Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[AJM]

so there is no one else to confront him

Um, duh. They do that on purpose and if you step back, it does kind of make sense in the bigger picture. If they didn't change friends they really wouldn't be able to do what they are doing right? But keep watching and you will see them cycle through friends. In fact, like teenagers, if you act like you like them it goes faster sometimes Not saying you should, but just sayin' because that would short-circuit some of his needed learning. He has to learn these things as he relives his issues and tries to make different choices or come to some sort of peace with the ones he has made.

I have been trying to detach, but I'm not really good at it. I keep telling myself I need to completely leave him alone, and not ask for his help, but it's hard to do after 33 years. When something goes wrong, he's the first person I think of to fix things.....cause he always has. And I never had to ask anyone else. Heck, I don't even know who to ask! And since I'm so stinking broke, I can't afford anyone else. He's cheap labor, even though I have to put up with his hatred and bad attitude.

So, now I am wondering what do you do if you think it's more than MLC? I know that untreated depression is dangerous. And, h is sliding fast down the abyss! I don't want to just ignore his behavior and then beat myself up forever if he cracks up or worse. But, I also know he won't listen to anything I say and his friends are too wasted and self-absorbed and let's face it, not too bright, to ever consider there might be something wrong with him! This sitting around waiting for him to hit rock bottom and flip out completely is torture!

I know what you mean. I really do. One thing I struggled with even this morning is the sadness I feel. I read another post about their own trip through MLC and could see how frightening and maddening it can be for the person going through it let alone the spousal unit. I don't feel sorry any longer. I realize now that she made her choices and that she is doing what she is doing because of that. It's hard to realize they make a choice to go down this road after so long knowing them as a different person. But what you describe is EXACTLY what I've seen - leaving church, making new friends (losers) and saying mean and hurtful things designed to slice me to ribbons inside.
But as I look at your post and even my own situation a few things stand out:

1) of course it's hard. You have been married for a very long time. Your identity and friendship circles are structured around that life. Right now, that life doesn't exist and the possibility exists that it never will again. You don't know at this point, but you need to live regardless. You are very wise and are able to see a lot of things. You academically see a lot of things but are hesitant to internalize and accept. I get that. Don't beat yourself up for thinking like that. Just try to redirect your thoughts elsewhere. Start making a list three times a day for the things you are grateful for. Focus on the good things in life. Some exercise similar to that will help your PMA greatly.
2) you are correct. You and everyone else cannot say anything to him to "wake him up" nor would you want to. Why? Because if you did it would just start all over again in the future. No shortcuts. Really. I didn't believe the time-lines before. They are what they are however and you cannot change them. At all.
3) Does he have something other than MLC going on? There is no way to tell and you cannot make him go. I've gone down this road as well. Almost had her committed. Thought very hard about it. But in the end I did not and I think that was the right call. They act crazy around us. Around others? Who knows?
4) The friends. The derelicts, wanna-be's, losers, etc. Yep, all part of it. If he's like mine, you'll find that those friends come and go. Sometimes fast and sometimes not fast enough. A lot like watching a teenager growing up, right? You won't approve of his friends. He wouldn't listen to you about it anyway. He would dig his heels in and be friends with them to be spiteful.
5) His hatred? I suggest not responding when you can. See what happens. Responding to the texts? The MLC'r needs fuel to propel them through. He's burning you for that fuel. What happens if that is not an option? They have to find it elsewhere. By that I mean they search other friends. They need to do it, but not at your expense. It'll tear you up and you'll be a crazy mess. And exhausted. And that won't do anyone any good.

My advice is to detach. Get a life. Make new friends. Exercise. You cannot change him. Sounds repetitive and to some degree it is. It also has many meanings for many people. But truthfully, you should not feel sorry for him - he is getting what he needs. The pain he feels is needed to force change. Growth hurts. By design I suspect.

When they are in this situation, they try SO hard to hurt you. That is not healthy for you. I'm not sure they can help it but they know better than anyone how to do it. Keep some distance.

One thing that has also helped me is to join a support group here locally. The online is nice, but social interaction is important. I found a meetup group that really worked out well here in Raleigh. It's strange how I can start the story and others can finish it as if they knew her. Unnerving a bit.

AJM