A lot of the advice I have recieved here and from friends, has been tell WAH to take a hike & only come back when he's ready to step up to the plate and behave like a hub and a father. And I've glady followed it since I think it has great merits.
Depending on the sitch.
I am beginning to see potential holes in this approach as related to my sitch.
While I beat WAH up with words, and tell him to stay away cos he's useless etc, how CAN he take the necessary steps to becoming a father to a newborn? I'm not letting him. I'm excluding him.
The activities of Exposure and fighting the WAS's affair, are exhausting war-like activities. While they are great for your indidual self-esteem & hopefully getting OW out the way faster, they don't necessarily get the WAH back into the fold fast enough. In this case: in time for the birth and early bonding with baby.
Wouldn't Taking the High Rd, Letting Go. Accepting. GALing achieve things faster in this respect? I can stop blocking him immediately. I don't have to wait for the A to be over.
I am thinking about Newmama here (I hope you don't mind, NM!)... From what I gather, NM has taken the High Rd. Okay, her H is still wayward and things haven't worked out to this date as we would hope, but that doesn't mean it wont, or that it can't for others. NM has allowed her H to co-parent despite his running off, and it seems he's quite good at being a Dad (tell me if I am wrong in any of this, NM!).
Newmama and I both have WAH's in affairs, but my WAH's OW is on the other side of the world, so she's "virtual" for the moment and I reckon it has a better chance of dying. Yes, distance can be a powerful motivator for romantic love, but at some point it's gotta become a drag. Besides, for them, an air ticket to see each other would cost minimum $2000 return. We're talking crossing the world, crossing language barriers, VISA problems..not hopping over to the next State or suburb.
Second point I'd like to make using NMs stich again, as well as some of the other gals' sitches... These men seem to know someting about parenting and fatherhood already. As in, they have had fathers, they kind of know what's involved.
Mine doesn't know it from first hand experience. He's totally remedial in this respect. I think this means he's someone who does need his hand held to become a father... Because he's never had the education. He has no CLUE what it means.
If I shut out a person who doesn't know what fathering is...and don't give him the space to learn...how will he ever know he can do it and to be not fearful of it?
At the end of the day I might not get my M back, but my child might get a father.
I guess with only weeks (days? please make it weeks!) to go until the baby arrives, new questions, possibly new priorites are emerging.
Or perhpas it's just that I need to keep and eye on things, be patient, and if I see something ain't working, then change it
