LOL, sorry- cognitive behavioral therapy, which I thought came up earlier on your thread, but maybe it was FM's? It's some of the work I've been doing for years with my IC and has really helped me. I was totally unaware of all the thoughts swirling through my head and how they were making me feel bad, contributing to my depression, etc. Just starting to notice what we say to ourselves helps (do I sound like an infomercial? sorry... but it can be a very effective tool for combatting negative self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc.). And it's very applicable to lots of our sitches here. Particularly for those of us who think things we did caused us to get here, that much of the blame lies with us and not them, etc.
The idea is:
- something happens (usually a neutral event) - you have a thought about it (often negative, often about the event meaning something bad. And you're often unaware of the thought you have.) - that results in you feeling something (usually bad- and you are definitely aware of this one)
You can't change the first one, but you can change the 2nd, which will change the third.
So, e.g., one big one for me would be getting an email from my boss that says something about my work. I immediately leap to the conclusion that he's dissatisfied with my work and unhappy with me (for whatever reason- in my case, I have a fear of authority figures being disappointed in me). I then feel depressed and anxious the rest of the day. That in turn colors my future interactions with him and zaps my confidence. If I look back and really read what he wrote or (gasp) ASK him what he meant, usually it isn't really bad at all- it's what I SAID to myself about it that made me feel bad.
I started out unravelling all this by noticing- hey, I feel lousy today. Why is that? What happened earlier today? Who did I interact with? What happened to me today? What did I tell myself it meant? Oh, well, that's why I feel bad- b/c I said XYZ to myself and it made me feel bad. Is there a different way I could've interpreted what happened? Do I have any evidence that occurrence meant something bad or was it just neutral? Is there a change in the dialogue I have with myself that I could make that would make me feel differently?
etc. etc.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I messed up. H and I had a huge fight. I need the strength to go dark again. My habit is to "convince, explain, defend". When he won't listen. Help me stay dark, folks.
I"m so angry right now I think I'm actually done. It's been a while coming - I hope I can keep up the strength. But I'm really sure now that I need more love and support than I will ever get from H. God help me stay done!
(((H4L))) I'm sorry to read about the fight. This is a deeply entrenched pattern between you two and it's going to take time to overcome it. You're doing the best you can and every time you go down a road that you don't want to go down, you'll be more determined to care better care of yourself next time.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
