The way he views this affair is as follows I was unloving and not affectionate enough towards him, which hurt him, which in turn made him want to find someone else to fill that void/emotional need.
pretty effed up if you ask me.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I replied back that reiterating what he said to me on Sunday night about not wanting a divorce and that he had lied about wanting a D and that he wanted to get our lives on track. but I also said that I didn't know exactly what that meant? that I didn't want to play house and make things to appear okay. well, that set him off. Was I wrong in what I said?
No, I don't think you were at all. I think you are doing just fine. I'm glad you asked him to clarify what he said, if you weren't fully understanding his meaning. If you felt unsure, then you needed and deserved for it to be clarified! His nasty reaction says more about where his head is at, than whether your question was valid. So please don't wonder if you were wrong in what you said. You have a right to speak to and ask for whatever your heart and mind needs clarified. It's his reaction that was wrong. You can trust yourself!
Originally Posted By: timehealsall
I explained to him that he needed to say that especially after all the back and forth he has done and how adamant he has been about NOT wanting to work things out. Then he goes on to say I'm a bad mother.. I can't handle the kids. They don't listen to me and I just push them off on others (ie my mom).
Way to go. And I think you threw him too! I think him switching topics so quickly shows he's not used to you asserting yourself like that. So instead he goes on the offensive and criticizes you for something else because he can't figure out how to respond... he hasn't thought through his own feelings and actions enough to be able to speak to them. So for him it's 'safer' to just keep putting you on the defensive. Does that sound like it might be what's happening?
Originally Posted By: timehealsall
Although it still hurts and I have to admit that a few tears have been shed over it this morning.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. Hang in there.. you can handle this!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
The way he views this affair is as follows I was unloving and not affectionate enough towards him, which hurt him, which in turn made him want to find someone else to fill that void/emotional need. pretty effed up if you ask me.
You're not kidding! I hope you're not buying into that load of bupkes. How have you felt when he's said stuff like that to you? It must hurt something terrible and been brutal on your self esteem. Have you conveyed to him how painful his viewpoint is to you?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
It absolutely sucks! I do think that deep down one day he will realize it for himself. He may not voice it to me, but I have faith that he will realize it. He has a tendency of doing this (blameshifting and then finally realizing it was his fault later on).
I feel better now that I got this all off my chest.
I definitely threw him for a loop. He ISN'T used to seeing me like this. I think that rattled his cage a bit. He went on to accuse me of having intentions of having an A now and even accusing me of having a BF! lol I truly feel sorry for him..
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
It absolutely sucks! I do think that deep down one day he will realize it for himself.
Just a thought... I agree that it would be good if he realized it for himself, but in the meantime, I fear you waiting for him to get to that place (if ever) will just continue to destroy your self esteem. Always waiting for someone else to realize how they've affected you does little for you but take your power away. Let me tell you, he will 'realize' when he hurts you a lot sooner, if you're consistently and concisely - even loudly! - expressing how deeply painful it is when he does.
Further, you owe that to yourself to tell people when they hurt you. It's scary - believe me - this is one thing my IC has been working on with me for months. But it's very very empowering. Don't you feel you deserve that?
I just got a new book yesterday that might interest you. It's called 'Saying What's Real' by Susan Campbell. It's about staying centered in your needs and reality while communicating during conflict. I'm just a short ways in, but thought I'd suggest it to you.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
You are so right...I guess it sounds so cliche but I just truly never imagined that this man would do this to me or to our M. He was seriously the best person ever. I can't believe that this is what's happened.
I'm in a much better place now. I am not losing it or really as upset as I normally would be. In an effed up way, I see this as progress on his part as crazy as that sounds. Either way, I need to continue focusing on myself and my kids. Whatever happens, happens.
Thanks. I will add it to my reading list.
Thanks so much for replying. It means alot to me. xoxo
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
The way he views this affair is as follows I was unloving and not affectionate enough towards him, which hurt him, which in turn made him want to find someone else to fill that void/emotional need. pretty effed up if you ask me.
You're not kidding! I hope you're not buying into that load of bupkes. How have you felt when he's said stuff like that to you? It must hurt something terrible and been brutal on your self esteem. Have you conveyed to him how painful his viewpoint is to you?
If thats a load of bull, how long should it take? I mean how long should one go without love and affection before they either cheat or leave?
Further, you owe that to yourself to tell people when they hurt you.
I agree with one small modification: good communication skills would seem to demand that you tell people when they hurt your feelings, but...
you are not your feelings. You are a strong person, and you have feelings, and they can be hurt. It's ok to tell people when they hurt them too. But they aren't hurting you as a person (that is sort of like saying if they say mean things to you and you have hurt feelings you are hurt as a person, and thus less of a person). The fact that you have feelings and they can be hurt does not make you less of a person. Thank God you have feelings that can be hurt, or you'd be a sociopath!
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Further, you owe that to yourself to tell people when they hurt you.
I agree with one small modification: good communication skills would seem to demand that you tell people when they hurt your feelings, but...
you are not your feelings. You are a strong person, and you have feelings, and they can be hurt. It's ok to tell people when they hurt them too. But they aren't hurting you as a person (that is sort of like saying if they say mean things to you and you have hurt feelings you are hurt as a person, and thus less of a person). The fact that you have feelings and they can be hurt does not make you less of a person. Thank God you have feelings that can be hurt, or you'd be a sociopath!
What about a person who wants to know that for a fact they did hurt you? I would not tell these people or try to show it if I can avoid it.
