I understand that people's lives can be greatly affected by their upbringing, but your W needs to get past that and move forward. To continue to blame her parents and to blame you for her unhappiness is saying that other people are responsible for making her happy. She is the only one who can make her happy! It is not the responsiblity for anyone else. The bible says that a man is to love & honor his wife. He is to be over his household (protect, provide, and be a leader),but it does not say that a man is to make his wife happy!
How old are you and your W and how long have you been M? What are the ages of your children?
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However, I also know that if I totally shut off finances that my kids will suffer in the end. I wish it were an easier way to do this. It seems as if I'm enabling the sitch! How do I do this without her trying to put me on support or even worse? As much as I count on her income she counts on mine to pay our mortgage thats in both our names.
Most of your problem as a man is b/c you have been taught your responsibilities as a provider/protector/head of his family. You feel responsible for the wellfare of your family and especially your kids. This will be a hard test for you.
The fact is that your W CHOSE to take your children out of the home you were over! She "chose" to begin her own home for her and the children. Therefore, in my opinion, that releases you from financial responsibilities over her. You did not force her to leave. You still maintain a home for the family, but she "chose" not to abide there. You are not obligated to finance both places.
As far as the support of the children, how will you be neglecting them financially? If they need food, they can come stay with you. If the electricity is shut off, they can stay with you. If they need clothes,you have them have clothes that stay at your house. But, you do nothing to finance her or the kids at her house. The more you enable her and the kids to stay at that apartment, the longer she will be gone from your home.
You cannot afford to make this about "male pride" b/c this is not the time for such things as that. Your family is at stake here. Your kids know they have a home (with you) and will be cared for in that home. If you enable her to maintain a wonderful little home in that apartment, what are you accomplishing? Exactly! Stop saying your kids will go without, b/c you know they are not going to "suffer" like that. However, the more you "help" her support her lifestyle there.....the more the kids will suffer in the long run.
I strongly encourage you to split your finances and banking accounts. As long as you have joint accounts, she will "force" you to be responsible for both places, the cars, etc. If she wants to live separately, then she needs to have separate checking accounts. You need to stand up to her about that and tell her that you have decided that you cannot enable her choices about breaking the family apart and you cannot financially afford both living spaces. This was "her" choice and now she needs to face the "hard part" about that choice. Stop making it easy for her to leave you.
The situation needs to be "busted". Like I told you about the church, she doesn't want people to know. She doesn't even want her parents to know? How mature is that? Why are you helping her "cover" up? Don't play her games with her. Not fair to ask the kids to lie about it, either. What is that teaching them how to deal with life? You cover up and lie to everyone?
These are hard actions to enforce, but if you don't and you sit back and "hope" she gets feelings for you again, you are taking a huge risk b/c this is the second time around aNd she has a lot of resentment built up. I think it will take a "shock" to her system to get her out of her playpen (apartment) and her fantasy of a different life. Even if there is no OM, she has a fantasy of having a single life without you. Don't tell me it is to have space and discover if she has feelings, b/c I know. She wants to experience how it would be to be single. So.....let her expeerience the full blunt of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
