I've been doing alot of work in the Rebuilding course I'm taking...getting through all the stages of the loss of this relationship.
H wanted to get together to go over what D12 will need for her trip this summer. He came over tonight and I was quite anxious beforehand(dreading a blow up, or more criticism..). I'd just gone through the grief exercise(saying goodbye) in the Rebuilding class on Sunday and alot of my grieving emotions are still on the surface, getting processed.
It went OK tonight. There was some awkwardness as I haven't seen or talked to H in person in quite some time. At one point we actually were talkng about the divorce process and H said he'd actually bought some books about it(the man who never reads books!). He apologized that it seemed to me that he filed for divorce so fast. I said it had taken me by surprise. I told him he looked good and he reurned the compliment.
We had a long hug goodbye and I started crying a bit. But he held on to the hug for awhile.
I think this divorce will go through. I just really in my heart don't understand what he sees in our relationship that was so awful or so unfixable. I respect that he feels what he feels but I really don't understand it or see it myself and that is what I struggle with the most.
If I could see that we had a totally awful, completely dysfunctional relationship that was just best to walk away from, then it would be easier to walk away...but that really isn't what we had in this marriage. There were so many positives...
The over-sensitivity and reactivity of H is still there somewhat, but not as much as before. H had coffee with both of his 'best' friends today so I don't think he's going through withdrawal..not sure where he is in MLC...but obviously it doesn't seem that he's coming back to or for me. I'm letting go of that dream..I think its the most stubborn to let go of.
I am imagining my life alone, without H. I can see friendships with people in my class. I'm trying to create dreams of my own, but right now, since I'm still grieving, the dreams seem a bit sad...but there is a little light at the end of (my) tunnel!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Getting a divorce doesn't necessarily means it's over...your husband has to realize that getting what he wants doesn't mean it will make him happy...at this point he still thinks his happiness points toward getting away from you. And, it's because he THINKS it's YOU...you're the enemy, the spouse, the one "standing in his way." Never mind that is NOT true at all.
I KNOW that sounds harsh, and I deeply apologize, but so many feel that way...instead of looking within, they are looking at outside sources to see where the "blame" lies for their OWN unhappiness. Unfortunately, since you are there, you are the major target for the spewing, etc.
Sometimes it takes them getting what they want to realize it really WASN'T what they wanted; that's why some who divorce and marry OW/OM so quickly, often realize they've made a mistake, but then it's too late to go back...as once they've made a decision that turns out to be a grave mistake, in the end they may very well lose everything, and that's consequences for their own stupid actions.
All of a sudden realize they realize they have lost something that was so much better for them than the crap they've gotten themselves into.
That's why letting go is so important; it's not only for you, but for the other person too, in the hopes they will realize that in the abandonment of their spouse is NOT the happily ever after they thought it was going to be. And, also realize that what they left is better than the unknown future.
Letting go, honestly, can be the BEST thing you can do for someone, especially if they will not listen and insist on going their own way, regardless of what you try and tell them.
Understand this is HIS loss, not yours....you've lost nothing, he will lose EVERYTHING, and that is NOT in a material sense.
You can't buy a faithful spouse who loves you with every last bit of the heart. Who's there when needed, cared about, supported and most of all, was there when no one else was for the husband/wife who's running away.
Who's still there, even now, as the MLC'er shirks responsibility for their own actions.
It's hard to balance what you knew with what you know now...and the mind gets confused when trying to understand what's happened. Coupled with the fact it seems to be a never ending story...it's enough to make you want to scream your head off and start throwing things against the wall.
I understand the frustration very well, having experienced that enough times in my life.
You continue forward, let him go to whatever he THINKS will be his happiness....he'll find it's NOT...and it won't be fun being him when he figures that out.
You'll be fine, he will NOT.
Much love, many hugs, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Understand this is HIS loss, not yours....you've lost nothing, he will lose EVERYTHING, and that is NOT in a material sense.
I agree with everything but this. I know I have lost things with the end of our relationship: my best friend daily companionship/intimacy trust(working on rebuilding it) (coming soon) daily living with my children family friends and family-family get-togethers a cohesive family unit
just to name a few...
I have detached and will detach more. I know that is the key for me to move on as a whole and healthy person. I realize frequently that the man my H is right now, this very minute, is not the man I want to be married to. The man H is right now is still angry(although he denies it) and overly-sensitive and empty, a shell of the former man he was. I can see H trying to be the father he was, but its hit or miss and there's alot of making up to do with the girls.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Understand this is HIS loss, not yours....you've lost nothing, he will lose EVERYTHING, and that is NOT in a material sense.
You can't buy a faithful spouse who loves you with every last bit of the heart. Who's there when needed, cared about, supported and most of all, was there when no one else was for the husband/wife who's running away.
Who's still there, even now, as the MLC'er shirks responsibility for their own actions.
Maybe I should have grouped them together for better understanding...I was detailing HIS losses in this.
I'm not discounting your losses, not at all. Those have to be grieved through and come to terms with in time.
There are ALWAYS losses on BOTH sides of the marriage when a break occurs, and in the end the MLC'er will always lose MORE than the LBS ever does. The LBS retains his/her integrity, along with a clear conscience...which is more than the MLC'er will ever have unless major changes occur within if/when they come through the crisis.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
kjensen-I am sorry you are going thru a D too! My H filed in March...I don't want it either but I don't want him how he is now! We will see what happens...I read/heard somewhere, maybe on here, that a relationship has to be totally over, before it can begin again (something like that). They way I took it was that the D will happen and then, who knows, we could start over again! Thinking of you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Update: H sent me an email yesterday asking how much I'd paid my lawyer so far..ends up H has paid his about $4000 more than me! H wondered what we were fighting over and asked if we could try to work some stuff out by ourselves so we wouldn't have to pay lawyers..and use mediation for the things we can't agree on.. I agreed to this...
H also wanted to have specific times he could see the girls and I agreed to that too. The girls will be able to move in with H after the first week of May(Mother's Day weekend, of course).
H wanted to see D14 in her prom outfit so he met us at the home where pictures were being taken. I even got a few of him with D14. She looked beautiful!
I went out with some people from my class on Friday and to a movie with 3 of them after the dinner. It was fun and different. Made me realize that people aren't going to necessarily avoid me, once I'm divorced, and that I am building a support network with this group.
Was reading some other threads here about reconnecting and I'm wondering if H is really trying to reconnect with the girls, especially D14. Once they live with him half the time it will all feel and be so different.
At this point I am still getting really anxious before I see H, but once I see him in person I'm pretty detached. Not sure if the anxiousness is leftover from all the instances where H would see me and get upset over something I did or said... Hopefully the anxiety will go away. I'm workng on it.
The ex-OW was at the hair salon yesterday when I took D14 to get her hair fixed for prom! I saw her car, so we waited a minute or two and she left with her kids..then we went in. Twice in one month! might need to find a new hair salon!
Last edited by kjensen; 04/25/1003:11 PM.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
So.. H is still so reactive. I emailed him and asked when he'd like to get together..he responded that he had a meeting set up next week for the income evaluation and he was very angry about it, but it wouldn't interfere with our talk! I had opened a piece of mail we received in his name for OUR credit card that we were closing..he asked why I would do that(b/c lots of mail/bills that I pay are addressed to him!and they are still coming to this address 5 months after he moved out)....
So I've made no response. I'll wait a day or so til I'm in a good frame of mind and then meet with him. I really dread this, but think its necessary.
I'm just surprised with how negatively he sees me, how he still blames me for the mess he's created. I thought distance would help dispell his reactivity and anger, but it hasn't seemed to!
Just makes me sad that this is where we are. I'm moving on mentally from this relationship as it seems pretty toxic to me at the moment and I know I deserve better. Living in the present. Grieving the loss. Moving forward.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Met with H tonight at Starbuck's..He wanted to talk about custody schedules, asset division...the discussion went ok mostl. H was still reactive a bit and is stickly solidly to the fact that I'm hurting him deeply by doing as my lawyer strongly recommends and getting his income evaluated. He agrees he's underpaid. But he sees that I supported him for years being underpaid, but now I am saying he should be making more...and that hurts him.
I think he expects a 50/50 split of our "stuff"... has a spreadsheet of all the stuff so we could check off if I want it, he wants it, its divided or to be determined....
I said I'd look at it and think about things and we could meet again to discuss. I told him that I never wanted this divorce and got a bit teary(DAMN!)...just in case he's deluded himself on that fact like so many others..
He gave me a hug goodbye and said I smelled good. Woohoo!
Sad to have to be where I am. I really wish it was just over! This is so !@#^&*(bleeping) stressful!
I imagine I'll have a larger/longer mortgage, a lot less retirement and less disposable income coming my way! Not to mention less furniture and the worst- my children only half the time...Oh and I get the fun surprise of running into the ex-OW periodically to remind me of the rejection and betrayal I endured last year.. Oh What fun! Just can't wait!
Ok I'm done with my pity party now...
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
KJ - sounds like your meeting went okay all things considered. Wow, your H sounds very organized - spreadsheet about all the stuff to divide and all!
That verification of income stuff, all that, didn't he expect that in a divorce? They really don't seem to think ahead do they? Try not to let that bother you. Like you said, it is he advice of the lawyer and you do have to protect yourself financially as much as you can.
I have been reading your situation for a while now. I know this part is hard at the moment but the strength that comes from your postings is very evident. The way you are fighting your corner for you and the girls in a divorce you don't want is a beacon to all of us.
You are entitled to a pity party occasionally as this is a very emotional time.
