Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want

[june72]

Well, I did it. I reverted back to my old bitchy self. I have been so good for so long- bitchy me made a rare appearance and my old familar hubby was back- stonewalling, spinning, trying to turn it back on me. And somewhere in the mist of this- I realized what a complete @ss I am being. As if this has ever worked. Direct confrontation with an attitude. He was upset, I was upset. But he still is a changed man. The old hubby would have stormed off to the bedroom and stewed for days. He waited up for me so we could have our time. Unfortunately, my youngest fought sleep till 11pm so no fun time for us. In the past I would have continued too hard on him and even throw out some putdowns. Instead the new me apologized and gave him a big hug and guess what- he huged back really hard. Then I poured out how much I miss him and how difficult the kids are and how life is not what I want right now. I can't even GAL b/c my younger son gets sick so much I have to cancel more than attend events. He expressed the same sentiments. I do believe him- why do I still get so hurt sometimes.

So, no more quickies, sexual favors, nada for him anymore EVER! I stated that b4 but I always that I was the super cool wife for doing that. My theory has been the more I give him- it should increase my frequency correct? Wrong. So- now that he doesn't use porn if there has been a long stretch without- he actually is feeling the draught too. For so long I felt I was the only one gyped in that area.


Laura, thanks so much for the feedback. Yes, I have drilled it into my hubby about what I want and expect in the bedroom- Our MC was both an MC and sex therapist but we never ever once had the chance to talk about sex b4 my hubby quit and decided he had had enough. I certainly have made it hard for him also. I mean here I am with lots of experience and he has almost none (his choice, girls hit on him for years- they just were never good looking enough for him-nuts, right). At one point I actually had him nervous to have sex with me. I get that I can be really intimidating.

Dday- thanks! Ironically, H has thought I am being too aggressive and I have to step it back a bit b/c it just adds to his stress. So I am gong to restrain myself-lol.


So on to me. I see my shortcomings. I am quick to anger, I am so much better now at setting myself straight but darn it. This rare occassion I didn't explode, but I defnitely handled things wrong. I have to remind myself to not be so selfish and think about how he feels. He is having a hard time in life too and is actually way more stressed out than I am. I just need to....calm myself down and not be so impulsive and not allow negative thoughts to win in my mind.

I am reading a new book called- "women are crazy and men are stupid"- fits my mood perfectly. It's written by two comedians and I am totally enjoying it.

Course correcting- getting back on track....better day today. *stress releasing exhale*