Direct quote from the book I am reading that my counselor suggested "When I Do Becomes I Don't":
When children are given vague, "We just don't love each other anymore" answers, the chance of their internalizing and blaming themselves is much greater. Gary Sprague of Single Parent Family Ministries states, "The main reason why children of divorce think that it is their fault is because nobody has told them the real reasons for the divorce."
I don't have any problem with what you plan to tell them. As time goes on they will figure out more and more, so it makes sense to start with truth, just not too much of it, and I think you have that balance figured out.
I am becoming pretty convinced that based on Dan and his drama, that it may well be best for you to tell them alone, without Dan. He seems to be in an "it's all about Dan" place, and I don't think that's at all what the kids need to see. He will have to talk to them to (they will certainly ask him about it, anyway, though they can't make him talk) eventually. But it seems that right now he really wouldn't be very helpful in the initial telling. Thinking about it, not much of a surprise, is it?
HUGS, BobbiJo. The good thing is that once you've done it, the kids can start to move forward to. And I think you will feel better as well.
No it isn't a surprise, and that is why I am upset with myself as well as with him. As I recall now it took him a couple of attempts before he could tell Nathan the first time, when he moved to Iowa, that he was not going to live with us when we moved to Iowa too.
I am just disgusted with him today. That he is such a coward, and that he would continue to manipulate and deflect and lie...I really want to rip him a new one but I am not contacting him......
((((Bobbi Jo)))). Lesson learned and let's move on. You can NOT count on him. He is proven that again and again. He has issues and he needs to deal with them. that is his problem and not yours.
So you need to tell the kids yourself. You hoped that things would work out differently but they didn't. I know it is a lot to carry, but you are the stable parent and you need to continue to be for your kids. No more letting Dan control the situation.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
When are you going to stop waiting for Dan to "wake up?"
Disengage completely from him. Minimal contact because of the kids, of course, but stop answering or even acknowledging his texts and emails. He is far from a "friend" and he has always treated you badly and like you are stupid. I bet if you look back and are really honest with yourself, there is nothing for him to "wake up" from. This is who he is and will never change.
If you're so "stupid," why does he constantly text you for answers about the kids?
Ignore the @sshole. Stop being sucked in by his ridiculous histrionics. Jeez, what a GIRLYMAN!!
When are you going to stop waiting for Dan to "wake up?"
Quote:
Disengage completely from him.
Quote:
Minimal contact because of the kids, of course, but stop answering or even acknowledging his texts and emails.
Quote:
He is far from a "friend" and he has always treated you badly and like you are stupid.
Quote:
I bet if you look back and are really honest with yourself, there is nothing for him to "wake up" from. This is who he is and will never change.
Quote:
Ignore the @sshole. Stop being sucked in by his ridiculous histrionics.
F*** him and feed him beef.
BBJ..I know you think I hammer you all the time..but TBH..it's time to set boundaries with him..it time to stop putting up with his stupid chitt..it's time to treat him like he should be treated...like a child...tell him how it will be..
