I suck. Between being busy and not TOO much development, I am not making it here enough to post.
Ok, since we last visited GH...
Thanks for the advice and affirmation. I would love to say things have taken leaps and bounds in the right direction. Surely they are better-ish but that may just be because there is still a much decreased frequency of contact with "friends" these days. Of course since W is home during the day and I am working... who really knows for sure. I actually have not suspected they have ever seen each other during the day.
The frustrating thing is that we seem to be at a silent impasse right now. Things may have calmed down with whatever was going on with this guy but we've never really addressed the core of the issues (her being vague, deceptive, my anger, etc). We just kinda moved past it a bit. I don't really like that since it's clear we both need to at least address these things on our own, and I think together as well. It's entirely possible, even probable that my W is handling her issues her way, as am I. The thing is that I tend to be very communicative and she tends to internalize everything until it bursts out of her. That's what I am afraid of, but any attempt I make to get her to open up results in conflict. I need to work on my approach I suppose.
So for now I am considering talking about these R issues a bit taboo while I still address my own issues. I am far from over those. I have, on occasion, and sometimes without provocation, lashed out at W for the sitch. Each time I realize it too late and then go into damage control mode, which makes things worse. Kinda like poking the shark then cutting yourself and floundering around in the water.
I REALLY want to get to a detached place where I can be like I was in the "old days", able to live my life and love my wife without feeling responsible for every emotion, situation and reaction she experiences. I am getting back there but it's slow going. I think I was a little self-deceptive when it comes to admitting how far I had fallen from that position over the past few years.
I have read OT and Puppy's advice and will incorporate it into my process. I think calmly expressed boundaries are the key. We'll see. I am fairly sure she may be going out tonight but she's surprised me over the past week or two when I assumed she was going to do something (negative) and she didn't. Usually my assumptions (yea, I know... bad GH) are right. I am cursed with being VERY perceptive. Anymore though her behavior has become less predictable, and I suppose that's a good thing since the behavior I was so good at predicting was bad.
At this point my daily struggle is in NOT reacting to every little bump in the road as if it's the end of my marriage. I think if anything I have taken this idea that it's up to me to decide what I want too far. I express that too much and it feels like brinkmanship. It's almost like I express these little ultimatums ("If this doesn't end soon, it will end our marriage") but too often and they seem like saber rattling. I really need to stop that.
So I am living day-to-day almost like someone with an addiction problem. I am a recovering control freak, and always will be a recovering control freak. What's worse is that I am in a situation that many people would say demands control
Thanks again for checkin' in on me. I will try to get back more often, and not just when things turn for the worse, which I hope they don't.
