CoolHandLuke and PSLuke

[psluke]

I may not should make this post, but I felt led to do so this morning. I have not really turned my life back over to God but I very strongly feel he has been leading me lately. First on Tuesday evening, then Wednesday morning, neither of those incidents are a normal action for me to have taken, but I felt led to do so.

I do not want to upset anyone with this post, it is simply how I feel and felt the need to express it. I hope I do not lose any friendships that I have developed here over this post. You all have helped me find and define the person I have become and I hope you can look over the past and continue to accept my caring and friendship for all of you on the bb.

I am not defending David's actions here as you all know they are not what I would choose for him to be doing. But David's right and need to make his own choices for his life, whatever they may be.

I have been where David is at now. It is a miserable position to be in and I know David has a very strong conscience and is hurting from the pain in he and I's R and from the pain he is feeling now for the R with OW. I am basing this statement on the fact that David and I had an affair while I was still married to my ex-husband. I saw what the guilt did to both he and I. I actually have no idea if he has forgiven himself for that to this day. I have forgiven myself, just a few short months ago. David saw first hand what carrying the guilt of an affair and broken marriage into another R can do to you, he saw me spiral down and down and he wasn't able to help pull me out. It was something I had to do for myself, but that doesn't mean that support wasn't needed. All of you here on the bb and my reading and David's past assistance have brought me through that episode of my life.

I believe David was here on the bb for help. He has a close friend who lives out of state, he has me who he isn't comfortable talking with right now and he has OW. Those are the people he has let into his life. He does not share feelings and emotions, or let people into his inner sanctuary. That is one of the reasons I believe he does not have more close friendships, is he holds himself too close and others too far away.

I feel from the posts that I read that he made to others here on the bb that you have come to mean something to him in his life. Right now he is struggling, trying to figure out what he wants in his life and he wants the pain to end. But because of the way he is, he can't post his feelings and emotions here. Maybe just a small bit of them and if you aren't careful you would miss it. That is what happened to me with him. I missed him telling me a lot of things because they are very, very subtle. He doesn't let things out much. But I asked him to come to the bb and to give me time. He has done both, and yes he may have had more than one reason for being here, but he tried to help people here and I feel he was also looking for help in his own way.

If he were sure of where he was headed or what he wanted he would have done it by now. He is still trying to figure this out and he knew coming here he was a WAS and that isn't what this bb is about. But still he came, I give him lots of credit for making that move.

I don't mean he doesn't need hard posts; that is the way to help you see things. The posts that shook me up the most and made me think were not the nice ones, but the thinking ones. But to get as many posts as his thread did on two different occasions has to be overwhelming.

I received two emails from him last night. I will not post them, but I see pain and anger and hurt in them. I believe because he looked on you all as people he cares about and tried to help some of you and looked to you for help for himself. He does not really have anyone else to turn to for help, other than OW.

I am not sure why I wrote all of this or if it makes sense. I am just trying to let you know I believe David in his own way was looking for help. He just can't let his emotions and feelings out clearly, because of the way he is with that aspect of his life.

I am not trying to say anyone is wrong, as each one of us is entitled to our own opinions and must make our own choices for our life. I just know David has a very difficult time letting people in and was trying to let you know that I think in his way he did let you into a part of himself.

David may feel I am wrong in what I have written here and he is welcome to correct me if he feels the desire, but this is where I see him at right now.