still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

At the end of WH's time today he said he wanted to discuss things and that he does want to move forward with "the paperwork."

He said something like he doesn't want to hurt me more than he has blah blah blah (don't remember) but that until I return to work he thinks the arrangement has been working well where he comes to the house to see S.

I said "no it hasn't." And proceeded to tell him that starting tomorrow, he needs to pick up and drop off S. He asked why, saying stuff like it's good for S to be here and that his commute will cut into his time with him. He said he understands if I don't want to see him.

I said that I need to do it in order to detach from him and that S needs to get used to his new life if this is the way it's going to be. I explained that I was willing to meet him in the parking lot closer to the freeway for the exchange and he said he was willing to come to the house. I said for the pick up part we should stick to the parking lot but for now we can try to have him drop S off at the house since he will most likely be asleep when he gets here and he can put him in his crib.

Then I added that I was willing to adjust S' bedtime because he will need a later bedtime anyway when he has to go to daycare and I return to work.

Then there was discussion about the visitation and I told him that since I was staying home, it is fine that he sees him as much as he has but once I return to work, it will be less since legally the baby gets to be with his mother more even in the maximum visitation schedule, based on the legal recommendations and that is based on development.

He looked a little worried but I assured him that it has always been one of my values that S gets to be with his dad as much as possible and that they are bonded now. But babies need their mothers since we grow the babies and that is nature. And that it is also important he has a close relationship with his mom because it will help him with his future relationships (I think this went over WH's head).

He said something like we can work that out and that it takes 4 months minimum for the divorce. He said something like let's figure this out later and I said "if you want to f-ing divorce me then just divorce me." He looked like he was waiting for me to go off but I didn't.

I got my laptop, searched for the document about parenting plans and the draft I made based on the law and sat next to him. He said "you've been thinking about this" kind of surprised. I said "I told you that I had made plans for my future."

Then I showed him and added that I wanted to stay in the houses for the next year and he can decide if he wants to sell and we can figure things out then. I pulled up my draft of the budget and my expenses and income and he said that he knew the mortgage was high and wanted to add more money (don't worry folks- this is legally figured). So I said thank you and we discussed that--his offer is generous and I will be in good shape.

Something about him taking care of the house came up and we agreed to draw up a rental agreement (HE would do the work) and I said he could still come around to work on it BUT needed to arrange it through me.

I told him that I appreciated his respectful attitude of not mentioning HER or bringing HER around me and that I would do the same- that we could schedule when he would be here so that he wouldn't have to see anybody. I suggested that maybe when he dropped S off on the weekends he could mow the lawn, etc.

Now all throughout he is crying and tearing up. I teared up a couple of times talking about seeing S and exchanging him. But otherwise I was in charge and in control and calm.

Before he left we drafted a visitation schedule that will start TOMORROW- I meet him around 5 to drop off S.
THEN I added-"by the way, you don't need to text me every day to check on how S slept." He said, choking up, "but that is how I feel more involved...I want to know how he is doing."

I was civil and didn't say anything more than "don't worry- you can trust that I will tell you if something comes up or there is a problem. Otherwise you can assume things are fine."
I did say it in a kind tone of voice, lol!

So he left and said see you tomorrow. I must say that he was surprised at how I handled things, and didn't see it coming when I wanted to change visitation.

I feel all over the place. I know I will be fine. I feel at peace 100% with how I handled things up until now and feel pretty good about how things went down during the discussion.'

One more thing- I did tell him that he will need to be in charge of all of the paperwork and take the lead.