Can you send me a picture of Dan, I swear I think we are married to the same drama king.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
You gave him his chance. it's over. Tomorrow won't be any different than today. He can handle doing the divorce, but not letting the kids know. Your children don't deserve to live in a world created by his lying. Whatever you do, don't perpetuate this.
OMG, I log on, worried about what happened last night and what do I read? DAN being his USUAL self and Bbj going along once more.
Sis, 4x4 here: you are STILL wishing something would change, you are STILL leaving crumbs all over the place hoping Dan will follow them home. And that is no problem at all IMO. But this last minute ditch efforts to use his guilt and achieve ...what? are meaningless. You still havent dropped the rope.
Wake up!! Last night it was proof how well he knows you, how well he manipulates you and how f@cked up he is. Listen girlfriend, time to open up your eyes and quit using excuses (the schedule, the weather etc etc). If you agree kids need to know, DO it. If not, fine, you are their mom and know best.
Dan is much worse than I ever thought possible because he is using your love for the kids as well, to serve his purposes which are only to avoid any kind of consequences NOT because he has serious second thoughts/feelings.
The man cheated over and over again, treated you like sh!t, has shown no consistency, no respect, no real caring for you. He is pathetic and such a looser.
What else do you need? This isnt HIM doing this to you or the kids, it is YOU allowing it to him. 100%. You deserve better, unless you tell me differently K (angry)
I'm speechless. I think it was best that you didnt tell the kids afterall. If Dan started cryting in front of you (thats a new one isnt it?) chances are he did in the restaurant a little and would have wehn you spoke to the kids.
I know he's an arse and you all hate him here, but...he didnt murder anyone, he isnt some evil maniac.. he just fell out of love with you/didnt want to be married anymore. As horrible and painful as that is for YOU, its also horrible and painful for him to have to tell his young kids that it was all his doing and shatter their innocence and belief in him as a man, their Dad and general good guy. We know he left the M, but thats what the kids will focus on if you tell them that. They will then think, why did Dad leave? Was it because I was bad?..... I know I would have at that age. So I dont know about this insisting he tell them it was HIM, is it actually that healthy for your kids to hear. Why apportion blame? Would it be more damaging to their young pysches.
Why not just siimply tell them, we love each other as your parents and love you, but we arent going to be married anymore. I'm not saying he deserves sympathy, I am thinking of the kids here.
I wonder if you insisting he tells them that HE didnt want to be married to you is you forcing him to admit that to his kids as some kind of way to 'get him where it hurts' as K says, to see if he will have a change of heart?? Or maybe its for yourself, for him to admit this was ALL his doing. But would an IC reccommend you tell a 7 year old boy.. YOUR dad left ME.. is that a positive message in all of this mess?? Or do you want Nathan/Sydney to know the stark truth of adult R's at such a young age?
As for you, I am so sorry you had to deal with that, it must be so awful to have your emotions continually tossed around by someone, as K says, that you still havent let go of. You really are a trouper bbj, a strong woman. Sorry for long post and general musings, you know best, as their Mum.
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
...and, as Ali says, my C for the kids told us the kids shouldnt hear that dad left "me",they should hear, "we decided we cant be married anymore". I was not OK with that and the truth is later on, I did let the kids realise it wasnt my choice, but guess what? It didnt matter to them. The end result mattered. When I said your dad needed to go, they said "bring him back, be nice, do all you have to do to change THIS"... So yes, I agree with Al, at this age, what you say should be what is best for the kids, not what will make you look/feel better. Unfair, but that's what the C told us... K
For whta it is worth we di not say who left who to D9 and in my opinion that is the way to go. Why should you make your kid's hate your dad??? kid's are perceptive...D9 surprises me every day. Don't use your kids as revenge BBJ. What would you really gain if your little ones blame their dad fro the rest of their young lives for a breakup that they had nothing to do with.
BY THE WAY AN OLD BUDDY USED TO SAY DAN IS BROKEN,,,,HES WAS SOOOOO RIGHT
as long as you continue to do the same as you do, you'll continue to get what you get....
the day that YOU decide that YOU don't give a flying f*** about Dan..is the day you'll be set free..until then...it will be more of the same..
there comes a time and place when you have to stop putting up with their stupid chitt...
Dan just used the kids to work you like a puppet...he controlled your reactions last night and sent you into a frenzy.. I would think that you would be pissed, I would think that you would be tired of it...
Everyone will have their own viewpoints but I am going by what my IC and Nathan's school counselor suggested. Nobody is throwing Dan under the bus here. I am not telling the kids he cheated on me, lied to me, etc.
But both counselors said kids want to know the truth to the extent they can handle it. Which is to say, "Your dad and I will always be mom and dad, but we aren't going to be married anymore. You will still see us both, we will always love you, etc etc."
At that point however if the kids start asking, "Why?" The suggested answer was to say, "Your dad decided he didn't want to try anymore." This relates back to the fact that DAN chose to tell Nathan last January, "I am moving out, but your mom and I are NOT getting a divorce, we are going to try and work things out so we can come back together again." He told that to Nathan and yes Nathan remembers it.
Nathan has already said to me in recent weeks, "Mom you said that when you get married it is forever and God doesn't like it for us to get divorced." You know what, if he says that to me, I am going to be honest and tell him, "Yes, you are right, I agree, it should be forever."
I am not going to start lying just because Dan lies. It isn't like I am going to get out emails and text messages between Dan and ow or the hateful things he has said to me. I just will not roll out the after-school tv special line "We decided we can't be together but everything is going to be just fine".
I am already pretty angry at myself that I let him manipulate me again. I was genuinely worried for the kids well being if he was having a breakdown in the local restaurant...when I got to his house and the kids seemed fine I was so pissed...
I didn't want to tell them at nine o'clock as it was already past time to go to bed. So yes I chose to put it off at that point but I felt backed into a corner...and I am still frustrated with both of us today...
He said last night in the text rampage that he had to get out of town. I don't know if he meant for a few days or permanently as in a move, but I sure as hell know my kids are not leaving town...they are staying with me...
