Depressed H wants to walk

[ReelingW/aSmile]

FG,

• "What concerns me about this is that you are not "venting"."
  
  I have only really been venting in my journal. I know this is annon. but it is still hard for me to let out the most hurtful things. I have a H that I love dearly and there are no longer any kisses, ILY, hugs, no ML for a few months. The idea that there could be OW is eating me up. I am severely allergic to cigarette smoke and now H has taken up that wonderful habit. (hiding it from the kids though)
  
  
  

"Why do you assume you are the one that was victimized? <-- I have some red flags going off in my mind right now."

I don't understand this. Can you explain a little more?

• "Are you doing this to regain control.. or do you want to make a change?"
  
  I want to make a change so that I can regain control. I think you mean, regain control of H. That is not what I mean.
  
  

"The fact that you are posting "here" but really don't have any problems yet. He said he was gonna leave.. but he has not. He tells you he does not love you.. but he still is with you. What happens when he wakes up tomorrow and does move out? How will you react?"

I certainly don't feel like someone who doesn't have any problems yet. I have lost my BFF and am being threatened with losing my H. I do understand that my sitch is not to the point of many of the others i have read. My hope is that I can sort some things out here with advice and avoid our M getting any further in the toilet. If he moves out tomorrow, I will fall to pieces, no doubt. But, I will not be done working on my M. I believe that I took vows forever. I can't imagine giving up.

• As far as the depression in H:
  He has been diagnosed and is on an SSRI. He was suicidal, it was awful! As soon as I figured out how he was feeling I went behind his back and had a meeting with his MD. (the first thing I have ever done behind his back and he still doesn't know about it). I had to lie to H to get him to an appt, but it worked and I am thankful. Maybe this is why I don't seem so "crazy posting". As afraid as I am now for my M, I am so thankful that H has come out of that very dark and dangerous place.
  
  

about any possible OW:
I am on the fence about that being a deal breaker (remember, I took "forever" vows). I just can't imagine how I would react. I really hope I will log on here before I do anything. I believe that forgiveness is a very powerful gift. I would hope that if we ever could get through something like an A, and see the other side, that I could give that gift. I fear I am not that strong. But, my kids existence would prohibit any immediate kicking out. I couldn't do something so sudden to them.

"big things coming"-this part of your post gave me nightmares last night.....

As always, thank you for taking the time to post to me.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

Flowmom,

I have been dying to read that book you recommended on improving M without talking about it. I also want to re-read DB section you suggest. I don't even remember that part from my first read, so def need to do that....I read the whole book in one night through tears the day I bought it. My H has been hanging around here the past several nights and we've been just about living at little league games. I just can't get these books out with him or my S8 around.

On a positive note, H left to go to a funeral a little while ago and came up and put one arm around me and gave me a quick peck on the forehead before he walked out the door! I almost fainted!

I really appreciate your advice about H IC days. I am going to initiate that 180 right away. I thought I was doing better by not asking him about his IC sessions, but now I see sitting in the living room waiting for him and acting eager to hear is just about the same as asking out loud. If I am not here, that would be really different.

Thank you for your support. I hope you are doing well.

[Forrest Gump]

"I have only really been venting in my journal. I know this is annon. but it is still hard for me to let out the most hurtful things."

A Journal is fine. Only advice I have on that is to make sure that you H NEVER finds it or reads it!! Not because you are hiding something.. but because it will be taken out of context. If they are your thoughts.. it is fine. Make sure the journal is secure.

DB.com is not a "great" place to vent as it is "public". So with that in mind you need to protect your username "here". If you have any doubts about what I am telling you.. just search your username. The thing DB.com does offer is the different perspective you may get from "someone" thru your "venting". This to me is one of the most important things you will ever find. As long as you separate you from your username you will be fine. Never post your real "info" unless you want people to know who you are. I gave you all this info.. simply because I feel like I am missing something. I need you to talk to me.

"I have a H that I love dearly and there are no longer any kisses, ILY, hugs, no ML for a few months."

This is just normal.. par for the course. Do you know what you Love Language is?

What would you guess your H is?

If you don't know how to define "LL" just search it up on Google.

"The idea that there could be OW is eating me up."

We will get back to this. Just follow along.

"I don't understand this. Can you explain a little more?"

You.. are NOT.. a victim here. The only reason you came to DB.com was to find answers on how to "fix" things. In doing just that you now subject yourself to being "looked over". Critiqued. As I have stated I am the one that is gonna "look you over". As will others..

What do you think your H would say about you? Frame your thoughts in that he is talking to his "Journal".

"I want to make a change so that I can regain control."

You said it. It was a statement.

"I think you mean, regain control of H. That is not what I mean. "

No. You just want control. Which is very normal.. and expected.

My thoughts go like this. YOU have been in control of this R for a long time. In doing so.. you have been found lacking by your H. Now.. he is looking to control the situation. From your report so far.. he has been found lacking. He used a "Emotional" response.. to make you react "Emotional". Problem is.. you were.. and still are "Emotional".

The silly thing is.. you share something in common now.

You both suck equally at explaining your thoughts and "Emotions".

Call me crazy.. but that seems like something to build on.

"I certainly don't feel like someone who doesn't have any problems yet."

Well.. what have you really lost?

"I have lost my BFF and am being threatened with losing my H."

But.. you have just been threatened. He is not gone yet. I think I read somewhere that he had a panic attack when you said you were leaving?

"If he moves out tomorrow, I will fall to pieces, no doubt."

See.. lemme say it again. I need to "see" your pieces now. Cause that is what I do. I am a pretty good "fixer".

"He has been diagnosed and is on an SSRI."

On "this" I can't help you any.

But.. some of the DB.com ideas can still help you.

I will leave it at that.

"I am on the fence about that being a deal breaker (remember, I took "forever" vows)."

I need to know if it will/won't be. I have been "here" long enough to know how to pick my battles.

"I really hope I will log on here before I do anything."

Until you say yes or no to the question.. you do just that.

"this part of your post gave me nightmares last night....."

Why? Are you scared of what is going to happen?

1 person can change things. Never be scared of what you may have to do. Get to the point where you have to choose what to do.. then you win. You don't have to control people.. in order to make that happen. 9 times out of 10.. they will come to you. You have the smarts to lead the way. You have the "Gumption" to make it happen. You just have to change and refine your ways.

"As always, thank you for taking the time to post to me."

My LL is Physical. So instead of saying it.. you are gonna have to show me.

As always, Thank you, for taking the time to listen and maybe learn something.

Now..

[ReelingW/aSmile]

I have been reading quite a bit.

My love language is pretty clear-acts of service. H's seems to be words of affirmation. We had a conversation last week about how I get all crazy anxious about getting things done. This has always bothered him. I've been thinking that I am showing love to everyone by all that I do, apparently H has (all this time) interpreted that as me implying that he does not do enough, such that I have to do so much. My giving was making him feel somehow inadequate or discounting the contributions he was/is making. The other day he did a load of laundry that was all his clothes. He thought this was really helping me out because there would be less laundry for me to do later. My first thought was how selfish it was that he only washed his stuff! Thankfully I did not verbalize that. Then I read about LL and saw that just because I think I am giving a gift by washing his clothes does not mean he feels like he is receiving a gift. He thinks he's just making more work for me and feeling terrible about it. This really does feel like speaking different languages.

I also have been reading the book that Flowmom suggesting about How to improve your M without talking about it. I am confused about how to do what it was recommending while still Dbing. This book calls for 6 hugs a day at 6 seconds each. Seems like chasing. I am still working my way though what will help me the most. I definitely know that by not having recurrent R talks the stress level has dropped considerably around here. H is working from home more/doesn't appear to need to flee. He's not on edge that I will erupt into a puddle since I'm so cheerful and trying to GAL.

My husband would probably write in a journal that I am confusing to him now. He has serious doubts about the change in me being fleeting. He keeps telling me that he just wants me to be myself. So, he's not sure who that is right now. He keeps testing me, throwing me curves and seeing how I react. He would probably say that I am 100% dependable, a great friend, good mother.... He feels that the romance is gone and he doubts it can be recreated. He seems to believe this is just an unfortunate fact that neither of us can do anything about. H has this notion that love is something that happens to you, I am more in the camp that love is a verb. H feels he has let me down and can't measure up to what I deserve.

I need to figure out how to give words of affirmation without sounding fake...any ideas?

[Forrest Gump]

"My love language is pretty clear-acts of service."

I disagree.

Here is why...

"the other day he did a load of laundry that was all his clothes."

"My first thought was how selfish it was that he only washed his stuff!"

Acts.. will respond to even the smallest Act.

"Then I read about LL and saw that just because I think I am giving a gift by washing his clothes does not mean he feels like he is receiving a gift."

You further my thinking by stating that you did "his" laundry and he did not see the "Act".

Why did you do the laundry? Because you wanted to.. or because you wanted things "done"?

"This really does feel like speaking different languages."

You said..early on you were not communicating. When people stop communicating.. they will almost always try to control the situation. To a fault.

"I need to figure out how to give words of affirmation without sounding fake...any ideas?"

Honestly.. right now.. you need to define who you are. Cause from my point of view.. you have no idea who you are. The little changes you "see" are gonna bite you. I am being nice.. and I am not sure why. But.. there is a reason. You are getting better at your posts. You are starting to show up more. You had me concerned with your long delay there.

Why do you need things to be "done" to be happy?

Would your H think you are selfish?

How is the sex?

[flowmom]

I also have been reading the book that Flowmom suggesting about How to improve your M without talking about it. I am confused about how to do what it was recommending while still Dbing. This book calls for 6 hugs a day at 6 seconds each. Seems like chasing.

I wouldn't recommend anything that looks like pursuing. The reason I recommended the book was that I hoped that it would help you to better understand the differences between how you and your H communicate, and how to avoid problems that arise from different patterns in communication between men and women.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

I don't think my H would say I am selfish, he'd probably agree with you that I have lost myself/martyred myself for the sake of productivity and organization. So, not selfish as in only thinking of self. Yet, not selfless either. I have not been putting his needs ahead of mine.

I did the quick online assessment of the LL. Guess I would need to buy that book to understand it better. I am getting quite a secret library.

No sex. It's been 2 months. I am worried our MC is going to prescribe it at our next session and I don't want H pushed into it. I don't know how that will help us.

I am so afraid to do something wrong and drive him further away that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just be myself. I am still freaking out inside. If I did just let go and do what I feel like doing I would crawl into bed with a pile of mystery novels and not come out for a few weeks. This analyzing all that I say and do, and all that H says and does, and acting happy, and keeping the kids going as smoothly as possible, and being productive at work all day.....it's draining every drop of energy I can muster.

I am trying to post more often. It's just very difficult when H is home.

My journal is very secure (not at home), it's my posting and this site that I worry about. H is a network admin and he has set up our home network. If I make him suspicious, he could probably find all of this and I wouldn't even know how. He's not suspicious now though because my e-mail and FB accounts are open to him. I don't hide things from him.

[Forrest Gump]

"I have not been putting his needs ahead of mine."

This is the first step to building something healthier. Why would you do this? What do you gain from it?

Most Women are a mix of the LL's. But there is usually one that trumps them all. From what I can see from what you wrote.. you are split down the middle of Acts/Gifts.

So.. what has not worked?

#1.. Putting his needs ahead of yours.

#2.. Controlling the situation.

#3.. You are not yourself ("He keeps telling me that he just wants me to be myself.")

These are the things you need to look at how to change.

Leaving your H and Kids out.. what makes you happy?

"I did the quick online assessment of the LL. Guess I would need to buy that book to understand it better. I am getting quite a secret library."

Remember too much of a good thing can be bad. It is great to be informed.. just make 100% sure you know how to use it correctly.

"If I make him suspicious, he could probably find all of this and I wouldn't even know how."

I don't think you have said anything that would be offensive. He may not like you "discussing" some things but I can't think of anything that you have done wrong. Of course given the chance.. he might make you feel you did.

"I am trying to post more often. It's just very difficult when H is home."

Don't forget library's have computers connected to the internet. Depending where you live there could be computer coffee shops. There is always a laptop and Starbucks... or heck even McDonalds has Wi-Fi now.

"I am so afraid to do something wrong and drive him further away that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just be myself. I am still freaking out inside. If I did just let go and do what I feel like doing I would crawl into bed with a pile of mystery novels and not come out for a few weeks. This analyzing all that I say and do, and all that H says and does, and acting happy, and keeping the kids going as smoothly as possible, and being productive at work all day.....it's draining every drop of energy I can muster."

There is not really anything you can "do" to change this dramatically.. for the better or the worse. The only thing you can "do" is get your head on straight. We become our own worst enemy when we are like this. I can't be more clear when I say.. The quicker you can remove your mind from this situation.. the faster you will see results.

I am still pondering your posts.. I know I have not really said much to help. I am still "spinning" it in my mind. You are the 1st poster in a long time that I have really had to think about what to say. Still is not clear to me why. Honestly.. I feel your "Crazyness".. so much so it makes it hard for me to post sometimes. Confusing!

Try and relax some. Even if he does leave.. it is not the end of the world. Even though it may feel like it.

[Tattoo_you]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am pretty new to this board and the idea of getting a D all together. I myself and my spouse have been dealing with depression to some degree or another. I know it is soo difficult and complicates an already complex institution like marriage. I hope you can find some faith to hold onto, lord knows I'm searching fr it everywhere.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

Thanks Tattoo. I had just read your posts before seeing you posted to me. I know how scary this is. Good luck to you!