So I apologized and all I got was a thanks. I am not sure what that means.
Also, I am not very happy with some of our conversation. I was talking to my aunt and she told me that my 2 cousins are getting divorces. Another cousin of mine is getting a divorce. Another cousin has his marriage in severe trouble. W cousin is recently divorced, and also has an aunt that her H just left her for another woman. This crap is rampant. Why do people see it as an answer? 3 of the people getting a divorce are women wanting out because they want their freedom. When we were talking about all of the divorces and the women want their freedom my W says "They know my heart!!" What the hell does this mean? What does the excuse I just want my freedom mean? I asked her a few weeks ago why she wants out. Her answer was that she does not have a real reason anymore she just wants her freedom. She feels that it is time to move on so that is what she wants to do. WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN???? Do I have a chance of fixing this or am I just kidding myself? What is going on in her head? Sandi? Are you out there and shed some light on this?
Elaborate on this self-described "intolerable" behavior...
Well here goes. I was depressed for at least 4 years. When I was not depressed and laying around the house doing nothing, I was heavily medicated with antidepressants and would not help out with things around the house and worst of all, did not help out with our son. I was not brining in much money and she tells me that I did not make her feel loved. So she felt alone, for many years. Although I started to change things before she left, she felt it was too little too late. But I really had started making changes but they were not far enough. After she left, I really did some 180's and changed my life a great deal. But I did it in such a short amount of time she does not trust it or believe that I really changed.
. When we were talking about all of the divorces and the women want their freedom my W says "They know my heart!!" What the hell does this mean?
Who knows. I was the WAH and the LBS in that order, now, I'm in the middle...
One thing I know is the freedom line. I hate it! Just do your best not to take it personally. Number8 suggested the idea of "rational detatchment". I would say that if you try hard to understand what things are triggering your W, then you can find "excuses" to get your emotions out of the way. With your emotions out of the way, you can look deep to try to understand the deeper message laying below.
Rememeber...you made it clear that she's been acting off/rude/stubborn. Expect the unexpected, and respond with patience or not at all.
Thanks OTM, I took it surprisingly well. I did not talk for a few minutes after that and went back to watching TV so that I did not say anything. Very difficult not to take it personally, but I know she is still confused so that makes it a little easier. The only other thing she keeps saying is how hot guys are on TV and saying she would like to "do" that guy. Or he is on the list. That is really starting to get to me, but I do not say anything. Anybody else out there have any ideas about the "Freedom" thing she keeps talking about and what she is thinking?
The only other thing she keeps saying is how hot guys are on TV and saying she would like to "do" that guy.
Why not try to spice up your appearance? I'm thinking aloud, but I wonder if she is suggesting that she wants to feel HER self-esteem raised by having a hot hunk on her shoulders.
So act like a strong "hunk" of meat. Sexy & hot. Rub her self-esteem. If that is working, my guess is she's feeling pretty negative about herself but feels really validated and important (or expects to).
I totally agree with you. Self-esteem has been a problem for her for a long time. I am overweight from both depression and form injuries and a traveling job I had. So I recently joined a gym and am playing soccer again. It has only been a few weeks, but she always has a smile on her face when I come back from the gym. So I really like that. I know she does not like me to wear glasses, so I went back to the eye doc and got a a years worth of contacts. So now I am glasses free. But I like me without glasses as well, so this is a win win. I want to be thin again so this I am doing mostly for me as well. I do not want to buy new clothes until I fit in something less than 2XL.
I also have another question. Is it possible that she is trying to get me to initiate physical activities. It has been at least 5 months since we have been intimate. And she always wants it initiated without talking about it first. But I am VERY gun shy about it, I do not want to push and I caertainly cannot take another rejection. I am not sure what to do.
I do not want to buy new clothes until I fit in something less than 2XL.
She's pointing out the stud who's got a 34" waist. You'll succeed and feel great about it, but you'll need to make sure not to give up no matter how bad you feel.
Go get some clothes that match your figure anyhow. Not lots, maybe one or two new things. Maybe use it as a reward?
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Is it possible that she is trying to get me to initiate physical activities. It has been at least 5 months since we have been intimate.
What do you want more - do a 180 and make her feel sexy and desired or to take the chance that your marriage will fall apart and you'll be living alone? Do the 180. It must be hard to be shy about a very important need for men (sex). For women, I think, it is even harder to have a shy husband because men are expected to lead and women follow (more often) in this area.
Plan out the things you'd need to get her and you in the mood. If she rejects - who cares? You'll have really made a spark go off in her heart that says this SMM23 is a much cooler man than I thought. Just keep trying.
Plan out the things you'd need to get her and you in the mood. If she rejects - who cares?
O.T.M.T.,
This is much, MUCH more difficult for men than you can imagine, particularly if they've faced rejection multiple times in the past. "Just do it" may SOUND easy, but if you read MWD's "Sex-Starved Marriage," you will learn of the intense pain that high-drive spouses feel when their lower-drive spouses reject them repeatedly.
Sorry - I thought he (SSM) was the low drive spouse. So have you been rejected a lot SSM? How does it usually play out? What are you biggest fears about trying?
Last edited by Onthemountaintop; 04/28/1007:24 PM. Reason: Mixed up pronouns!
