Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

I really have no advice, but I want you to know that I completely understand where you are at. Everything from waiting on H to get help (my H says he has 2 more rehab sessions) to him only seeing S once very two weeks for maybe 4 hours and thinking he will get him every other weekend to saying he wants more from me and getting nothing from him.

I understand it all and am here to listen to you vent. I honestly hear myself a lot of the time in what you are saying.

Stay Strong and try to have some fun!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks for the support! =)

Let's see, events for yesterday. In the morning, H texted me to let me know he was feeling better (uh, good for you) and finally to ask how I was holding up. I told him I was just tired b/c it's hard when S is just sooooo needy. Throughout the day though, I started to feel worse. I think I'm coming down with S's bug! =( So last night, I text H that, but I don't hear back, so I text back that I'm going to bed and to not text me and wake me up. I then hear back from him that he's sorry I'm not feeling good and that he's planning on coming down today to see S if I need him to bring me anything. I guess it's a nice offer. Then we just say good night. Not much better today tough - my throat hurts and my head is spinning. No fun! =/

So it's been tough recently with H, but at least I have some things to look forward to in the next couple of weekends with graduations and grad parties. One of my friends is graduating from nursing school and the other from MBA school! Very excited for them!

[Lucky11too]

H has continued to maintain contact. He seems off, but at least he is checking in on me. He texted yesterday to see how I was feeling and I asked him the same. He was saying how he's been working a lot of hours (16 hours on Monday!) and had another busy night ahead last night. He stopped by for an hour to see S yesterday at MIL's, but S was napping, so he didn't actually get to see him. When I'm driving home after picking up S last night, we pass by a truck that looks exactly like H's, and S starts saying "dad, dad". It's really weird to me how someone who is hardly in his life for no more than a few hours a week can still have such an impact on a kid. I guess you can't dispute the parent-child connection no matter how distant they are. I text H about that nicely (but more to just kind of jolt him about his R with S), but I don't hear anything back until later when he texts "busy!" (big NBA playoff game last night). I text back later that hope night is goinig good and good night. He texts back "FML. Good night". That bad, huh? He responds that the night is not horrible, but that he's just at his end in alot of ways. I let him know that I'm available he he wants to talk about it. His response "Thanks. We will talk soon". Hmm, I don't think that sounds especially positive but we'll see. Or whatever he's feeling could just all blow other and we'll never "talk about it". So not really sure where we are at or where we are going right now...

[awest1217]

It is good that you let him know that you are there for him. More than likely he is just stressed with the playoffs. I wouldn't read to into it. With all of his problems, it is a lot to take in and do, and if people called off at the last minute or anything else, plus more people than normal. I just wouldn't take anything personally.

[Lucky11too]

I really don't know what's going on right, but I don't like it. Let's start with yesterday. In the afternoon, H texts to ask how i'm feeling (ok, this is still a good thing). Later, he texts me right before I get out of work that he's "out and about" with S, and will drop him off to me around 6:30. I say ok (wondering where they are, but it's still his S too). After work, I text to say I'm on my way home and ask for more details. He went to this pizza place with his mom, sister, and newphew (phew). So anyways, I go home and wait for S. It was horrible. The house was so quiet. I was able to get a few things done, but it was just this eirry feeling about how this is how it's going to be when we start the custody arrangement. I just want my S! I was so sad and missed him even for that hour (it was more about the whole the idea of everything then the actual time apart). What a sad wake up call! It became 6:45 so I texted S to see where they were at and he said they were leaving then. 5 minutes later S gets dropped off by my MIL, SIL, and newphew, but no H!!! I text H to see where he is at and he responds that he doesn't think he'll ever come back to my parents house agaih. I respond that hopefully his allergies will subdue as summer comes as normal, but for now we should look for alternatives idea to hang out....No response!

That really bugged me. I hate it when people, esp H, ignore texts. I probably should have, but a few hours later when I still never heard back was going to bed texted, to confront him and ask if it was b/c of me or the allergies that were the reason why he didn't come over. He has no problem being blunt, but the luckily the answer was allergies. So then I reiterate that we should find other places to hang out, stating with lunch today. He says he'll let me know early today in case he's not feeling good again (always so convenient). My response is that he should come whether he feels like he wants to eat or not b/c it's more about the food then the company anyway. Everything is just so weird to me b/c it seems like at one moment he's interested and wondering how I'm doing, etc, and then the next can't even be bothererd to make an effort to see me. Despite everything, at least I'm still making an effort.

So today came kind of as a surprise, even for H. My lunch break past and not one word from H! I had sent 1 text and tried to call once to confirm b/c I had to get going for my lunch break, but nothing! Now, an hour later, I get a "I'm sorry! Ijust woke up. I'm tired of being crazy. Can't wait for my surgery". Wow, I don't care, there is still absolutely no excuse for this. Not only did he bail on me, he plain left me hanging! I don't even know what I can say now. I know going off on him is not helpful, but I'm just plain angry. Not cool! We are majorly back tracking again... =/

[awest1217]

Sometimes you have to remember that a text is just a text. He can easily say how are you without really wanting to have a conversation. He knows it is what you would like because he sounds concerned, when he really may not care much. I just say look at his actions and what he truly says, not his texts.

It is good that he is spending time with S, but I agree why can't he even drop S off at the house. It isn't like he was staying. Dropping him off is part of his responsibility.

Continue to stay strong and hopefully once playoffs are over he will actually get his surgery done.

[Lucky11too]

Well, I guess it's not really me - I just get the affect of it all. I was preparing my "go off on H" text, when I get a text from him that b/c he messed up today, if I would like to go to dinner tomorrow (I can't b/c I'm going to a graduation). Then he asks me to look up about the side effects of his asmtha medication b/c he's having dark and suicidal thoughts again. Oh dear! (I checked - that's not a listed side effect of his med, so I think his depression is coming back) I stopped right there and told him to get back into his therapist as soon as possible. He texts back to ask for the phone #, which I give him. Phew. At least he's being receptive to that and me suggesting it. This phase is hard b/c I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to be careful i don't set him off, but I guess I have to try to be as loving and supportive as possible without letting him walk on me.

[Lucky11too]

Oh, but he didn't call after all. But at least he has the # now if he feels it getting worse...

[awest1217]

That is definitely scary, but you have done all that you can do.

Have fun this weekend.

[Lucky11too]

I'm feeling kind of helpless and hopeless right now. I texted H after the above to see if he wanted to grab dinner last night instead since I couldn't do tonight. He responds that last night wasn't good. I ask if he was working or just had other plans. His reponse is that he just doesn't feel like it. Ok, so I just say "another time then" and that's all there's been. It's just all really discouraging. I know it's not me but I just feel so let down, after him saying how much he misses me but now doesn't make at effort whatsoever to see me. On the other hand, I do make an effort but keeps rejecting or bailing on me. That's frustrating! I'm discouraged too b/c I saw his credit card statement today and grabbed it and it just shows that nothing has changed - still going out several times a week, wasting his money away on partying. So, all I can say is...discouraged... =/

So tonight I'm going to a graduation (my friend's who is also H's cousin though). I don't think H is going but I don't know if he'll try to meet up with us later or anything. I feel like I've done more than enough pushing now to spend time together, so if he wants to text and ask to come along, fine, but I'm not inviting him. So we'll see. Then Sunday, she's having a family bbq to celebrate her graduation that S and I are going to as well, so it should be a fun weekend in some ways, but I'm just not looking forward to dealing with H.