HB - your son sure has his "ducks in the row" ... no wonder that you are so proud of him
I'm happy to hear that the changes you are going through are positive...you deserve the best.
Thanks so much for bringing up the TRUST issue. The way you explained it makes lots of sense. I've been struggling to understand why H has a such a hard time "getting it" that I don't trust him.
Since the day that he announced that he wants to R I did not bring that up at all....he already knows it and as you said he has to process it all and face what he has done...hopefully in time he will see everything more clearly.
HB - You have a rare gift of being able to summarize the issue under discussion and highlight the points within that are at play in this situation...it really helps me to understand where he is coming from and why he behaves the way he does.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Libby, Passenger & OP - thank you my friends for posting
Passanger - I did read somewhere that in marriage spouses take on roles...the more of a role you take on the less the other spouse will get involved in it and will assume that you are happy with that arrangement. That applies to everything from washing dishes, to initiating sex. From experience I believe that it's true...so if you don't like something ...speak-up....I will definitely renegotiate some "roles" if we R
Gosh darnit OP...don't call yourself old...you make me feel old. Remember these days the 50s are the new 40s
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
- I did read somewhere that in marriage spouses take on roles...the more of a role you take on the less the other spouse will get involved in it and will assume that you are happy with that arrangement.
Just had to comment - my WH has an opinion on EVERYTHING!! And then says he has to take on too much, then gets resentful. He stopped eating my cooking and would only cook for himself. He will resent me doing his laundry then do it himself. He will do the gardening that I don't like to do, and then resent that he is doing so much work without "being appreciated"!! Reading these boards, now, I thought maybe, in hindsight, he was teaching himself in preparation for moving out (which I didn't know). Now I'm just thinking that's weird. Did you guys really separate roles like that, and it works by and large?
SCH - was you H like that pre-MLC? I must say that in my M we did take on certain "roles" that remained the same for years...like who moves the lawn, takes out garbage, does grocery shopping, holiday planning, sex initiating etc. As our lives changed some new "roles" would establish, but the old ones would generally remain the same.
Everything was running smoothly. It worked for us for many years...only when we started to have MLC problems did I hear "You always" and "You never". Since then I obviously had lots of time to think about this and yes some changes in "roles" would've ben beneficial to liven-up our M.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Since then I obviously had lots of time to think about this and yes some changes in "roles" would've ben beneficial to liven-up our M.
So true on liven-up the M. Since the separation I have had to learn to cook for me and the kids. I of my W's marital complaints was that I never cooked or at least told her what I wanted. It was not until I had to start cooking that I understood and actually I know enjoy it.
She was over the other night and I totally fixed the dinner while she sat on the counter having a glass of wine. I know she was enjoying herself.....wish I would have taken on some of the cooking before now.
We do get stuck in roles. I wish I had asked her to mow the lawn, she only did so once or twice. I think it is important to try to share roles once in a while.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Update - Yesterday H asked to come over to clean the pool. He did and then stayed to suntan for a bit. I didn't pay much attention to him...continued working in my office while he was there. Came downstairs once to talk to D to tell her that I'm going out and that her dinner will be on the stove...she asked where are you going? I didn't elaborate...just told her downtown...I'll have dinner there. As I was talking to her, H came to her room and overheard that I'm going out...didn't say anything accept asked what time do I have to leave. We talked a bit with D, light nice conversation, then I made some comment and he said "that's cute" and smiled at me. I guess he was having a better day, he didn't seem as depressed.
As I was getting ready to go out he came looking for me and said playfully "Your pool boy is leaving"... Good he got to see me all dressed up...
Well I didn't have a hot date, just went to my "Rebuilding" group meeting...but he doesn't know that lol.
That's it for yesterday
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
MHL - I know...we got so comfortable in our roles...and no one was complaining (until MLC). Now that I think about it, I wish that my H cooked more often, he is a great cook....way back when H used to cook often until he "gave" me that role and I "accepted" it. Oh well live & learn....
BTW - I'm glad that you're enjoying the cooking part of single life .
I on the other hand don't cook every day as I used to...somehow lost interest since H left
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Understand you there with the cooking part of it, Mila. I used to love to cook and H liked to eat and always kissed and thanked me for dinner. Since he left I don't enjoy it much anymore. The kids most always thank and compliment the meal, but I've really lost my love for it and it's become just another chore.
