I don't know where the anger is, Gardener. I think that's up to my IC and me to figure out.
Wow--all the way to AZ? X is more popular than I thought!
You are right, Gardener. It's not humilation. It just feels that way.
And my friends probably don't know that I get the news a day late. (joke intended). And they aren't going to call me up and say: gee, how about that story about your X!!
I think it is more that work now officially knows. Everybody knows.
Sorry, I am just a LBS, and I take on the guilt and humiliation of the A, and of being "left." having been made redundant. Having been replaced by a younger model.
I'm several drinks in. Will try to lie down and sleep. dishtowel in hand.
Sorry, I am just a LBS, and I take on the guilt and humiliation of the A, and of being "left." having been made redundant. Having been replaced by a younger model.
It is all in your perception of your sitch. This is what you carry in your aura that people "see".
Let's spin it another way. Try: X went off the deep end and made some really bad decisions and choices that will eventually end in misery for him.
Would your sitch be any different if he chose cocaine over a relationship with you? It would have been really sad, but nothing you could have done to save him. You can hold your head high.
Also, I wrote a profile for Match . com which transferred to Chemistry . com. I didn't pay (Although I hear it will be free for this weekend) to subscribe b/c I am not ready to date yet. BUT the responses, the type of men out there, all confirmed that there will be a life for me w/o WAH. It was a big self-esteem builder. I know you already know that. Just sayin'.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Who knows if his decisions will end in misery? He may truly have found someone he could love with all his heart, and she may love him with all her heart, as I could not.
I do believe in karma, so there will be some payback for how he handled the end of our R, but that is up to time and the universe. (not to say that I'm not waiting! hoping! to see some horrible comeuppance!! I am in no way shape or form at the forgiveness stage yet!)
It's the hindsight that hurts so much, WN. Remembering all the moments, opportunities to say what I really felt, how I really loved him.
X withdrew his half of the $ from the joint account. I just changed the insurance to come out of my account.
Have to do the same with the mortgage and line of credit.
Then...I will close the joint account. It will be painful. It is painful.
But that will be one more step done.
I feel like a solider under siege: just grimly taking care of each nasty chore, marching on, doing what has to be done. The mechanical tasks of taking apart an emotional thing.
And because of this darn THERAPY thing and working on feeling my FEELINGS thing, I can't go into usual "Aver protective block out all feelings" mode. I have to FEEL all this crap.
Yes, You have to feel the feelings rather than bury and hang on to them.
Some therapists suggest feeling the feelings as they come, recognizing what brought them on and how your body reacts to them, and then letting them flow by.
I do not have time for that through out my day, so I set aside time to mourn and do this. It is so dang exhausting!!
(Over on the exposure thread we were discussing punishment for OW/OM. check it out for a chuckle!)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Just tried to change the line of credit to be auto-deducted from my account instead of the joint.
The bank had to verify everything, of course, that I was me. But we came to a stop when the "collateral" (house) address didn't match the "mailing" address.
The guy couldn't TELL me the mailing address (otherwise how would he verify I should have this info?) so I had to choke out: is it YY address in YY town? (I should have asked why he hadn't seen it in the paper!!!)
Turns out, yesterday X changed his mailing address for his checking account and in so doing, ALL the accounts that had his name on it changed their mailing address, too.
It's no big deal--it just means the next statement would go to him--and the loan will be closed by the time the next statement would go out.
It just sucked, is all. Having a bank guy raise his eyebrows because LBS doesn't know that WAH changes the mailing address for the accounts...
OK, OK, soldier on. The feelings are there, but I can't give in to them at work! So later, later.
Is is easier to drag it out, day after day? Are you done with all these details? Is there more? Wish I could help..... I haven't even thought about separating/untangling our names from stuff yet. However, it did occur to me tonite that I will be free to go and do whatever I want! Don't know what i want b/c I like my life as it was. I could move to Boulder and get out of the summer heat! I get this on my thread... Think of the possibilities!
Hope the rest of your day went well.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
(((Aver))) Hugs & I hope you are holding your head high & feeling fabulous b/c you are!
I know, I know the feelings of regret over comments made, things I did, I don't know if I shared before but 1 mo. before the bomb, Valentines day to be exact! - is when I noticed H acting really weird. I knew something was wrong, did the "trying to talk" etc. And he made a comment that rocked my world - "Are you really happy?"
So I guess I had my 1 mo. warning. I was freaking out on the inside but didnt' know how to deal w it. So I worried a lot & tried to talk myself into "all is fine". I sat down & tried to talk but he said, "I think I better not say anything right now". Hardly comforting. Wish I had run to the nearest MC then. Or found this site!! But I have a bit of a problem w denial & confrontation myself. Bad combo.
So I have done & still do a lot of self kicking, hitting & loads of regret. But I've realized - and w lots of help from this board - he was unhappy a looonnnng time before that. I doubt anything I could have done btwn Feb. 14 & Mar. 14 would have brought him around. My guess is EA/PA was in full swing for some time by then. I have to say, though I know this won't comfort you, at least your X had the respect to admit what he did to you. I dont' think H ever will. I really think he didn't want his family (or parents) to know. Who knows? But I know that doesn't help your pain.
Re: the comments by X regarding how OW acts - blather. Pure crap. Put it out of your mind Aver! Listen - we can NEVER know (but can drive ourselves nuts guessing) what it was that tipped the scale to A. I don't care what anyone says, there is NO excuse for an A in a M or long term committed R. None. You continue to believe you pushed X into it. Like your X, H NEVER, never talked about being unhappy. The worst part of purging/cleaning this house is finding all the old anniversary cards & notes from flowers (yes I'm a packrat ) with his loving notes.
Wish I had been here for you on Wed. when the story broke. But Gardener is right! NOT the whole story. I'm sure by now (I hope) you RL friends have rushed to your support!
You are greiving & feeling your feelings & it really sucks I know. But better to do know than have issues in a year or 2! It's a trauma, & we have to work through this so we don't have PTS syndrome.
Aver I hope you stop beating yourself up soon over X. Please stop!
So other OW is/does this or that. (So X says!) Who knows if that's true? How do you really know why he's with her? Maybe it's b/c she's independently wealthy! X could be saying those things to spite you, who knows??
IMO, You're letting your imagination run away w you!
Personally, she sounds like a pill to me. What is she, a Stepford Wife? Cooks for X, that's her life? Uggghh. If that's what he really wants then I say good riddance to him! Really, Aver, if he's liking this little throw-back to the 50's, do you really want to be with him? And how do you know the clinging vine act won't start to get old w him? After all, 23 years w a strong, funny independent awesome woman, sounds like a rebound w the polar opposite to me.
Just my 2 cents but I REALLY want you to stop idealizing this sorry OW!! And their so-called R. Please try.
OK, I will move to your later posts - just had to get that out! (((Aver))).
I guess it's no worse than what Elin Woods, Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards and Mrs. Governor "I was hiking the long trail but really with my Argentinian lover" are going thru.
christ, while all the governor crap was in the news, X was having his affair. And all of us saying, "my god what a terrible thing to do!"
And good old Aver, what did she say about that governor, more than once? Aver said" well, sometimes it IS true love. Sometimes you do meet your soulmate"
Guess I forgot to add the caveat-end it with your wife, first. Guess I handed X his "it's OK to walk" papers. Practically assured him that I understood that true love soulmate thing TOTALLY makes it OK to cheat and walk out.
I repeat - NO excuse! Please read my last post! So NOT an excuse!!
And I admire each one of those women who prove fame, money & beauty do not guarantee a faithful mate!
) with his loving notes.