My w and I have been married for 5 years and together for about 8. We have had good times but have struggled a bit along the way. I will admit that I have taken her love for me for granted for a long time. After quite some time of me not being responsible and attentive to her needs emotionally she told me this week she wants a divorce and can't ever trust me with her heart again. I've begged and pleaded and now from elreading your posts here I know that isn't the best idea. I told her today that I do not want a divorce and I am committed to bettering myself and hopefully show her that I am sincere and really want to save this relationship. She said she is opening a bank account next week and will start saving to move across the country where her brother lives. She has a six month contract at work so she won't leave until that Is finished. I can't waste any time because she is already talking about splitting up our things.
How do I convince her that I want her back and try and show her I can be a lving, passionate and supportive husband? Does the 180 idea work? Won't she just think I am not being an involved husband?
Please help! I'm desperate and really scared. Thanks
Have you read DivorceBusting or Divorce Remedy yet? Most of the techniques we suggest on here are going to be in the book, and it will help give our advice to you some context. Until you read it, must WILL seem very counter-intuitive (like whether or not doing "180s" will make you seem uninvolved).
Do you have any children?
What have been your wife's marital complaints? Is the "taking her love for granted" and "not being attentive to her needs" longstanding gripes of hers, communicated for the past 3-5 years, or just recent complaints after she's already been in this funk? Do YOU agree you haven't?
I haven't read the books yet but I plan on picking them up this week. We do not have any kids and I do admit that I have neglected her needs. She does have issues with control and battles with depression but she has always loved me unconditionally and I have always loved her but I was so focused on doing things I thought a good husband must do (work, be tough, sacrifice his wants for hers etc). I realize that I was very selfish and all I want is to show her that I can be an attentive and responsible husband. I think we are (or were) very co-dependent and we have always needed to be strong people on our own. I guess my hope is that over the next few months I can try to work on myself (as she has already started to) and sheay see some change in me that reminds her of what we used to have. Any help would be so appreciated.
She wants to start talking about splitting up things, selling stuff etc but she isn't planning on filing for a few months (august she said). How do I progress from here? I don't want to create more problems but I need time to start showing her I can change. Do I go along with it? I would move with her at the drop of a hat an I don't care about our material things. I just want her back.
If you don't want to D or S, then don't lift a finger to do either. Let her do the heavy lifting if this is what she wants.
Decide which things YOU think are legitimate character flaws you need to work on, be they with this woman or the next one, and begin working on those. But do them for YOU -- not to get some rise out of her (b/c she's likely not going to notice much, at best, and will be somewhere between "annoyed" and "pissed as hell" that you're just now making these changes.
Spend some time reading other folks' threads; much of the advice is transferable. There's really NOT that much difference between most of the sitches.
Thanks puppy, It's tough to keep my cool in the face of all this finality and dispair. I have been doing alot of soul searching and trying to determine if I really thnk I can be a better husband and I always come back to wanting to be that better man. Over the last few years I have become so stressed/depressed, angry, bitter and defensive. I recognize that and I don't want anyof those traits. She has put up with my crap for a long time and I know it seems rediculous to think she would let me in again but I can't stop holding out hope no matter how much she says, point blank, "it's over".
Nothing wrong with hope, Tattoo. It's what keeps us going. I'm just trying to make sure you address LEGITIMATE issues, and not "fogged-out, re-writing of marital history" ones which is often what you get at this "I'm done" stage with a WAW.
from my own archives:
Why I’m so Focused on Determining of There’s an Affair Going On:
This is precisely why I'm so "hung up on" whether or not there is an affair going on when I advise people. Because if there IS, you're going to get FALSE SIGNALS in terms of what he says he wants, whether or not he likes/loves what you're doing in terms of meeting his needs, speaking his love language(s), etc. DBing is all about "doing what works," but in this case (infidelity), you're trying to judge things based on SMOKE and FOG and DECEIT.
I advise people to aggressively determine -- and then bust-up, if there is one -- whether or not there's an affair going on, while SIMULTANEOUSLY adjusting their own behavior ("be the better option"/"shine a light back towards the marriage") -- but -- and THIS IS IMPORTANT -- to make your self-improvements based on two things:
1) Your OWN self-analysis and introspection about what you legitimately feel are your shortcomings, and what you need to work on, to be a better partner for this person, or -- if it doesn't work out -- someone else down the road; and
2) Your spouse's pre-affair marital complaints. Too many people take their spouse's CURRENT complaints as their input for self-improvement, and it's almost always just fogged-out re-writing of marital history bullchit. One example of this would be backing off on anything that their wayward spouse characterizes as being "controlling," when, in fact, you've actually been more passive/supplicating/doormattish, if anything, in the marriage.[/b]
I hope that helps. It all starts with verifying the truth of what's REALLY going on.
Puppy
Even if there's no OM at this point, a WAW's state of mind is still pretty similar to a wayward wife's when it comes to marital complaints, in my experience.
Man, you've got some great advice. I do think my issues are ones that I know to be true of myself. Things I really desire to change regardless.
I don't think she has an OM, although she is probably closer than she has ever been to doing that. These are issues that have been a problem for some time and not just new occurances. I really think it is a "he's just a broken record and will never change" situation.
Granted I didn't act like I should have and it probably seems really "convient" that I have discovered these things in the 11th hour of our marriage. I'm sure she thinks I'm just trying to put a bandaid on the issue (which I am guilty of before) but I've gotten a taste of life without her and the ILYBINILWY speech, that will snap you out of your own selfishness and really made me see things in a whole new light. Man, Im so worried and afraid that she won't even be willin to see my changes but I guess that's the issue. I put myself in this position and now I have nothing but hope to cling to. I told her were I stand and I'm going home from work tonight and am going to try and focus on the things she has always asked of me (help around the house, taking care of myself and our dogs etc) hopefully over time she will notice how focused I am.
Puppy, thanks so much for taking time to respond. I am in a complete and utter tailspin and I don. Have anyone to express these feelings to, thanks for listening.
Man, Im so worried and afraid that she won't even be willin to see my changes but I guess that's the issue. I put myself in this position and now I have nothing but hope to cling to. I told her were I stand and I'm going home from work tonight and am going to try and focus on the things she has always asked of me (help around the house, taking care of myself and our dogs etc) hopefully over time she will notice how focused I am.
Puppy, thanks so much for taking time to respond. I am in a complete and utter tailspin and I don. Have anyone to express these feelings to, thanks for listening.
As I stated above, don't do it to make her notice. Do it cuz IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, to be a better person.
