i don't know, OTM. even in the stages of working out the agreement, he keeps saying, see, i try so hard and it's never enough...still not enough. i'm sure he feels like negotiating the terms of our agreement is just one more example of how i feel like nothing he ever does is good enough. but i'd be living in la-la land if i accepted his terms and let him ride around on a motorcycle that i was liable for.
he has told me straight up that i may not be able to see it now, but that this is best for both of us in the long run. that we can love and respect each other, but that doesn't mean we can share our lives together. in an email yesterday, he said he couldn't ignore what had happened (what? him leaving me 4 times?), who we were, and he couldn't "come back" to our M. whatever that means.
my mother insists that he just doesn't want to be married. that the mistakes i made weren't deal breakers and that he just wanted to walk away from this with his hands clean. i'm inclined to agree with her for once. i have my faults for sure, but, i've always been faithful, i adore him, i support him (obviously not financially) and now it's MY turn to say that no matter what i do...it's just never enough for him.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i don't know, OTM. even in the stages of working out the agreement, he keeps saying, see, i try so hard and it's never enough...still not enough. i'm sure he feels like negotiating the terms of our agreement is just one more example of how i feel like nothing he ever does is good enough. but i'd be living in la-la land if i accepted his terms and let him ride around on a motorcycle that i was liable for.
Exactly. H wants things the way his way. No surprise there. The terms of agreement are the consequence of his choices.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
he has told me straight up that i may not be able to see it now, but that this is best for both of us in the long run. that we can love and respect each other, but that doesn't mean we can share our lives together. in an email yesterday, he said he couldn't ignore what had happened (what? him leaving me 4 times?), who we were, and he couldn't "come back" to our M. whatever that means.
Blah, blah, blah, script, BS, justification, shirking any/all responsibility. I've gotten this speech from H myself. Every time I hear it, I picture a clucking hen. Helps me not internalize/believe the b.s. my H is throwing in the path.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
my mother insists that he just doesn't want to be married. that the mistakes i made weren't deal breakers and that he just wanted to walk away from this with his hands clean. i'm inclined to agree with her for once. i have my faults for sure, but, i've always been faithful, i adore him, i support him (obviously not financially) and now it's MY turn to say that no matter what i do...it's just never enough for him.
I feel you. I'm there w/my H, too. The first few months, I agonized over everything my H said I did wrong. [And boy was that a long, frequently updated list] Now, I've been thinking alot about the things H did wrong [and that gets updated frequently, as well]
You are right: the mistakes you made were just that, mistakes. They become deal breakers when WA needs a reason to leave. You know the truth about your M/H. Don't let [well meaning] other's tell you differently [even the board].
Hang in there. (((tta)))
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Blah, blah, blah, script, BS, justification, shirking any/all responsibility. I've gotten this speech from H myself. Every time I hear it, I picture a clucking hen. Helps me not internalize/believe the b.s. my H is throwing in the path.
it's funny you say that, ruined...my H used to cluck at me when he thought he was getting nagged. we would both end up laughing. i'll just have to apply the clucking to the nonsense coming out of HIS mouth, now.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i know my H is just grasping for straws now, looking for reasons to leave, or to justify his leaving. if this is all the commitment that i get out of him, then i'm fully prepared to let go with both hands. he's not even leaving over any big issue...imagine if we hit an actual bump in the road! well, i don't think it's over any big issue. he thinks it's over the fact that nothing he ever does is enough and i don't accept him for who he is.
i WOULD accept him for who he is if he would just stop being such a pain in the a$$!!!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
but i'd be living in la-la land if i accepted his terms and let him ride around on a motorcycle that i was liable for.
By no means do I think you should give in to irrational demands, you both need fairness. I don't know if it will ever be truly fair because emotions are involved.
Now isn't time to punish with consequences. Just be fair and you'll not regret that.
Originally Posted By: Ruined_No_More
Blah, blah, blah, script, BS, justification, shirking any/all responsibility. I've gotten this speech from H myself. Every time I hear it, I picture a clucking hen. Helps me not internalize/believe the b.s. my H is throwing in the path.
Number8 was talking about "rational detatchment". This seems to make sense - not full detatchment...rational. Able to feel, but not let your feelings effect decision making. It may be all BS, but to him, it is real. If there was only a pill for that...~
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
my mother insists that he just doesn't want to be married. that the mistakes i made weren't deal breakers and that he just wanted to walk away from this with his hands clean.
Don't forget - from the getgo your mom also hasn't supported trying anything with him. Make sure not to be swayed to any direction except the one you decide calmly and carefully to head in. You can change directions later, but you don't want to be blaming anyone subconsciously with "if I had only" or "I wonder if I had".
i'm actually feeling relatively positive today. i think things with the separation agreement will be resolved by the end of the week and i can sign the damn thing and move forward with my life. even if my H came back tomorrow, i really don't know that working things out with him would be best for me. he has let me down and left me behind too many times and for the first time, i've realized that my H never really let go and surrendered to loving me in an unselfish way. maybe i never did the same for him, but i think i lived in fear for most of our time together...fear of what might happen or what could happen again. some things happened early on in our R (way before we got married) that i never really got over, that i never really forgave, and i was never really fully myself within our R.
i don't think my H is a bad person...i think he has a lot of growing up to do. he may not learn a damn thing from any of this, but that is outside of my control. i have learned a lifetime's worth of lessons in the last 3 months and i will carry that in my heart for the rest of my life. i can't worry about how he will move forward in his life, because he's chosen to do that without me. my happiness comes from within ME, and my H has nothing to do with that. i can have a smile on my face and a sense of inner peace that he has no claim over.
that said, it won't be easy to sign those papers and change my name back (no WAY am i keeping his last name), but i'll do those things knowing that i will be all the better for it, and my H will still be the same old person, destined to fall into the same trap again and again, thinking that he can solve his problems by getting rid of the relationship...never thinking the problem may be within him.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
and as if to prove my point...i got an email from my H today where the entire first paragraph was all about how hard it was for him to have given up the dog (he is staying with me because he is a certified therapy dog and we do therapy visits together several times a month), and how much he loved the dog, and how special the dog was, and how it stung for him to hear from a friend who had seen me post something about the dog on facebook, and to please not let my mom talk badly about my H to the dog, and he knew i would give him a good life...
really, H? it was SO HARD AND PAINFUL for you to give up the dog, yet he could walk away from his WIFE, who he vowed his LIFE TO, like it was nothing more than an every day business transaction??
of course, i did not say that to him. i only responded with sympathy towards his loss and gratitude that he agreed to let me keep the dog. in all honesty, i probably would have let him keep the dog in the end, but he went and got himself another dog weeks ago, so...that is just about where my feeling sorry for him ends. it's just you and me now, dog of mine. i wonder if i have to fill out any legal paperwork to change his last name, too?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
really, H? it was SO HARD AND PAINFUL for you to give up the dog, yet he could walk away from his WIFE, who he vowed his LIFE TO, like it was nothing more than an every day business transaction??
Why not tell him? He probably doesn't even know how bad it sounds...let him know so he doesn't keep doing it to you or to others. Be nice, but honest. It certainly couldn't hurt.
