She won't respect you until you do and enforce them. She can't be attracted to you if she doesn't respect you. So where are you in regards to the "living in a open marriage" boundary?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Boundaries are a work in progress. Hard to do when she is dead set on D and is making plans in that direction. The 'open marriage' boundary is firm - she knows that it is me or the OM, and at present it is the OM near as I can tell. No PA involved, but the EA is definately starting up again.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
The 'open marriage' boundary is firm - she knows that it is me or the OM, and at present it is the OM near as I can tell. No PA involved, but the EA is definately starting up again.
What is your intel? You need to bust the affair. This guy is a predator to your marriage. Why would she want a man who just watches this happen? What is it going to take for you to stand up for yourself? What is the company policy on people having affairs at work? How do you know it is not a PA? Are you just going to wait and let it happen?
"You know wife I have been thinking and this marriage isn't working for me. I won't share my wife with another man and I have decided to start to the D process."
You now agree with her, there is nothing to argue about. Watch what happens when you do this.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I understand completely. I am gathering intel at this point.
We are already separated, and she has gotten very depressed since she asked me for a D a couple of weeks ago. Very over-wraught about losing everything. I do fear that if I turn around and tell her I want a D due to the OM, that will give her the justification she is looking for....
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
W and I had a good time tonight...dinner and a show (special event we had tickets for). Didn't think she would want to go, but we did and enjoyed ourselves (I think). No R discussion at all.
part of the reason she went is because 'she wants to be friends'. I have a sense that she is very confused about the D and the future.
Everyone I talk to says to move on, accept the marriage is done and look out for myself. Very very difficult to do.
Am I just an idiot?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
W just backed out on a long planned extended family get together, as she is unable to handle it emotionally. This represents the final good bye to my family. W plans on initiating divorce over the summer. Wants to move back into the house over the summer, when I will be largely absent.
Conversation was relaxed, I was supportive. Then why do I feel like I am sealing my fate by not disagreeing more?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Do they ever come out of "fry"?, Yeah, most do eventually. It's not without a big roller coaster ride for them to hit bottom at some point though.
As for her wanting to be friends, I'm not sure I totally agree with DDay, in that I think you have to set out some "recent" good memories before you shove them away, in order to let them live in a big dose of their own reality. It's that reality, unfortunately that you LC can't force.
Mine was hell bent on divorce, moving on with the tramp etc etc etc. Nothing I said, or would have said would have changed his mind. So my advice, change focus. Set up what YOU want her to "Remember" when her brain comes off fry. In other words, a non argumentative person etc. (There was a story about a man here who even helped his ex move into the new mans' home. He was determined to be that friend. I remembered that story when it came time for me to lay out my road map on how to deal with my H.) This fella who helped his ex move into the OM house, knew that that mess wouldn't last. What I took away from his story is that while DB has many principles, ... not everything is set in stone. Sometimes ya have to shuffle the deck a little to suit the sitch you find yourself in. Everyone has to plot out "the path", one figures the whole thing is going to go in the next 18 months, to 2 years and look at the whole potential on how to "play" out the sitch.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Abbey: Thank you very much for your thoughts. It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do, whether I am being an idiot or helping a 19 year soulmate through a very rough patch of her life. Whatever I do, I have this feeling that I am screwed, but I cannot seem to drive this little glimmer from the back of my mind. W discussed D plans today, changed plans to attend a fam reunion, etc., and I was calm and cooperative (we have never been very argumentative). Today I am GALing full force..first time in the gym in a long time. Trying to shake the demons. I am going to be here when she needs me, but avoid any sort of pursuit at all. Yes, the show last night was ill timed, but had it been planned for months.
I am going to go the reunion without her, yet support her, not defame her to my family. She means too much to them. This is going to be really really hard.
She is in a rough patch, and her problems with our marriage are massively compounded by deep depression. I find it very hard just to dismiss her, to move on without her. Yes, there is apparently an OM EA in the picture, and we shall see how it plays out. She and I are both guilty of past transgressions, and if she really goes for the OM, then she is not the person I thought she was. Please understand that I am not some wimpy mess sitting back hoping she comes back to me. My brief time on this site and with the DR has taught me far better than that. As you say, I am just trying to plot out a path that can work with my sitch. Need to be both hard nosed and go with the gut at the same time sometimes. I do hope I am not being a fool.
Thanks for listening.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
That was a hard part for me too first... am I doing it all for not? Every day was a new day to resolve. Looking back on it now... that whole thing made me stronger. Much stronger than I realized. And oddly enough happier than I realized too. The months where I played out my "final hand"... I felt very good about myself. I rely on that strength now when some of the old demons come up.
Hang in there AC. Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
