"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I can't imagine ever doing anything hurtful to kids like that. I befriended my H's XW just for the kids sake. This woman sounds cruel and stupid to me. They will see through it, kids are not dumb.
SA, HB & Jack - revisiting the laundry issue....What's wrong with this picture. My H & my D16 NEVER do the laundry and hardly any other household chores...seems that those jobs were assigned to me...by me. In many ways I'm very "liberated" and in others soooo traditional...taking care of everything for everyone...maybe time to change that. If/when H comes back....things will have to be renegotiated lol.
I'm also a bit of a perfectionist. I have learn to let go...I don't like it when things are not done perfectly and right away, that's why I end up doing everything myself. I've been really working on that...to learn to relax and say "who cares" it will get done later. It's a challenge for me. For example D is supposed to do the dishes and she doesn't so instead of doing it myself (as I used to) I just leave it, even overnight and make her do it.
HB, I'm so impressed with your son...23 buying his own place without any help from you...that's rare. He seems like a great kid, you must be so proud of him. You did a great job raising him. I hope that the changes in your household that you speak off are all positive....I look forward to seeing you back on the "boards" soon
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
C-bart, Kissak, Libyasking - thanks for stopping by.
Kissak -
Quote:
the evil stepmom texted my sister yesterday to thank her for going through the labor pains so she (the stepmom) could raise her daughter
That's just sick and downright mean.
C-bart -I agree with you it's never about the kids for the WS....the adults will justify everything to get what they want.
Just to update - didn't see H yesterday. He called me about 10 times...about work...daughter...and some unimportant stuff. The kind of calls we always used to make to each other during the day. You know...something is on your mind, so you just pick-up the phone and call your wife.
D was in an accident (she is OK) and has a slight concussion. H keeps calling me and asks how she is, offering advice what she should do and not to do. Basically trying to be involved with parenting...Like "You should tell D that she needs rest", or "she shouldn't do her sport for a while"...like if I didn't know that. But I guess he is showing concern...and that's good.
I told D that daddy keeps calling to check how she is doing and she said "Why doesn't he call me?"...I had no answer.
That's about it...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
HB, I'm so impressed with your son...23 buying his own place without any help from you...that's rare. He seems like a great kid, you must be so proud of him. You did a great job raising him. I hope that the changes in your household that you speak off are all positive....I look forward to seeing you back on the "boards" soon
Yes, he is a good kid; though no longer a "kid". After he graduated high school, he went to work as a precision machinist, has already gained a Certification as a Tool and Die maker; is currently in college again to earn his degree as a mechanical engineer, again, NO money comes from me or his dad; HE pays for his own education...on the financial end of it all, he's got his retirement account started, and has saved a great deal of money. Also, he worked on building his credit, and, taking lessons from me, has learned to handle money well.
He asked me at one point why I taught him one way, when sometimes his dad and I seem to go the other way...and I explained it this way: I looked at all the mistakes that had been made, and LEARNED from them, so I could teach him differently. It seems to have taken well with him...he's in much better financial shape than we were when we got married.
Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect, but is open minded enough to learn from any mistakes he makes...and that's a good combination. He will make someone a good husband one day, when he gets married.
The changes within the household are positive ones; I do not wish to hijack your thread with this story...depending upon what I see as the next few weeks go, I will most likely start a thread of my own with some details about what is going on, and what has been going on. As you know, my husband and I have been out of his crisis for nearly 8 years...this was something different that came up for us. I have gained a much better understanding on what has been happening, and need the time to sort it out.
I appreciate your kind words about our son...We are VERY proud of our son.
Later.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I was reading what you were saying about trust issues. It's like this, if the MLC'er had to take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror after having ignored their conscience and moral code, it would put them into a literal nervous breakdown before they are ready to face the damage they've done.
You cannot force them to face it before they are ready, you WOULD push them off the edge of their sanity; it's literally hanging by a thread during the time of OW Depression/Depression/Withdrawal.
Now, I've said before that they are aware of what they do, and that is very true....yet, the confusion, that ensues after the acts are committed, is SO deep they get very mixed up within their thinking.
The children of their issues within don't help matters, either, and their fear of not being trusted is a valid one. It is not until the confusion clears, and they take that long, hard, honest look in the mirror of self-honesty that the TRUTH dawns HARD upon them...and that can beat them down to the ground.
For the present time, your husband has "put the affair and other wrongdoings aside", literally ignoring the fact that what he did was wrong, but that will be brought back to him, slapping him hard in his face when he is stronger and more able to "take" what he has done to himself, you and his marriage. For now it is enough that you've advised him that you cannot trust him...and it's causing him to do some thinking about what he's done. Yet, it's hard, as his mind is on edge, and running 90 to 100 miles an hour...it's hard to even think, much less process...that is why he must go at his own pace...and that is also why this can take SO long to complete.
In other words, his mind, for the time being, has shielded him from this reality for the time being, otherwise he WOULD suffer a nervous breakdown...they can only process so much at a time...and adultery is a HUGE issue when committed.
This is a spiritual battle that's fought within themselves, and it takes time to fight it..but fight it they will, as they regain strength within their bodies and minds.
There is physical strength, and there is mental strength....both types of strength is literally exhausted as this change is gone through.
I'm NOT trying to make excuses for the horrendous mistakes made or the pain and damage that's been dished out because of their foolishness...but it is what I remember from my husband's MLC.
He couldn't seem to understand why I couldn't trust him...it wasn't until later on that he faced the demons within, and didn't argue with me when I said that I was having trust issues.
Although he never talked about the affair, nor even admitted it happening, I DID see him get started explaining everything he did and why he did things so that I could regain my trust in him.
But it was never the same deep trust that I'd had before, and it took a long time before I was able to start trusting him again. The emotional shock I'd suffered was tremendous; as my trust in him had been "blind", and I'd NEVER had this happen before in my life.
The Mid Life Transition/Crisis is an emotional and spiritual battle within the person...things are all out of sorts, and changes are taking place...they DO disintegrate at a given time, and they are "all over the place" in so many ways.
They KNOW and are AWARE of what they are doing, and KNOW it is NOT them, yet temptation is presented and they fall...but like a statement I've heard many times they say.."I don't know what came over me, it just happened."
They have choices, but do not utilize their remaining strength to make the RIGHT choices...weakness also has its part in this.
So many people choose NOT to make weak choices, but yet, so many choose on the other hand, to make these weak choices, and then try and justify their behavior when there is NOT an excuse at all for it..that is the ignoring of the moral code and conscience that is screaming bloody murder...and it gets shut out.
Anyone could blame their raising, the confusion of the MLC, blame it on anything you want, but the fact is, they CHOSE their path, and a man who chooses his path LIVES his path.
If everything is lost, that is the fault of the MLC'er who, through his/her actions, did the unspeakable, and CAUSED that loss.
No one should EVER assume that when they do wrong, things will be all right..it never is..there are LOSSES that occur when something as precious as innocence is lost...and it causes the "ripple" effect...affecting people far beyond just the family.
The damage takes a long time to heal, and it is never worth doing.
Yet, while you can influence a person, you cannot control them..they must be left to do their worst and suffer the consequences of their actions.
In the end, the LBS must find it within themselves to find forgiveness for all that has occurred, bringing about their own healing, most especially if the marriage comes back together...it is all to easy to be vindictive, but that vindictiveness has a price if carried on too long.
No one said this was easy, and I know this all too well. It takes a great deal of strength to withstand the Transition/Crisis. It is true that some do not have the strength I had to maintain during his MLC, but that does NOT mean that one cannot attain it...everyone can develop it, through knowledge, understanding, learning what this entails, and preparing to wait it out, if that path is chosen. But, gain a good understanding of what this might take...time is the biggest factor and it is not the same for everyone.
I had just as much of a hard time when it was happening, and thought it would NEVER end...but it did..and things were CHANGED; some for the better, and some I had to adjust, as the man I'm married to is NOT what he was before he went through this. But, you know, he wasn't the ONLY one who changed...I did, too.
These are some things I learned from this; and they are food for thought.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi, Mila, I also have to learn to let go of the chores... LOL. It's really hard, isn't it? I know what you mean about being traditional AND liberated. I work 50-60 hours a week and still do all the housework and cooking (from scratch) plus volunteer work - it's part of why my M was put on the back burner. For me, it works if I go to another room - like leave the kitchen and go to the living room - when the dishes are not done. I have to remember to follow up, that's the hard part.
Brief thread hijack warning... HB - thank you for your presence here. (Along with OP and Snodderly and all you other old timers that I haven't met yet.) I'm just so grateful for your time and insights. I have printed off so much of your posts and read and re-read to give me the strength and knowledge to begin. Now that I have books arriving, I'm reading them as well, but before they arrived, you and 1000ships were my best source of info and strength... thank you again.
