Depressed H wants to walk

[Forrest Gump]

"I have not been putting his needs ahead of mine."

This is the first step to building something healthier. Why would you do this? What do you gain from it?

Most Women are a mix of the LL's. But there is usually one that trumps them all. From what I can see from what you wrote.. you are split down the middle of Acts/Gifts.

So.. what has not worked?

#1.. Putting his needs ahead of yours.

#2.. Controlling the situation.

#3.. You are not yourself ("He keeps telling me that he just wants me to be myself.")

These are the things you need to look at how to change.

Leaving your H and Kids out.. what makes you happy?

"I did the quick online assessment of the LL. Guess I would need to buy that book to understand it better. I am getting quite a secret library."

Remember too much of a good thing can be bad. It is great to be informed.. just make 100% sure you know how to use it correctly.

"If I make him suspicious, he could probably find all of this and I wouldn't even know how."

I don't think you have said anything that would be offensive. He may not like you "discussing" some things but I can't think of anything that you have done wrong. Of course given the chance.. he might make you feel you did.

"I am trying to post more often. It's just very difficult when H is home."

Don't forget library's have computers connected to the internet. Depending where you live there could be computer coffee shops. There is always a laptop and Starbucks... or heck even McDonalds has Wi-Fi now.

"I am so afraid to do something wrong and drive him further away that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just be myself. I am still freaking out inside. If I did just let go and do what I feel like doing I would crawl into bed with a pile of mystery novels and not come out for a few weeks. This analyzing all that I say and do, and all that H says and does, and acting happy, and keeping the kids going as smoothly as possible, and being productive at work all day.....it's draining every drop of energy I can muster."

There is not really anything you can "do" to change this dramatically.. for the better or the worse. The only thing you can "do" is get your head on straight. We become our own worst enemy when we are like this. I can't be more clear when I say.. The quicker you can remove your mind from this situation.. the faster you will see results.

I am still pondering your posts.. I know I have not really said much to help. I am still "spinning" it in my mind. You are the 1st poster in a long time that I have really had to think about what to say. Still is not clear to me why. Honestly.. I feel your "Crazyness".. so much so it makes it hard for me to post sometimes. Confusing!

Try and relax some. Even if he does leave.. it is not the end of the world. Even though it may feel like it.