Ken... You aren't doing this to "get her to choose first"
The objective is to take a stand for your marriage and CHALLENGE your wife's beligerence.
This is NOT a NEGOTIATION... you state your position and WALK AWAY... You are showing her consequences for her actions... no TALK.. just DO.
And yes Puppy's right, plan this all out in private.. don't SHARE the plans with her... just tell her what's going to happen in general once you know what you are doing in detail. Let HER SWEAT out the details in private just like you did.. hse will likley PANIC...
This is GOOD
She will LIKELY try to play coy and charming with you to get you to change your mind.
Your answer is
NO NO NO
Your wife needs to see a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST.. until she's DOING that, this is your direction and you stick to it, NO EXCUSES...
My FEAR is that as soon as your wife says verbally that she'll stop you will collapse and run right back into her arms again...
BAD IDEA
Do NOT accept her back until she's made some arrangements to re-commit to the marriage
Family THerapy No passworded phones FULL TRANSPARENCY Acknowledgement of the infidelity as destructive
Let's put it this way...
Under current circumstances.. would you marry your wife right now?
Obviously not... so don't RECONCILE until she's offering somthing you would marry in the first place...
She will LIKELY try to play coy and charming with you to get you to change your mind.
Your answer is
NO NO NO
Your wife needs to see a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST.. until she's DOING that, this is your direction and you stick to it, NO EXCUSES...
My FEAR is that as soon as your wife says verbally that she'll stop you will collapse and run right back into her arms again...
To be honest, I have the exact same fear, Ken. This is your nature; that's not a knock -- it's just an observation. Do some good, honest introspection, REALIZE this, and embrace it and make adjustments. THAT'S WHAT LEADERS DO. We ALL have weaknesses; it's what you DO with them -- honestly identify them, and adjust accordingly -- that will define the winners and the losers.
Quote:
Do NOT accept her back until she's made some arrangements to re-commit to the marriage
Family THerapy No passworded phones FULL TRANSPARENCY Acknowledgement of the infidelity as destructive
Let's put it this way...
Under current circumstances.. would you marry your wife right now?
Obviously not... so don't RECONCILE until she's offering somthing you would marry in the first place...
Agree, but it has to be where she WANTS to commit to the marriage. It can't be leveraged upon her, because eventually she will want to break free.
No, it can't, but Ken can position this as "This is what I need. You, Wife, are free to do whatever you want to do -- you are an adult, after all, and I cannot control you. But make no mistake, whatever you decide will affect what I decide, going forward."
There's a difference between laying out ULTIMATUMS (YOU-oriented) and BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY (ME-oriented).
That makes sense, but this has been part of the reason I haven't been able to get her to leave. I'm hoping the "temporary separation order" will help her come up with something.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
The idea Ken is that she doens't leave... she finally breaks and offers a commitment you can respect and sticks to it.
I suspect though, that she will walk out on you and the kids before doing that... She WILL come back.. you have kids... BUT... I am hoping you confronting her with a GOOD consequence plan like this will shake her up enough that you won't have to push this through to the end.
Note : BE PREPARED EMOTIONALLY to FOLLOW THROUGH.. this is NOT a threat, its a PLAN.. something you WILL DO unless SHE changes.
Do NOT accept promises and tears... accept MAUTURE actions ken.. this woman is a damn MOTHER... she's acting like a two year old.. do you want a two year old educating and raising your children?
Protect your family from this nonsense... be prepared to escort her to the door if she continues contact...
SHE is choosing the telephone contact and a separation over a marriage and a family...
that's HER choice...
YOU need to find a good family therapist too... don't wait til she agrees to see one to start looking...get one NOW
How hard would it be to cancel the TSO? I don't think she will believe that you would actually follow through with it! So, maybe, you could follow through with it, get everything set up and ready to go, and THEN confront her. ?????
Whether or not she has nowhere to go is not your worry! She has managed to sneak, deceive, and carry on without your assistance. If she chooses contact with OM over her family, she can figure out where to do it from! It won't be from YOUR home.
Hmmmm.... I was just looking at the word "nowhere". It can also be "now here". It depends on where you draw the line........
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
No, it can't, but Ken can position this as "This is what I need. You, Wife, are free to do whatever you want to do -- you are an adult, after all, and I cannot control you. But make no mistake, whatever you decide will affect what I decide, going forward."
Puppy
I duno about the idea of telling your spouse they are free to do whatever they want.. if there are kids involved this is not that simple is it?
I get what you mean pup, but when communicating to a WS they can very easily misinterpret that sucker...
What I told my wife was this :
"You have commitments here. I need you to either respect them and participate in our household in a healthy way, or end those commitments formally and EXIT the premises"
That's not perfect, but I think it conveys a point that's less likley to be exploited.
I understand you want to focus on the LBS's harm, I get that, but I do worry that WS' will take that as a sign that the LBS doen'st want the marriage anymore and that the WS has no obligations or responsabilities.
I do understand your point, Allen. My suggested language is to transition the formerly-over-pleasing, passive, I-can't-possibly-control-them types into a stronger stance.
Probably better for me to have said "You will probably do whatever you decide to do, but . . ." or "I can't stop you from . . . "
It is not a "free pass" if one says to an alcoholic "I hope you'll decide to get help. Whatever you decide to do, I cannot remain with you until you do, however."
The larger concept I'm trying to get across is the one of "No, I can't tell you what to do, but I can let you know what my "boundaries of personal integrity" are, and that if you cross them, then I will have a decision to make. What you decide to do will affect what I decide to do."
