially with WASes that end up living with family. My H first lived at a house that a family friend had for sale and complained every chance he had that he had to do the yard work and make it clean for a showing, although he was living there rent free. Now he lives with his parents because the house sold and he has absolutely no responsibility. I take care of the house, S, everything.
It is very hard to not get mad when H is leaving you to do everything although he has his name on everything you are taking care of. I am wondering, has he been helping you with the bills? If he is, then good for him.
Enjoy the gym. I hope you aren't too sore.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Yes my h has not neglected me financially in any way. He has even pointed this out to me. We share bank accounts just like always and it doesn't seem to be an issue. Over the last 4-5 years I have been the one taking care of all our finances. He has complained in the past that I have all the "control" yet he makes no effort to be involved, yet he complained. This is something I wish we could do together. I am perfectly capable of doing it but would like some help. Back in dec when I brought it up he got mad and yelled "Nicole what part about me wanting a divorce don't you get"? So that didn't go so well at all.
If my h does return home, the finances would definately be a 180 for me/us to work together on so that he can feel in control some. We'll see. I just don't think at this point it is going to help at all. I think it will stress him out more than anything at this point.
Yes, there is work to be done at our house also....but he hasn't shown any initiatve to come over and help. I refuse to do yard work...I'll help but I will not be left to do it all. That is not right. Besides it might make the h feel needed more.....
How do you make a WAS feel needed? My h has made comments in the past that I don't need him for anything....so how do you make him feel needed (&loved) without being pursuing?
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
How do you make a WAS feel needed? My h has made comments in the past that I don't need him for anything....so how do you make him feel needed (&loved) without being pursuing?
It's just a thought, but if he ever says that again, you could ask him what he means by that?
Listening and not trying to convince him of anything and asking questions every once in a while that get him to open up to you might be a place to start.
Asking a question every once in a while when he brings something up isn't pursuing (I don't think). It just shows you are listening if done well.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I thought I had better add this: just because you give your H the opportunity to explain himself when he brings up R stuff, don't expect it to happen.
Often, the exact opposite can happen: something even more confusing can be said, or even worse... it is possible that your spouse may use that as an opportunity to lash out.
If it is something confusing, just try to listen. If your H. lashes out and your feelings are hurt, then don't get angry (you are talking to a confused person). It's ok to say things like "I am sorry you feel that way, and it hurts my feelings when you say you never loved me" and such. It's better than getting angry because your feelings are hurt.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Glad the gym is working out. Yes, being around normal people who want to talk to you instead of tell you a bunch of bizarre stuff will help you with PMA tremendously. And PMA helps with detachment bit by bit. Good luck to you.
Sooo spoke with a db coach yesterday morning... Then I came home at lunch and my h was at the house. It didn't go so well. He was angry and moody and wanted to come over later that evening with d papers and we could sign them. He said it was either that or he was going to have me served at work. He doesn't want a lawyer and I can have everythinghe just wants out as quickly as possible. I was not nice to him and lashed out again and brought up the ow. He lied some more about it.... I just said fine I will take everything because you are the one who is quitting. I left the house. Three hours later he was bugging me for me ss# and when he could come over. I told him to drop off the papers and I would look them over. That angered him and he said fine I'll do it my way and have you served at work.
He finally agreed to come over to the house at 8. When he showed up he sat down on the couch and took his shoes off. I sat down and saw he left the papers by the door. I got up and got the papers sat down and started going through them. He reached over and closed the folder and said "don't you want to talk" I asked him about what? We ended up talking for awhile.... He asked what I want. I told him I want him to be happy and if d will make him happy then that is what I will do. He said that he doesn't know what will make him happy and he is tired of everything.
I think the word tired is his way of saying depressed. I told him I don't think he has made a fair effort at our m the last 7 months. I said a third person has been in our m for 7 months also and until that person is gone I don't think making a decision about m is right. He said the third person is gone. Now I actually believed him....I think that she found out he is still m and had not filed and that is why he was so mean and pushy yesterday in a last ditch effort to prove to her he was serious. I don't know this for sure but something changed drastically in him. The sad lost h was at our h last night and that is the most normal I have seen him in a long time.
The h also told me he had a nightmare the other morning with his dad in it (his dad died 3years ago). He woke up at 4:30 am from the dream and heard his phone alert a new email.,. The email was from his dad. This really freaked him out he looked like he was going to cry.... His dads email was closed so how did that happen....
The night was long and he fell asleep on the couch... I don't know if we are getting d because neither of us signed the papers. To be continued I guess.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
If he does this again, try not to lash out (hard I know), but try to stay calm and do like you said at the end. Ask him to leave the papers at the house so you can look over them or have you be served at work, but you would like to look over them alone before signing anything. I also recommend a L looking at them too. Try to stay calm and validate. Let him know that you understand he is upset and that you don't want to make a decision based on emotion and that you need the time to become calm, look over the papers, and sign if he still feels that will make him happy.
I am glad you got to talk, but remember you don't want him to come back without getting some help whether it is MC at first, then IC, but he needs to get help and your marriage needs help so make sure you let him know that coming home means going to counseling.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
