Nothing wrong with hope, Tattoo. It's what keeps us going. I'm just trying to make sure you address LEGITIMATE issues, and not "fogged-out, re-writing of marital history" ones which is often what you get at this "I'm done" stage with a WAW.
from my own archives:
Why I’m so Focused on Determining of There’s an Affair Going On:
This is precisely why I'm so "hung up on" whether or not there is an affair going on when I advise people. Because if there IS, you're going to get FALSE SIGNALS in terms of what he says he wants, whether or not he likes/loves what you're doing in terms of meeting his needs, speaking his love language(s), etc. DBing is all about "doing what works," but in this case (infidelity), you're trying to judge things based on SMOKE and FOG and DECEIT.
I advise people to aggressively determine -- and then bust-up, if there is one -- whether or not there's an affair going on, while SIMULTANEOUSLY adjusting their own behavior ("be the better option"/"shine a light back towards the marriage") -- but -- and THIS IS IMPORTANT -- to make your self-improvements based on two things:
1) Your OWN self-analysis and introspection about what you legitimately feel are your shortcomings, and what you need to work on, to be a better partner for this person, or -- if it doesn't work out -- someone else down the road; and
2) Your spouse's pre-affair marital complaints. Too many people take their spouse's CURRENT complaints as their input for self-improvement, and it's almost always just fogged-out re-writing of marital history bullchit. One example of this would be backing off on anything that their wayward spouse characterizes as being "controlling," when, in fact, you've actually been more passive/supplicating/doormattish, if anything, in the marriage.[/b]
I hope that helps. It all starts with verifying the truth of what's REALLY going on.
Puppy
Even if there's no OM at this point, a WAW's state of mind is still pretty similar to a wayward wife's when it comes to marital complaints, in my experience.
