W resumed grilling me about female coworker and females I've friended on FB. I said fine - let's share all passwords, I've got nothing to hide. I got the same "I need my privacy. You don't need to see what I'm talking to my girlfriends about."
"W, I agree. And you don't need to see what I'm talking to my girlfriends about." I just could NOT resist that.
Seriously, though...transparency is required. If she won't take that challenge, no trust. Period. Interview a lawyer. Your M is still in peril and threatened by a predator and your W's cooperation with that predator. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
We don't trust each other at this point, which is obviously not good for a marriage. I've caught her in several lies the past few months. If I didn't have kids involved in this...
Dazed, it's the fact that you DO, that makes this all even more important advice:
Quote:
Seriously, though...transparency is required. If she won't take that challenge, no trust. Period. Interview a lawyer. Your M is still in peril and threatened by a predator and your W's cooperation with that predator. Greek
No doubt. When I opened my eyes about my marriage problems months ago I made the same mistakes I read about from others here. I got mad and grilled W with questions. I then got clingy and turned on the charm - that would be her cake-eating phase. I then realized with the help of this forum that I had somewhat misapplied what I had read in the DR book. One thing that took a while to get through my thick head was that things like GAL are for me, and not just a show for W's benefit.
Dazed, try to find that "middle ground" between controlling/accusatory/angry, and supplicating/clingy/melty-man. Confident, strong, leading, listening, boundaries-laid.
Experience dictates that when someone starts accusing another of something there is usually guilt behind the accusations! So the fact that she is grilling you would indicate that she is trying to take the attention off of whatever she is doing...
While I am doing nothing wrong I do value my privacy in my email...but the fact remains that my H has my password and at any time he can look and see what is going on...the bottom line for me is I would be upset if I was NOT doing anything and he was constantly checking...he doesn't feel the need and isn't interested in my conversations between gf's and myself...but I am fairly certain if I started behaving like he did before he took the big dive he would not hesitate to find out what was going on...to me that is fair
So if you wife has nothing to hide she should not worry that you have her passwords...I am sure that reading her gf's mail is not on the top of your list anyways...but the truth is, if she gives you the passwords it is very easy to create another secret account...
I guess what I am getting at is if she is hiding something having passwords will not provide the answers to you...
Now as for FB...me personally, I would not have anyone of the opposite sex on my FB unless they were friends of BOTH me and my husband. I don't think there is a need to form friendships and communicate with someone that could be a potential threat to a marriage partner...I know many here think that it is okay to be friends...and that affairs can happen with mutual friends...but I just feel, personally, that having those types of friendships apart from my husband is only asking for trouble...there are enough couples we are friends with and gf's that I have...it isn't necessary for me to hang on to a male friend...
Again, my personal feelings...you don't have to agree but your FB with other women on it could be fueling her justification for her actions...
Thanks for your input. I'm tech savvy and agree with you that having one of her passwords would solve nothing. Many ways to conduct an affair through different methods.
I get flack from W for my FB female friends. Truth is, I would be happy to "unfriend" all of them if she did the same with her male friends. I agree with you that having FB friends of the opp. s*x could lead to trouble. Maybe childish on my part, but once she got on and friended dudes (no ex-BF's as far as I know) I had no problem accepting friend requests from females (no ex-girlfriends, mostly girls I knew from school). I KNOW that she won't drop her male FB friends. Should I still be the shining example and drop my female FB friends?
So what is the proper DB response when I'm getting grilled and accused of having an affair with my coworker (I'm not)? Denying it does nothing. Throwing accusations back surely won't help.
Still no response from the two msgs I sent to OMW through FB. I guess now I need to try to dig up her phone number through a pay site. Have to figure out how to pay with a credit card and not let W come across the bill.
Your wife would drop any or distance any FB or real life male friends who are a threat on you or her relationship with you. SHe should not defend it. This would include any man who attacks your character or helps her out with "[censored] tests" for you to pass, or even if he persues her romantically. This would include females too.
Dazed...If it were me I would do the "right thing" even if my spouse was not...I would unfriend those of the opposite sex if they were not mutual friends to both me and my spouse...I would be transparent even if my spouse didn't want to be because it is a way of putting the glare back on them, if you have nothing to hide then why try and hide???
As for what to do when she makes these accusations...the DB way would be to stay calm, not throw back accusations(even if justified), and simply state, "I am sorry feel that way. I simply have no romantic interests outside of this marriage." End of discussion!
There might be a more clever spin to put on that but I was not overly good at "clever" when I was in the midst of my H's MLC...being with someone in crisis brings you into a crisis too, like it or not...
You can't make your wife do the right thing, you can't make her believe what she doesn't want to...but you can do the right thing and know that you are not in any compromising situations...self-worth is very valuable in my book...it is what brought me through a lot and as odd as it sounds it is something that my husband now values very much in me...if I stood for the right thing when he was doing everything wrong why would have room to question now that he is doing the right thing?...It has made our relationship stronger...
I just could NOT resist that.